The Gem Stone

       In a new mindset, I decided that I will embrace life to my fullest, and borrow from life to see what is out there.  It is a new world when a human being can help you see the error in your ways, and grow past the ignorance that ignorance bred within.  I have had to deal with laziness, entitlement, arrogance, stupidity, insanity, irresponsibility, inconsistency, crudeness, and much much more.  In the end it all took place to create a new place of understanding within myself.
      Through the dating circus I have found that when I need to I can set boundaries and declare my own limits.  I now understand that though many may not be able to show me that I am worth more than their bullshit, I am worth not only my choice of lifestyle, but the commitment and the commitment to commitment that comes with me.
      There are not many men that can invest in a commitment to commitment (let alone understand it).  In my experience in the world of loving to be loved and coming up short over and over again I have found that these have only added to my value and taken nothing away from me.  As a person worth investment I am worth the time and fore thought of dating.  I am worth the time of planning an outing or doing what I would like to do.  So what brought me to this understanding??
       I recently have found that the weight of my most recent experiences have brought me to a gem.  I have found that I have had to learn that I have been put through the fire to be purified and made my most valuable.   It is amazing how having beautiful people in my life has changed my perspective on the value of my life.  How embracing others has allowed me to unfold into who I am and can truly be.  It is the love of a supportive best friend, the support of a loving friend, the stability of a engaged and giving friend, the backing of a friend that keeps safe and stable distances.  The gift of friendship in the form of excitement or sometimes silence.  All of this in different people, or one person makes a difference and is valuable and beautiful.  These people tore out the venomous dangers of my self defeating thinking and offered space for me to grow into a place of confident peace.  With the love and support of others I have become stronger and better.
    This is important because I have found a place where I am safe in a relationship.  It was our friendship that  nurtured me, and then we bloomed into a safe place secure for both of us.
    He is rare and very hard to come by.  Difficult to find when searching high and low and easy to lose because he is so quiet and mild mannered.  He has a tendency to nurture and a need to care.  These are strengths and weaknesses, blessings and curses because as a woman I misread his man.
    I had a tendency to under appreciate my own beings (myself in reflection of them) and to only see them as something that I may break instead of someone that I should and can cherish.  Those individuals that the universe gave me to as well as them to me.  I only saw them as pure and crystal that I may damage, break, or shatter as opposed to someone beautiful of high value that others look at in awe.  Losing themselves in the elegant depth of the genuine value and beauty that only God Himself could create.  I have had these creatures fly impulsively into my life sense high school and I continuously gravitated to the less valuables that were around them.  Only now to have been led indirectly into a dream that I had convinced myself could not exist.  For the last month I have experienced what it is like to have a man's investment without destructive criticism.  I have been embraced with one hand without the other slapping me in the face.  I have been given a pain free investment, and I am so used to the gamble that I am expecting another hit.
    It has been so rewarding to watch the maturity of what a man should be embrace my woman and validate my worth.  So, cheers to knowing what appreciation feels like, Faith heals.

Hearts/Suicide

I wrote a collection of my poetry in which I am planning on finding 3 or 4 women that would like to perform them and give them life in front of an audience.  Because of this intention with my show, I also have pieces that I would only do audibly that are separate from the show.  In other words, I don't perform any of my (shows)  collection of poems any more because I don't want to bore those that would support my show.  However, now I am thinking that.... I can put some of them here on the blog, and I am planning a large event, I can put some of them within there to pin point certain things.

Things are falling together nicely.  Here is a piece called Hearts/Suicide:

My heart exists in a realm of pain, inner dark, screeching secrets,

subtle lights, flashing safe warning signs. 

Beating once to acknowledge its own existence, beats multiple times to move closer to its long awaited end. 

Agonizing over interactions with overwhelmingly over estimations of others.  

My life exists somewhere lost in optimistic shadows looming in from an unacknowledged past. 

Through love I experience intense hatred, fueled by productive fears, sorrows frighten my gentle nature, migrating my soul deeply into spiritual limbo, I know who I live for and where I fight. 

Hands grab at me from every side, my conscious devours my ability to self nurture, I am meaningless in this world, obsolete like the letter “Q”. 

My passion exists in a world of limiting possibilities and lack of care.  Loving for others who don’t love themselves enough to care.

My lust relieves my frustrations, now as a woman able to mold and control my chastity.

Slowed by my lost connection with strength, my sensual sexuality because I’m broken,

Cut

At  the sources of my sensitivity by a world so cold controlled by men, identifying themselves as “care takers”, “lovers”, and “friends”. 

Judgmental hatred

Cut like shards of glass, close-minded belittling forcing me down, loving my femininity into self loathing lifelessness

Arrogant ignorance betraying understanding, transforming love into lost uselesness

Cut

Where sensation is most vivid, I listen to women explore themselves, life of gentle goodness rises shining inside their soft vulnerability

Tortured through dead womb sharp needles still, bludgeoning anything daring to pass between my legs, killing shining star of any person brave enough to chance a connection

Slowly strangling signs of vitality out of positive welcoming goodness, awaiting end of this

Masochistic realm, cutting me into skinned welted bits, swollen, open from repeating hits

Turned into stabb wounds, finished off by fire burning, last of my life to its long awaited end.



Under-estimation is more than offensive....

People often assume me to be naive, but what they don't know is that I quietly observe them.  My sweetness is my decision.  Instead of being bitter, mean, rude, self-pitying, self-righteous, or just plain judgemental.  I have chosen to be nice and understanding.  Openminded and honest is the best way I have learned to cope with the trials and tribulations of my life. 

Coming out into a world where I was made to feel worthless and helpless I am beginning to innerstand that those that made me feel that way were projecting their issues on me.  I have value and I have worth.

Most recently, I met a man that took a liking to me, but it was due to his own ego.  He liked my sweet sensibility and he was probably more turned on by what seemed to be my soft childlike naivety, than my interest in growing and gaining as a person.  After he began to realize that I can get and understand different concepts, he began to distance himself from me.  What a man... 

In my understanding as a woman, I had become so attached, and was so desperate for a man's affection,  that for me he was a door that opened  parts of me and allowed me to explore parts of myself that I had to shut off when my dad died.  He was my muse, he allowed me to open like a book and then begin to turn my old, worn down, seasoned pages into a story, that had emotions and life.  He was fresh air, like new skin after a chemical peel.  He was my youth, my new outlook, he was a new voice that I was able to speak freely and freshly.  I loved him. 

Until I realized, that though for me he was the wormhole into my own dimension, for him, I was some lowly "trick" to use as he pleased. 

My desperation as a woman is what fooled me into believing that to him maybe I was a friend, nothing serious, but familiar and trustworthy. NO! For him, I was something he could brag to his friends about and talk about what I could be (to them) when he decided he was done with me.  See, for him I was a meal.  What I didn't know is that he told his friends, when he had had enough, they could have "their share". 

At this point to me, this no good lying ass manipulative (because he told me he was looking for a soulmate), conscienceless, two bit, asshole is the equivalent of the shit that has crusted over and become white on dog doo (Yes, he is the crusty white dog shit).

Thus, I know my worth.  Any man that can see the gift of who I am and only wants to destroy it deserves the hell he gets for trying to add more pain and devastation to my story.  I also now understand that there is nothing wrong with taking time for myself and telling men that may be interested, "no".   

I don't have to feel like a man taking interest in me is him "doing me a favor", or I am soooo lucky because "A man sees a companion in me".  I now know that a man is fortunate if I can see a companion in him, because too many times they are not fit to hold my hand.

A muse, is nice, but my new understanding and sense of worth/ wealth is soooo much better, so thanks dude, you can officially suck it!