(Wo)Man's Search for Meaning: Woman I have found!

I chased him.  I decided to "Seize the day" and find who I was.  I opened myself to life and love, and let go! It was exciting, I accepted who I was and dated openly. I allowed myself to understand who I was supposed to be in a relationship.  I decided to "free my being." When I did, I permitted myself to be the woman that I was supposed to be, not the one that I though that everyone wanted me to be, but who I was born to be.

When I set myself free of the expectations placed on me, I realized that pathway set before me was like walking in a lake, it looked like water, and at any point the solid ground below me looked as though it could fall through.  I felt as though, I was walking on glass and the ground was going to shatter under my footsteps, but I decided to move forward and create a new pathway, a solid walkway.

He invited me long distance to meet his mother, I was going to be that way anyway, so staying to meet the mother of the man I had "fallen" so hard for was not a big deal.  While in the distance, I had ran into a snow storm and due to my vehicle's history of not handling well in the snow, I was apprehensive and attempted to make contact with him, which failed.  I waited around until I didn't have a choice, the snow storm had gotten so bad that I was not able to make travels back home safely.  So, I had to find something to do.  I did not hear from him until "bootycall" hours.  In which he told me that he had not tried to contact me and told me a lie that I had figured out was just one in a series of lies.  At this point I had a decision to make, because he wanted to know where I was and pretty much just wanted me in his bed.

I had a choice to make, did I want to continue to chase this fantasy of a reality that had been "inconveniently postponed for a night" or did I need to reach an understanding that this night was the reality.  That he had no intention of introducing me to his mother, and that I had fell pawn to a game of deception that boys play to "win".  At this point I had to recognize that this was my reality.  I had to look at myself and recognize that this man had not committed to me, instead he dangled a carrot of a future relationship and I was the horse knowing that I wanted that $*#!ing carrot. When he recognized that I liked what I was getting and he saw what I was willing to give him, he turned on me like a rogue agent.  He set me up to crush me and he knew what he was doing.  I had to accept that he was not the man "I fell in love with", he wasn't even a man.  He was a boy that had decided to play a game with the wrong lady.  He wanted me to fall hard and lose my sense of self in his lies and deception. He wanted me to crawl to him in a state of helplessness, while accepting his complete disregard, his lack of value for the sacrifices I was willing to make for him.  I knew that I had owed myself much more than that. He was nothing more than a stooge, because he was the butt of this joke and he fed me the punchline.

He contacted me right after I had checked into my hotel room for the night and wanted to know where I was.  I told him; "It's clear that I mean nothing to you"  and that he would never treat his mother like that.  I then set down my bags and went to sing karaoke.  No sense in having a bad night.

While I was waiting to be contacted and was stuck in a horrible snow storm I realized three things:

1. No man that wanted to be a man to me would even chance me putting myself in that situation. A man that loves me wants to protect me and take care of me.  He's not going to play petty mind games and take advantage of what I have to offer, he's going to make sure that I'm always being safe, even when it's annoying to me.
2. I was the one that traveled such a long distance and allowed for it to get to that point. I am also the one that had to put a solid end to it.  His disregard for my safety and well being was a clear indicator of what I was chasing.  I was chasing a falsehood, that euphoria was my Moby Dick; a pathway that had become increasingly destructive and I was not going to chase the very creature of my demise. That deception of what I thought "love" was.  I decided then, that I was done. 
3. I had to accept the gut wrenching truth that though he was a new space of freedom for me, I was nothing to him. He wasn't growing nor evolving.  He was playing.   I didn't even realize that his unhappiness was where he was frozen and he wasn't moving anywhere.  We were stuck in his own mental game of freeze tag and my taps weren't unfreezing him. He only continued to remain frozen. To him we weren't teammates, I was "it" and the directive was to dodge me, not work with me.  I knew that I didn't want that, I wanted a man that understood that even though the world may make him cold, my touch will always be warm enough to keep him moving, I want a man able to move forward. .

I wanted to reflect on my experience because it was a changing point for me.  I realized that he was a new space for me, that I needed for that moment. His capacity to argue his opinions was refreshing.  His unique perspectives and bold statements were intriguing.  What I built with him was provocative. It was new and exciting.  He came into my life for a reason and when he ended it the second time, his time was up.  I have learned that when a person shows me who they are the first time, I believe it.   I will say that though my awakening was cruel, I am glad that I learned the lesson.  I know now that a man that wants me is going to put his best forward and be serious from the beginning.  He is going to be ready to create that solid pathway with me.  I'm ready for him and the life that we will build together, and this experience gave me a piece of that.

