(Wo)Man's search for meaning: My Relationship within

It has finally happened ("Lord Jesus, It's a Fire!!!"), I have finally been in a place where I could take it seriously.  A man coming forward to "win" me over.  Lol.  I am open to new experiences and to the simple joys of life, so I figured what the hell, why not?  I'm finding myself and he's cute.  Plus, maybe it'll be different this time (you know you think that, but when it happens, you just don't know where to begin).

 At first we texted and exchanged thoughts via typed language.  Informal, casual, non-committal.  Very engaging, yet built around the convenience of our schedules, and personal life demands.  I noticed that our exchanges were polite and thoughtful.  Slightly simplistic and they seemed slightly calculated.  Down to his facebook posts and responses (of course in retrospect, I am realizing this).  I couldn't get enough of him and his thoughts and perspectives, we laughed all the time.  His mind was ripe and open, like mine.  His story was different.  He also was an artist, but admittedly choice about when/how he was flaky.  Lol.  He caught me off guard with questions like "How was your day" and about things that I care about.  He showed mature and mentoring concern for my experiences.  He took time out of his life for me.  And I learned how to be more respectful of my time.  The whole arrangement, for lack of a better word, was "perfect."  He became my friend, teacher, mentor, and crush.  Before we even spoke on the phone.  It was a wonder what a phone conversation would be like.

Thus, we finally moved into talking on the phone, in which the world changed.  I was nervous when he was supposed to call me, and he did.  We laughed the entire conversation sharing intimate details about ourselves and who we are as people.  We talked about our families and our close individuals.  We became friends.  He set a foundation of himself for me, and created space for himself in my thoughts, just by being who he was.  It was so automatic, so instinctual, it was like finding two pieces of a puzzle that just fit.  You look at one and then the other, and you put'em together and there they go.  They merge into one solid piece that you can build off from into that larger, more defined, detailed picture.  It was one of the most redefining moments of my life.  I didn't realize it then, but I was being healed.  Parts of my soul was being mended into a quiet more confident presence, while my ability to speak out and firm was being manipulated into a more eloquent and peaceful space of maturity.  How did this happen from talking to a man that I barely knew?

Well, in truth, he thinks... a lot, very analytical, one to break down big pictures into smaller components and then break down each component (I love an intellectual).  Our exchanges were the build off of each other.  My ability to optimize everything into some humorous atrocity that I can giggle at was met by his quick wit and incredible gift of sizing up a situation.  Kismet.  The flow of his thoughts into my words into my life built new bridges, filled in old decaying gaps.  It was like the universe found me a doctor to help in my healing and he just had to be who he was.  I loved how tranquility and strength had merged with preparation and gentility, allowing for me to see the best of him.  It was moving.  When it all came to an end when neither of us could make a trip to visit the other. We had to accept defeat.  As we couldn't meet each other or beat each other in the game.  We were in two different places geographically and we couldn't get to each other.  Did I do it again??  Did I once again get my hopes up about a man that was undeserving of my planning, my hopes, my desires???  Did I jump the gun, only to find myself back on the path of "Soul Searchin'" through the trials and tribulations of desires and preconceived expectations?  Only this time it seemed different.  Too different.

Purpose

So.... learning from my dating experiences (as I should be), I have realized that I don't ask for much from men.  A sense of self, the desire to build a community, and an understanding and appreciation that I am a woman about my business.  So respect me as I respect him, especially if right now I am working my tail off to keep food in my home with my dog and earn an advanced degree.  Considering that I could be on some other stuff, gaming men for money to get my hair and nails done.  Instead, I meet no good gold diggers that want to talk to me, but in their mind they are adding up my dollars trying to figure how to get into my life so they can spend the little bit of money that I may have.

The new dilemma is the desire for me to do "more."  What more can I do?  I am making time for a man in my life as it is.  In all honesty, I don't have time for myself, but maybe that is where I should start.  Instead of making time for a man in my life, maybe I should make time for myself and the right man will join me in the time that I make for myself.

It's really hard to be a woman that wants to take the time for myself, but I guess that's the part that has the most relevance, it's not easy.  We live in a world that demands so much of a person, but its not a person's money as much as a person's time that is demanded.  Especially in this age, when there is such an emphasis on time, high speed internet, "killing time," Paid-time off, vacation time, holidays, family time, I can go on and on.

I have decided that I do want to get married, I do want to have children to share my extra expensive education with.  I want to enjoy my life and engage people regarding all of the beauty that life has to offer, I want to share the joys of my life with someone when I have them.  There seems to always be something.  I guess I could take a weekend off and go out of town to appreciate that I do have Saturday and Sunday to appreciate the silence of life.

I guess it's just that once I start going hard, it's easy to forget that there are joys to life that I do miss.  I become so busy trying to survive that I forget that if I let things go for a day or two they will still be there in a day or two. Nothing takes care of itself.  I want to take a mini vacation so badly I can taste it.

