(Wo)Man's Search for Meaning: Woman I have found!

I chased him.  I decided to "Seize the day" and find who I was.  I opened myself to life and love, and let go! It was exciting, I accepted who I was and dated openly. I allowed myself to understand who I was supposed to be in a relationship.  I decided to "free my being." When I did, I permitted myself to be the woman that I was supposed to be, not the one that I though that everyone wanted me to be, but who I was born to be.

When I set myself free of the expectations placed on me, I realized that pathway set before me was like walking in a lake, it looked like water, and at any point the solid ground below me looked as though it could fall through.  I felt as though, I was walking on glass and the ground was going to shatter under my footsteps, but I decided to move forward and create a new pathway, a solid walkway.

He invited me long distance to meet his mother, I was going to be that way anyway, so staying to meet the mother of the man I had "fallen" so hard for was not a big deal.  While in the distance, I had ran into a snow storm and due to my vehicle's history of not handling well in the snow, I was apprehensive and attempted to make contact with him, which failed.  I waited around until I didn't have a choice, the snow storm had gotten so bad that I was not able to make travels back home safely.  So, I had to find something to do.  I did not hear from him until "bootycall" hours.  In which he told me that he had not tried to contact me and told me a lie that I had figured out was just one in a series of lies.  At this point I had a decision to make, because he wanted to know where I was and pretty much just wanted me in his bed.

I had a choice to make, did I want to continue to chase this fantasy of a reality that had been "inconveniently postponed for a night" or did I need to reach an understanding that this night was the reality.  That he had no intention of introducing me to his mother, and that I had fell pawn to a game of deception that boys play to "win".  At this point I had to recognize that this was my reality.  I had to look at myself and recognize that this man had not committed to me, instead he dangled a carrot of a future relationship and I was the horse knowing that I wanted that $*#!ing carrot. When he recognized that I liked what I was getting and he saw what I was willing to give him, he turned on me like a rogue agent.  He set me up to crush me and he knew what he was doing.  I had to accept that he was not the man "I fell in love with", he wasn't even a man.  He was a boy that had decided to play a game with the wrong lady.  He wanted me to fall hard and lose my sense of self in his lies and deception. He wanted me to crawl to him in a state of helplessness, while accepting his complete disregard, his lack of value for the sacrifices I was willing to make for him.  I knew that I had owed myself much more than that. He was nothing more than a stooge, because he was the butt of this joke and he fed me the punchline.

He contacted me right after I had checked into my hotel room for the night and wanted to know where I was.  I told him; "It's clear that I mean nothing to you"  and that he would never treat his mother like that.  I then set down my bags and went to sing karaoke.  No sense in having a bad night.

While I was waiting to be contacted and was stuck in a horrible snow storm I realized three things:

1. No man that wanted to be a man to me would even chance me putting myself in that situation. A man that loves me wants to protect me and take care of me.  He's not going to play petty mind games and take advantage of what I have to offer, he's going to make sure that I'm always being safe, even when it's annoying to me.
2. I was the one that traveled such a long distance and allowed for it to get to that point. I am also the one that had to put a solid end to it.  His disregard for my safety and well being was a clear indicator of what I was chasing.  I was chasing a falsehood, that euphoria was my Moby Dick; a pathway that had become increasingly destructive and I was not going to chase the very creature of my demise. That deception of what I thought "love" was.  I decided then, that I was done. 
3. I had to accept the gut wrenching truth that though he was a new space of freedom for me, I was nothing to him. He wasn't growing nor evolving.  He was playing.   I didn't even realize that his unhappiness was where he was frozen and he wasn't moving anywhere.  We were stuck in his own mental game of freeze tag and my taps weren't unfreezing him. He only continued to remain frozen. To him we weren't teammates, I was "it" and the directive was to dodge me, not work with me.  I knew that I didn't want that, I wanted a man that understood that even though the world may make him cold, my touch will always be warm enough to keep him moving, I want a man able to move forward. .

I wanted to reflect on my experience because it was a changing point for me.  I realized that he was a new space for me, that I needed for that moment. His capacity to argue his opinions was refreshing.  His unique perspectives and bold statements were intriguing.  What I built with him was provocative. It was new and exciting.  He came into my life for a reason and when he ended it the second time, his time was up.  I have learned that when a person shows me who they are the first time, I believe it.   I will say that though my awakening was cruel, I am glad that I learned the lesson.  I know now that a man that wants me is going to put his best forward and be serious from the beginning.  He is going to be ready to create that solid pathway with me.  I'm ready for him and the life that we will build together, and this experience gave me a piece of that.

Awwww Hell.... I'm the Queen Bee in this Bi*ch (Part 1)

The man I love told me that he loves me this weekend.  I responded with a basic stage of grief...Denial.  I recognized that I have been put through the trials of understanding our relationship since the beginning.  Understanding myself for the sake of a man that I believe that could be the yin to my yang, or the solution to my equation.  Better still, the Martin to my Malcolm.  

It's this solid intellectual understanding that made me decide years ago that I would NEVER let a man prove me crazy, life could prove me crazy, family could prove me crazy, hell.... school is my source of crazy, but a man would NEVER make me lose the "bit of sense" that I have allowed myself to gather over the years.  Since he has come into my life, I have accused of him of poisoning me, lost myself on the freeway (creating a wild scene and running partially into the woods), and wild'n out on twitter.

Not saying that this is not one side of a two sided coin.  I have also had to work through issues with my best friend because he hit on her, and I have had to depend on different strangers for kindness because he has left me ass-ed out without a place to stay on 2 different occasions.  However, when I knew that he was in personal crisis, I reached out to him and gave myself as much as possible to let him know that I was there.  I have made effort to be available for him when he is or does want to be attentive.  I have taken this time to learn to love myself to be able to tell him, when he asks, how to love me. 

All this being said and recognized, he told me that he loves me this weekend.  I responded with.... Denial.  To add to the entire misconstrue of my mind, I have moved to a place where we are okay as we are, not moving anywhere but cycling through a stagnant, painful, situation that I have felt that he doesn't want to change, so I distance myself until I run into him again and then we entertain our yins and yangs... through thought and processing, understanding that is as infinite as numbers, yet as limited as the letter o.

There was a time when no matter how crazy life around me got, I could always stay solid and strong.  Unquestionably rooted and unmovable.  This summer, I was the stability in the lives of so many, and I have been able to keep my focus and my drive through the insanity of the world collapsing around me, but it took a man for me to not only lose my footing but a sense of myself.  It was not long ago that I was confronted in the bathroom by a friend, of a man friend, that I had allowed to be an associate in my life.  She "checked" me for  simply walking down the hall with him (and if he told her anything else, he didn't tell me.).  I was appalled and quite livid, I am too old and too grown for some little two bit Yorkie to be barking up my Lioness.  I took it to him.  And now, I had found myself, in my own satirical way, walking up on another woman, but this time not to "mark my territory" but to get clarity of a situation.  I am not comfortable used as a woman on the side or a second option, not saying that options can't be in the picture, but when I am not sure of where my standing is options are more than options.  They may be opportunities or more so functions in the life of someone that I would like to be a function or answer for.