Where have I been for two years?

If anyone follows any of my social media I have an Instagram account @FreePhire, which has followed me through the last two years of my life.  As this blog references, I began this written journey in the middle of a transition. I was transitioning from a youth to an adult, from a girl to a woman, from a fragile weak thinker to a strong, black active speaker.

I have been transitioning from a lady to a wife.  It has included many different changes that I am unsure about, with little sensitivity and curious as to what's next for "us" in our life.  When I started writing about what dating and falling in love was like, I was in love with being "in love".  In fact the constant ups and downs are what drove me to continue to look for the same senseless drama.  When I finally fell in love.  True, gentle, angry, love, it wasn't a sucker punch, it wasn't even a sneak attack.  I will admit, I did not see him coming.  I didn't see any of it coming.

He was young and un-established, beginning a professional career.  He was not superficial about his clothing, in fact he was functional.  He was an "It fits and it's clean, I can wear it" type of guy.  He was anxious and his voice would shake when he spoke to me. It was completely awkward and I liked the fact that there was no pressure, except whenever he opened his mouth.  He would tell a horrible joke that was so bad, all I could do is stare and say "that wasn't funny."  I hated that something about this person made me a "horrid bitch."  I didn't know why I became this person with him. I was so raw and unfiltered.  Not calculated and pre-meditated like with the other guys.  He was cool, but man, what the hell was wrong with me?  Why did he shake so much, and why was he so damn anxious? And wtf would make him want to do this any more!?  I was anxious and I had just vowed to myself that I wasn't going to let it happen any more, NO MORE ANXIETY!

I let him know, and we decided to "hang-out".

It was such a disaster, the whole evening was a disaster. First we couldn't find a place to meet.  It was supposed to be the mall, then a light bulb chimed on while I was driving that explained so clearly that,  "I don't know where the mall is!", then, I suggested the one place that I did know, which I was late to, due to traffic and parking.  When we did finally meet, he gets called out by his dad, because his family is at the table directly behind us.  I know, I spoke about this before because it's been so pivotal over the last few years.  That was the day I met my husband's parents and just like my relationship with them right now, it was intrusive, overstepping established boundaries, and lacking respect for his ability to exert his own independence.  I was so annoyed.

If things couldn't get any worse, we went to an event that had an "ex" of sorts present, and a "possible" (a guy that I had previously 'sized up' and realized that he wasn't going to work for me) who was a feature that night, and here I am, walking in with my younger, "fashionably functional" new beau feeling truly exposed because all three of them, two different area codes, three different stages of my life, two established poets, and me all in a space that felt like it was 2 sq ft.  I couldn't have been more ready to go, but I decided that I was going to support those that traveled and engage in this activity, supporting what I stand for in more ways than one.  I performed my piece, gave my donation, bought myself a drink, and pretty much made the best of it. "Cheers! To this awful experience."

To add insult to injury, all that masculinity and testosterone in one room, I was caught with a dilemma when my new beau left the event early, and I had no one to walk me to my car, so I had to deal with the bros walking behind me drunk and talking loud and reckless, while I walked alone down a dark street. It was also up to me to deal with the random man that felt completely comfortable, walking up on me late at night in an area that I didn't know well, on my own.  Since he didn't have the respect to keep his distance, and purposely blocked my pathway to my car, I politely stepped out of his way and said "excuse me, I have to go!" In a tone that I know sounded truly irritated, I decided that this was the last straw.  I knew this wasn't going to happen again.

I was once again reminded that I was continuously going out of my way, and not finding any respect that I deserved, while minimizing myself for the comfort of the incapable.

Except, I was wrong.

The poets, yeah, they were incapable for me.  They were and still are two of the most egotistical, arrogant human beings that I have ever encountered in my life.  My admiration for them was a reflection of how I refused to see myself, and I chose to find what I considered "goodness" in their ways of being, instead of respecting the integrity and strength in my own.

 I didn't know better because I didn't see myself as better, but my now husband, and then "new beau" was the beginning of a new life.  He saw me as beautiful, and caring.  He put himself through the anxiety of seeing me and spending time with me, because he looked at me through admiration.  He went to the event with a bunch of people he didn't know and watched me perform.  He kept in touch with me, and kept asking me out.  He made plans to spend time with me, and he went above and beyond to establish a relationship. That night he left early so he could get up for work in the morning.  He moved on to a better job, and he began to establish his career.  After I told him that I don't "pay for myself on dates."  He took me out.  I almost cut him loose, and he not only validated my value, but reinforced my frustration and gave me his heart.  My transition isn't over, but my soul searchin' has ended and my ending is not the one I hoped for, but it's definitely better than the one I envisioned.
For the last two years, I have seen life from the perspective of someone that is loved and cared for.

I found love, fell in love and found what I have been seeking, but my transition is not over.  I am now working politically to change the community I am a part of to make the world around me better.  I can do that now because my husband gives me the support I need to make it happen.  Love and growth create the ability to move forward.

(Wo)Man's Search for Meaning: Woman I have found!

I chased him.  I decided to "Seize the day" and find who I was.  I opened myself to life and love, and let go! It was exciting, I accepted who I was and dated openly. I allowed myself to understand who I was supposed to be in a relationship.  I decided to "free my being." When I did, I permitted myself to be the woman that I was supposed to be, not the one that I though that everyone wanted me to be, but who I was born to be.

When I set myself free of the expectations placed on me, I realized that pathway set before me was like walking in a lake, it looked like water, and at any point the solid ground below me looked as though it could fall through.  I felt as though, I was walking on glass and the ground was going to shatter under my footsteps, but I decided to move forward and create a new pathway, a solid walkway.