Life's Companionship

I've lost myself

though I've found myself

lost in brown skin

brown eyes

joyful laughter

life's realities

I've lost myself

while I've found myself 

touched through the anguish of 

being taken for granted by so many

yet truly appreciated by so few

made triumphant again and again by life's debtors

Giving value and understanding to being used

I've lost myself 

to your growth and understanding

lost myself to the options that you choose

and though I know that now loss leaves confusion

I know that deception has been refused

I know that because I found myself

You can find what you are seeking

Because I've found myself, you're love is truth

I own what's sought through life that I am speaking 

Foundation is in knowledge and wisdom learned from lacking in my youth.

In feeling that you've lost yourself

You've only been rebuilt to offer new 

Love yourself loving others

Give to life to find what's true

Lose yourself in life's joyful wonders

For there are many, we often experience so few

Lose yourself, see life's precious colors

You'll be surprised at those who find themselves in you.

© Phire Free 2013

(Wo)man's search for meaning: The Love within

Time passed, and the next thing I knew, I was exposed to him more and more.  And it complemented me, I went from heartache to new aspirations, so I embraced it.  And then new aspirations were inspiration, so I followed it.  And we were talking again.  He allowed for it, and then I unloaded.  I had to, it was pining at me.  The emotion and the distraught, and he was intrigued.  So, we decided he could come and visit me.  And My world changed again.  He arrived and it was kismet, again.  We spent the evening the way he wanted to.  We walked around and hung out.  We made each other laugh.  We talked and joked and shared intimate details about ourselves.  When he kissed me.  Just being around him made my mind, body, and soul "get lost" in a whirlwind of serene, open, electrifying energy.  When his lips touched mine I was floating.  My entire body lifted off of the ground and time stopped.  It was just us and my internal sweet little girl.  There was nothing else and nothing else mattered. It was like we were now in a place where space and time collided, coming together in an imploding explosion that left the two of us together to build whatever world we wanted.  The universe was ours to mold as we saw fit.

He came again and the second time was better than the first, I knew this time that he was taking me seriously. At least, I thought I knew.  In fact had started taking myself seriously.  I had put it into perspective, the wit, the conversation.  It was right. It was what I had been looking for.  It was what I had needed.  He embodied the Serenity, tranquility, open-mindedness, wit, and compassionate understanding that took me where I wanted to go.  He fed me.  He was intrigued, not because I was so "weird", but because I was familiar.  He didn't wander down a path following my train of thought and get lost.   I finally found a man that could follow the complexity of my mind, and expand or reverse thought.  Our relationship spoiled me.  We could talk like I wanted to, when it came to a few things he could and would go over my head.  I would lose myself in his ability to break things down to such a deep and thoughtful level, in fact, I was turned on by it.  He kept me prepared for the pounce.

I found myself fully engaged, flexible and ready to bend my way of thinking into new and untouched angles.  Always up for a new way to see the old from his perspective lens.  Just bouncing my thoughts off of his gave me energy and desire to twist together new outcomes.   His insight into his own process of growth through the years created a space for me to appreciate what interpretations he had to offer.  I grew hungry for more nights of deep and meaningful translations of what life had become.  He fed me in a way that no one ever had before.  It was my relationship with him that made me realize that I had been starved for too long.  Looking for, longing for, and loving the unique vantage point that he had brought to my being.

He was dynamic and capable.  He was reflective, not only of how he felt he was great, but what he felt he could do better.  Finally!!! Finally someone who wouldn't allow a persona of arrogance to block the beauty of growing passed mistakes.  I had finally seen a man that had learned to embrace the process of growing from mistakes.  Small or large, the opportunity for growth is exactly that.  He was perfectly imperfect.  The appropriate combination of everything, arrogant enough to be confident in himself, yet aware enough to know his own imperfections and appreciate who he "was".  The best part was that when he looked at me he saw me as who I was.  "Bossy".  The best compliment that I had gotten.  A man that saw me as a woman that he wanted to give to equally.  A man prepared for the joyride of a sister "that's getting her's."  A man, that in the depth of his soul could plant a seed so fruitful, he nourished the tree back to full health and set in motion the re-planting.  I gave him fruit, he not only ate, but he gave back, he gave water, but more importantly, he shined light.  He began the process of photosynthesis, he gave me light, and I gave him oxygen, and whatever resources he could use.  It was an exchange of nature, his light for my air.  His nourishment for mine.  Equally yolked, so I thought.  There were parts he was much better at than I, and there were parts that I had the lead in.