Oh!  The beauty of getting out of this area for a day or two and tasting air from somewhere else.  Having a fresh and beautiful perspective on what the world has to offer.  I am talking myself into going somewhere else as I type.  Maybe spending time with someone that would embrace the visit.

Anyway, I have to remember that life gets hard at times, but survival mode is counter productive, in the end because survival is not just about meeting the barest of minimums, its about being able to embrace life though the barest of minimums are a squander away.

Screw it, I am going to do more than just survive life, I am going to live!!

I am no Hero... I am H.E.R

A world of tears, that guide love and understanding.  Movement is inspired by emotional connections when emotions are manipulated to a point of disconnection.


No longer acceptable to be human, love is now a fusion of natural emotion and unnatural logic.  Truth is a matter of perspective, though illusions of lies are considered comforting and required.  


Don't love me if lying is the only way to tell me your truth.  My tomorrow is not your's to determine, it is mine, to decide what I would like and what I want.  It is my love that I chose to give, and if the person you are as you are is not deserving of my love, then accept the truth and move on.  


My time and space is my dimension to choose directive, not yours.  I choose you to share directive with me not to direct me.  As I would not direct you, though truth be told we both know that I could.  


I would not want to be told how to live a life that has been given me as mine, I offer the same respect.  When my actions read that you are who you are, but you can not be trusted, then I will let you be you 


Alone. 


Loneliness is a truth that we learn not to question, but to accept and understand as the knowledge that it speaks.  Understanding comes from experiencing the unknown, but loneliness and embrace of time alone places development into self that speaks a necessary truth.  


Down the line he may look again and understand that she was no hero, but she was honest, enlightened, and respectable.  She was H.E.R.


© 2012 Phirefree

I'm in Love....

After a long day of texting back and forth, my day ended with King (that's what I call him) calling me somewhat distraught because of my slow response to his attempts at communication.  I admit that I was inconsiderate and that I could have been more considerate and understanding because I don't appreciate being left hanging when I have someone that is important to speak to in my life.  However, this was a day that we had a short conversation AND he spent a large deal of it, explaining to me how he felt, though I admitted that I understood, I was at fault and I am sorry.

In retrospect, my King has told me that he can push an issue to make sure that he is understood, and that is exactly what happened.  Our 20 minute phone conversation was 10 minutes of him making sure that I understood that he felt unappreciated and undervalued because I did not respond to him. He did tell me that this is a flaw, and now I know first hand that he sure can push an issue.  Though, he is still not as bad as I have experienced.  Though, he over reacted and I told him that he is going to get that under control.

I had to express this somehow.  I am totally unbelievably, stupidly in love with this man.  Stupidly!!  That conversation was unbelievable, except when I thought about how pressing that shit was, and then it dawned on me, he was pressing an issue that was important to him, and he needed me to understand that I was important and acted as though he was not important.

I completely disregarded my King's feelings.  I behaved insensitively.  However, in his expression of my actions as pressing as he did, I did not realize until later that he was pressing the issue.  So, as horribly annoyed as I am by the fact that our conversation was cut short and he spent the majority of it telling me that I was not considerate of how he felt, he expressed in his own flawed manner that he felt taken for granted.  A position that I have been in many many many times.  I have a man that has allowed me to nurture a rose, beautiful, soft, petals of velvet, color vibrant, touch sweet and vulnerable.  I will cherish that forever.

Levels of Consciousness: Understanding consciouness... (Part 1)

In my time in the conscious circle I have stumbled into, I have realized that there are levels of conciousness. I have noticed this, but today it officially dawned on me that conciousness (like any other natural need) has it's own tiers.  Which is why there are conscious people that can do "unconscious" shit (that's probably a reason for some of the public disagreements of the conscious realm).  It is highly important to note, that Love also has tiers which is why relationships can change, grow, and take on different forms (because they don't really ever end).  When a human is allowed to be loved, there is a connection that is unique to that human made to that person, place, or thing.

I didn't get it at first, but as time has progressed and I have moved through circles, I have realized that some can be more effective when choosing a level of understanding, and others can be most effective when searching for pure knowledge and sharing on their journey.  It's the difference between being a student of life, and having a specialization.  Some people can share more easily focusing on one thing, than on everything.

I now innerstand the growth that takes place when one decides to accept Christ, and I see the lack of clarity and stagnation of growth that takes when He is not accepted (this is not a Christian emphasized post, this is however a relevant observation).  Since I have innerstood God, my value for what I know in life means much more than material items.  "Fitting in" was something I gave up on a looong time ago, and now, "fitting me" is my most focused value.

It is important to me to break down how I innerstand the levels of Consciousness because I have seen much confusion, and possibly a lot of discouragement due to the amount of awareness that is created when one truly steps into the world of the "Red pill".  I have a responsibility to anyone that chooses to listen to my words to encourage growth and development as well as true innerstanding of self.   In the End, when our people become better, our children will be better, and that is what matters most!

Serenity to all!