He invited me long distance to meet his mother, I was going to be that way anyway, so staying to meet the mother of the man I had "fallen" so hard for was not a big deal.  While in the distance, I had ran into a snow storm and due to my vehicle's history of not handling well in the snow, I was apprehensive and attempted to make contact with him, which failed.  I waited around until I didn't have a choice, the snow storm had gotten so bad that I was not able to make travels back home safely.  So, I had to find something to do.  I did not hear from him until "bootycall" hours.  In which he told me that he had not tried to contact me and told me a lie that I had figured out was just one in a series of lies.  At this point I had a decision to make, because he wanted to know where I was and pretty much just wanted me in his bed.

I had a choice to make, did I want to continue to chase this fantasy of a reality that had been "inconveniently postponed for a night" or did I need to reach an understanding that this night was the reality.  That he had no intention of introducing me to his mother, and that I had fell pawn to a game of deception that boys play to "win".  At this point I had to recognize that this was my reality.  I had to look at myself and recognize that this man had not committed to me, instead he dangled a carrot of a future relationship and I was the horse knowing that I wanted that $*#!ing carrot. When he recognized that I liked what I was getting and he saw what I was willing to give him, he turned on me like a rogue agent.  He set me up to crush me and he knew what he was doing.  I had to accept that he was not the man "I fell in love with", he wasn't even a man.  He was a boy that had decided to play a game with the wrong lady.  He wanted me to fall hard and lose my sense of self in his lies and deception. He wanted me to crawl to him in a state of helplessness, while accepting his complete disregard, his lack of value for the sacrifices I was willing to make for him.  I knew that I had owed myself much more than that. He was nothing more than a stooge, because he was the butt of this joke and he fed me the punchline.

He contacted me right after I had checked into my hotel room for the night and wanted to know where I was.  I told him; "It's clear that I mean nothing to you"  and that he would never treat his mother like that.  I then set down my bags and went to sing karaoke.  No sense in having a bad night.

While I was waiting to be contacted and was stuck in a horrible snow storm I realized three things:

1. No man that wanted to be a man to me would even chance me putting myself in that situation. A man that loves me wants to protect me and take care of me.  He's not going to play petty mind games and take advantage of what I have to offer, he's going to make sure that I'm always being safe, even when it's annoying to me.
2. I was the one that traveled such a long distance and allowed for it to get to that point. I am also the one that had to put a solid end to it.  His disregard for my safety and well being was a clear indicator of what I was chasing.  I was chasing a falsehood, that euphoria was my Moby Dick; a pathway that had become increasingly destructive and I was not going to chase the very creature of my demise. That deception of what I thought "love" was.  I decided then, that I was done. 
3. I had to accept the gut wrenching truth that though he was a new space of freedom for me, I was nothing to him. He wasn't growing nor evolving.  He was playing.   I didn't even realize that his unhappiness was where he was frozen and he wasn't moving anywhere.  We were stuck in his own mental game of freeze tag and my taps weren't unfreezing him. He only continued to remain frozen. To him we weren't teammates, I was "it" and the directive was to dodge me, not work with me.  I knew that I didn't want that, I wanted a man that understood that even though the world may make him cold, my touch will always be warm enough to keep him moving, I want a man able to move forward. .

I wanted to reflect on my experience because it was a changing point for me.  I realized that he was a new space for me, that I needed for that moment. His capacity to argue his opinions was refreshing.  His unique perspectives and bold statements were intriguing.  What I built with him was provocative. It was new and exciting.  He came into my life for a reason and when he ended it the second time, his time was up.  I have learned that when a person shows me who they are the first time, I believe it.   I will say that though my awakening was cruel, I am glad that I learned the lesson.  I know now that a man that wants me is going to put his best forward and be serious from the beginning.  He is going to be ready to create that solid pathway with me.  I'm ready for him and the life that we will build together, and this experience gave me a piece of that.

The Fruit of me

I woke up in the morning thinking about you, thinking about 


time with you and having a deep and intellectual 


conversation with you. 


Infatuated with the way that you made my feelings and expression 


significant to me.  Deeply and madly in love with me.  Who I was 


allowed to be with you.  Through you, to know and relate to that 


version of you.   I was really me.  The me that I denied and lied 


about for years.  I was the smarter, better, tougher, and most 


valuable me.  You made me see me.  You made me be me.  You 


made me ME


It was the me that I loved when you looked at me.  Loving you 


allowed me to love me, the real me, the genuine, lovely, kind, sexy, 


triumphant, yeah men keep trying to stomp stop and steal me, but 


my heart is triumphant to love me and love again and again until I 


get it right.  I was allowed to let loose get loose and free because I 


had you who understood me.


All I wanted was for you to love me, to think of me and serve me as 


I think of you.  As I serve you and do as you ask of me for you.  I 


just wanted to be the woman that I could be to you, for you, because 


that is what you meant to me, because you used your key to unlock 


the depth and truth of me.  I let you into my heart because you used 


your key to my vulnerability, which was truly strength of me.


You took my key, but unlike other men, you took my key and 


opened up my capabilities, you opened me and then exposed me to 


the world.  But that’s what’s so great about me, because I took that 


exposure and turned it into limitless opportunity, strengthening my 


ability, infinite possibilities with my mental capacity and physical 


need to be free.


I moved liberated in my sexuality embracing my sensuality releasing 


my lioness for everyone to see.


You were proof that everything does come after z, and now I am 


living free to be.