So imagine my surprise when he did it again.  This time it wasn't just disappointing.  It had hurt.

When he left, we had a fight.  It was the most intriguing exchange of frustration I had ever been a part of.  I called him out, and he gave it back to me.  We went back and forth and we both were agitated.  I think I knew at that moment that I was all in... actually I am sure I knew the night before.  Him on the other hand, I  still don't know what his hold up was or is.  He had an issue with everything. Anyway, I fell in love with him.  And then he broke it off with me, two days before I was supposed to go visit him.  Once again my heart shattered.  So, I chose to do me.  In which... he... didn't go anywhere.

I lost myself chasing this illusion of what I needed.

(Wo)Man's search for meaning: My Relationship within

It has finally happened ("Lord Jesus, It's a Fire!!!"), I have finally been in a place where I could take it seriously.  A man coming forward to "win" me over.  Lol.  I am open to new experiences and to the simple joys of life, so I figured what the hell, why not?  I'm finding myself and he's cute.  Plus, maybe it'll be different this time (you know you think that, but when it happens, you just don't know where to begin).

 At first we texted and exchanged thoughts via typed language.  Informal, casual, non-committal.  Very engaging, yet built around the convenience of our schedules, and personal life demands.  I noticed that our exchanges were polite and thoughtful.  Slightly simplistic and they seemed slightly calculated.  Down to his facebook posts and responses (of course in retrospect, I am realizing this).  I couldn't get enough of him and his thoughts and perspectives, we laughed all the time.  His mind was ripe and open, like mine.  His story was different.  He also was an artist, but admittedly choice about when/how he was flaky.  Lol.  He caught me off guard with questions like "How was your day" and about things that I care about.  He showed mature and mentoring concern for my experiences.  He took time out of his life for me.  And I learned how to be more respectful of my time.  The whole arrangement, for lack of a better word, was "perfect."  He became my friend, teacher, mentor, and crush.  Before we even spoke on the phone.  It was a wonder what a phone conversation would be like.

Thus, we finally moved into talking on the phone, in which the world changed.  I was nervous when he was supposed to call me, and he did.  We laughed the entire conversation sharing intimate details about ourselves and who we are as people.  We talked about our families and our close individuals.  We became friends.  He set a foundation of himself for me, and created space for himself in my thoughts, just by being who he was.  It was so automatic, so instinctual, it was like finding two pieces of a puzzle that just fit.  You look at one and then the other, and you put'em together and there they go.  They merge into one solid piece that you can build off from into that larger, more defined, detailed picture.  It was one of the most redefining moments of my life.  I didn't realize it then, but I was being healed.  Parts of my soul was being mended into a quiet more confident presence, while my ability to speak out and firm was being manipulated into a more eloquent and peaceful space of maturity.  How did this happen from talking to a man that I barely knew?

Well, in truth, he thinks... a lot, very analytical, one to break down big pictures into smaller components and then break down each component (I love an intellectual).  Our exchanges were the build off of each other.  My ability to optimize everything into some humorous atrocity that I can giggle at was met by his quick wit and incredible gift of sizing up a situation.  Kismet.  The flow of his thoughts into my words into my life built new bridges, filled in old decaying gaps.  It was like the universe found me a doctor to help in my healing and he just had to be who he was.  I loved how tranquility and strength had merged with preparation and gentility, allowing for me to see the best of him.  It was moving.  When it all came to an end when neither of us could make a trip to visit the other. We had to accept defeat.  As we couldn't meet each other or beat each other in the game.  We were in two different places geographically and we couldn't get to each other.  Did I do it again??  Did I once again get my hopes up about a man that was undeserving of my planning, my hopes, my desires???  Did I jump the gun, only to find myself back on the path of "Soul Searchin'" through the trials and tribulations of desires and preconceived expectations?  Only this time it seemed different.  Too different.

Purpose

So.... learning from my dating experiences (as I should be), I have realized that I don't ask for much from men.  A sense of self, the desire to build a community, and an understanding and appreciation that I am a woman about my business.  So respect me as I respect him, especially if right now I am working my tail off to keep food in my home with my dog and earn an advanced degree.  Considering that I could be on some other stuff, gaming men for money to get my hair and nails done.  Instead, I meet no good gold diggers that want to talk to me, but in their mind they are adding up my dollars trying to figure how to get into my life so they can spend the little bit of money that I may have.

The new dilemma is the desire for me to do "more."  What more can I do?  I am making time for a man in my life as it is.  In all honesty, I don't have time for myself, but maybe that is where I should start.  Instead of making time for a man in my life, maybe I should make time for myself and the right man will join me in the time that I make for myself.

