Sexual element and elimination:

Last night it dawned on me... that my ex was not only a bad investment of my love, but he was also a horrible lover. 

As a woman, it is a man's place to understand his soul mate and to help her understand herself, especially in an area as intimate as the bedroom.  My ex not only did not help me understand myself in many ways, but he made me embarrassed of what I have to offer as a lover. 

Growing up as a child, intimate time alone was discouraged by the man I call "sperm donor" walking in closed doors, and accusing often when nothing was happening, which created a taboo of self exploration.  When I finally gave myself permission to engage in sexual exploration with men it was a time of true vulnerability for me, because emotions have not been allowed to connect to sex at all in my experiences. 

Because for years my body has been a place of pain, abuse, and constant degradation for me, I have been treating myself as such.  As a lover, I have taken time to understand the men that I have engaged with and learned them and what they like, but for myself, what I need has never been there.

When I discuss the need for an orgasm in my "Free-gasm" piece, I am discussing a part of me that I have been discouraged by many men from knowing.  I am explaining in simple terms the lover that I have yet to achieve because I have yet to have reached my own peak of sexual being.  Yes, I have gotten close once or twice, and that was unforgettable and spiritually expanding, but it's thinking about how much I took and didn't give that makes me feel as though I am limited when remembering those experiences.  It's taking the time to understand that in those situations, those men had to think outside of their own personal interest and think of MINE. 

My ex began to attack my sexual prowess not too far in.  He began to make me feel like a sexual inconvenience, as though, I was wrong for wanting it, and wrong for wanting to enjoy it to the fullest that I could.  Oral sex allowed me to release in way that I have never released before, I would quiver and jerk, squeak, scream, and quake at orgasm, while simultaneously exploding into a liquid orgasmic convulsing mess. 

Due to this amazing response, he stopped supplying oral sex to me.  He told me that when I came "it was messy."  This made me feel ashamed.  Ashamed to be a woman, ashamed as a lover, and ashamed that I had such a unique response to something so enjoyable.  So I stopped cumming to appease him.  I would orgasm, but nothing that I couldn't do by myself, and worse, holding in that much sexual energy really only meant that it was almost like not having sex at all. 

I have been slowly dying sexually, so much so, that now when I cum, even alone I feel embarrassed.  I only notice the negative of it.  Not that I was able to release all my muscles and sway into a spiritual alignment with the universe while meeting my body's ability to disperse and come together all at the same time, but instead I notice that it's wet and I get cold.  I have no reverence for my body's ability to lubricate and re-lubricate over and over again for hours, or my ability to continue throughout stages of sexual orgasm. 

I have a powerful and amazing  ability to connect with everything during sex, to see astros and cosmos, to taste life and being.  I have grounds that I become one with and planets that I reach while orbiting a star.  And all I can focus on is being quiet and eliminating the mess.

I need to be free of my sexual restraints and embrace my fire's sexual element.

Free-gasm

I need a re freshening
A resetting
A new perspective on life
I need an orgasm
An earth shattering
Dishes clattering
Ground breaking
Building shaking
Dogs barking
Howling
Neighbors complaining
Scowling
Preachers preaching
My lungs screaming
Vocal chords
Squeaking
Screeching
Head board pounding
Mach
Sounding
High pitched
Back breaking
Legs trembling
Lips quivering
Voice broken
Out right
Out spoken
Pleasing
Seizing
Squeezing
Spasm

I need myself
Lost
Space
Time
All in one
Spirit
Freely moving
Being exhaustion mind flowing
Senses blowing
Going ultimate speeds

Galaxy meets
Black hole
Together
Existing
Insisting
Assisting me
To my place
In space
In time
As I look

Finding my resources
New sources

As sun
Begins photosynthesis
My body
Reaches osmosis
As I cum excited to cum
Again
Over and over and over
Up and through
Friendly high
Quiet skies
I’m lost and found
At exact timing

My Taurus collides into your
Insert astrological sign here

As my ox submits to the subtleties of your mammal
My supernova
Explodes
Implodes
Sucking in your feeding planet
Taking you to the pyramids
As you awaken to
Berries
Champagne
New worlds of alternate
Universes
Seen through my completely opened
Eyes

I need a soul-gasm
My heart to God’s hand
As internally I explode
Lost placed exactly where I need to be
Diffused to sexual intimacy
Embracing my bodies capabilities

Moving
Liberated rusing through
Partial expansion
I am running
A leopard
Full speed through
Sahara
Safe to exist
My world of others like me

An elephant existing
In soft life bearing sun

A woman nurturing my child
No wars of children killing children
Elimination families

No HIV/Aids removing lines and lines
Of African Royalty

No white settlers raping
Robbing my land of
Gifts of beauty existent in
Large wealth
Pure perfection
Ancient

Free
Wild
Expansion
Biology
Understood through
Nature’s eyes

Now
A woman
Hunted
As that leopard
That elephant

Shot by the arrow of man
Who can’t think outside
Of himself
Must frame beauty
A still hanging
On his wall
Or worse
Suck nature out
Manufacturing to others
Removing my unique subtle purity

I am an unappreciated
Product
Reduced to limbs and a torso

My  insight
My intelligence
Worthless
Because my worth
Is in leanness of my BMI
And the ass I have to shake

My gift is in his superficial-gasm
Curve of his eye to next set of tight of jeans
Walking by

So alas
My need will be
Until the time
time expires
And my soul has been redeemed free


©  Phire Free2011