It's really hard to be a woman that wants to take the time for myself, but I guess that's the part that has the most relevance, it's not easy.  We live in a world that demands so much of a person, but its not a person's money as much as a person's time that is demanded.  Especially in this age, when there is such an emphasis on time, high speed internet, "killing time," Paid-time off, vacation time, holidays, family time, I can go on and on.

I have decided that I do want to get married, I do want to have children to share my extra expensive education with.  I want to enjoy my life and engage people regarding all of the beauty that life has to offer, I want to share the joys of my life with someone when I have them.  There seems to always be something.  I guess I could take a weekend off and go out of town to appreciate that I do have Saturday and Sunday to appreciate the silence of life.

I guess it's just that once I start going hard, it's easy to forget that there are joys to life that I do miss.  I become so busy trying to survive that I forget that if I let things go for a day or two they will still be there in a day or two. Nothing takes care of itself.  I want to take a mini vacation so badly I can taste it.

Oh!  The beauty of getting out of this area for a day or two and tasting air from somewhere else.  Having a fresh and beautiful perspective on what the world has to offer.  I am talking myself into going somewhere else as I type.  Maybe spending time with someone that would embrace the visit.

Anyway, I have to remember that life gets hard at times, but survival mode is counter productive, in the end because survival is not just about meeting the barest of minimums, its about being able to embrace life though the barest of minimums are a squander away.

Screw it, I am going to do more than just survive life, I am going to live!!

The Vicious Cycle (Vanity)

In between beat rhythms

Over artistic expression 
of chords and instruments

He speaks lyrical rhymes breaking down his heart

Moments in time seek stability through his words

While he speaks of a question of sanity

Because to dream is human, yet to follow such a path of most resistance leaves one questioning one’s own mental state

Despair through arrogance reveals a lack where vulnerability still stands

And yet to be vulnerable for a whole world to see your nakedness

Is it so difficult to open up to just one other human being?  Or just this one?

Effort or a moment to understand that pain is a tool for growth

Yes, we were hurt before as long as we are willing to be more, we cannot be hurt the same way twice

Instead I listen to music in hopes of a fantasy life

Excusing that though I am blinded by my opponent’s big voices and large presence my battle is won, and my war will be lost to someone who will fight for and with me. 

Though it may not be with him, we will share

Such heart

Such art

And close each other off to our vanity

To be honest, giving my all over and over has not been worth a man’s acceptance, only leading to resentment, because he comes to me lacking, and in need.

What I help to build, I have to leave, because once I build Rome it’s the requirements of my castle that brings him to his knees. 

I deserve a thrown that can carry my weight and as long as that is contingent on my contribution I am a woman worth 5 tons in gold and just being in my social standing can multiply a man’s net worth by the thousands  alone. 

It’s not about what I can do for him, because for him I will bear sons that will lead and create, make paths that have never been made and bring a reputation to his name that it has not seen since before his great greats were slaves

Because for him, I will bear daughters that will bring beauty and grace into this place that will make Beyonce look unkept and Condoleezza look undereducated

Because for him my gifts are worth his investment and I hear it in his expression

Though I work to not allow my heart to speak as I listen

I can’t manipulate nor regain control

I fight to hold my control freak in her place

I am powerless against his spoken word

my kryptonite is truth in his art and though he verbalizes his vanity, I only hear his humanity

Soul speaks as our souls meet, dance on heartfelt creativity

I can’t deny that my heart cries out for

New times new fears

new moments new skies

 And my Hand ties

So then Hope dies

As time flies no more lies

His truth resonates against the walls of my spirit

He tells his soul and with my whole being I hear it

I feel his story, touched and glad for him share

My emotion is strong without control I couldn’t bare

I can see his heart on his sleeve that he wears

Speak my feelings to his ear and let him know, I wouldn’t dare

Especially cus I’m afraid that in the end he wouldn’t care

His Love

Love has conquered my spirit.  Bright skies have stolen my place of solace.
My emotional roller coaster goes up and down. Turns upside-down, while my heart spins round and round. Breaks the ground that I stood upon so solemnly.

My peace has been shaken, replaced with an air of confidence so powerful that I myself have to step back.  For it is not "I' or the power of 1 that I know I contain, but the power of two.  He and I that have shaken up reality so powerfully that I can only see.. He... and me.

Life has changed.  Meanings have changed.  Planning has been re-focused.  What was thought to never have been, has been. The peace in my spirit that I was told by the lies of deceit that I could not find... I have found.

I was "fine" alone... only now that is poison for development for my own.   

I don't need a man, but I need to know that tenderness in spirit to complement my growth.

His hands are not a weakness in my armor, but the armor itself.  

God knew His strength when He developed my weakness.

He knows.

I know.  

Truth is His love of me opens him up for the vulnerability that he could withstand with God alone...

But God said it Himself "It is not good for man to be alone"

As I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I walk alive, knowing that my life is only the beginning of the strength that has been born within me.

The created can not defeat nor destroy the creator, nor can the good be an evil. 

Love may offer life unknown and definitely unexpected, but God is.

God is, God was, and God will be.

End time, love does not cease. 

Copyright Phirefree 2012

A Letter to my Lover

Dear Lover,
Love in you has given to me, fed me and nurtured me.  Growing my best within us.
From the moment we met you had me. When your eyes met my gaze I walked into your arms. Where you hold me for eternity and beyond. 
Swept away in the freedom of your truth.  How your mannerisms are louder than your tone.  
How  you transfer your energy with a touch of your finger.  Move a mountain with a faint whisper.
Brightness in your eyes, inflection behind your words, boldness in your spirit.  Strength in your character and life in your faith.  

My heart beats to your spirits drum, fed and stabilized through your adaptability.  
Only complemented.
That I matter.  Mutual understanding that together we conquer our adversities. No longer fighting alone.  Perhaps no longer fighting.

Peace is a world and love is our universe.  Being each other's. You are mine.

Unleashed in the Dark

Kissing soft beautiful skin, cherry kissed underneath subtle soft peach hue. Gentle touches soothe silent aches within my soul.

Eyes a haven of almond, 
soft
open
safe

sophisticated moans escape round gentle lips of support 

Body silken, moving rhythmically. 

Hands embrace slowly, lightly scanning fingertips all over.  Warm touch and tepid kisses.  

My mind calculates actions my body ignores

Stop

I kiss lightly

...I have to Stop

I lick gracefully

My lips are not going any further than this

My tongue to taste boldness

Okay... here

Lips touch moans fill my ears.  Unleashed in the dark, my soul cries to touch.  My hands caress while my lips search for musical tones singing to my soul.  Lost in night air, passion is motivation, prowling silently through moans of pleasure.  Sensual screams heard through my body's given tongue.  

I touch, I lick, I kiss

Night's light I can see everything.  My hands; claws, my action; intent.  Moans; cries of growing excitement.  No longer about me, but us. Beings purr as growls escape out into open space.  Evolution meets intuition as spiritual collides with natural instincts. 

Okay.... no sex 

Intrinsic process releases spirits.  Mental a back seat to physical, vocal senses become secondary to audio.  Independence is not a factor only building upon loves foundation.  Earth opens to embrace sun; I open to receive teases of dominance.  Eases minds diligence, pleases with prominence.

Growls, howls, and cries release into the darkness

Feasting as closeness disappears into combination

I lied.

Closer and closer, slower and harder, intensity grows more and more.  Prowess powerfully overt.  Freedom loose thru passionate air.  Gone in a rage of 'motional emotion I am unleashed in the dark.

Free minds and unlimited love 

Unbound by unnatural expectations

Only natural acceptance of spirit and all en-composing reality.

Glowing in pitch blackness. 

Check out more poetry:  
(Copy +paste into browser)
https://poets.media/gentle-love

https://poets.media/mess-of-love

Image by Kevin the Verbose  © 2014

Forever Yours

There is no other you peace you found in my heart is yours.  Truth offers a still.  My silence is peace creating open, true life where you can’t find. 

When Earth could contain u in i and maintain balance our kingdom would ascend. 

Now is not ours, we held a moment; A peace, speckle, freely floating amongst chaos.   Dancing on air, watching life spin out of control.

Always grateful for being able. Held in your arms lost in safe open warmth.

Little girl truly protected, found Searching for so many years to find someone to offer me comfort. Healing  a broken soul.

Not to love me, but mend what was broken and suffering.

Raise consciousness, where my giant slept.

Returned to my natural state love, protection, and value

 brought strength to my soul.

Your warmth safe memory, smile a place of joy. Brown in your eyes, depth of your stare, gentle touch, your breath of on my skin, you sweep me into a realm of sweet solid embrace.

nights I cry out for you

I remember strength of loving you is not in forever

but transformation you created in a moment.

I was built and molded through your mind and love.

Taken out of my corner and embraced the world around me.

You are a place of safe, unquestionable love. Exposure  new and unknown to my heart, you gave me a gift that I will carry with me forever. 

© Phire Free 2012