Recently, I have found a freedom that has re-lit so much of my spirit. My being spoke to me and I was freed. Not because I thought he was forever, the possibility was pretty, but not real. My freedom is forever, but the key was once again a temporary for a very complicated lock.
When he and I began it was outside of my own understanding, and I received a new place where time is not time as I understood it. We would lose hours just being together, then life became something different. He was a motivation for newer better heights, not because of his "innovations" but because of my own.
I was motivated to move in my life as I have not been motivated in a LONG time. I hunted and gathered for work and opportunities. I wrote and edited. Looking into what's possible, what can come, what can go. I was once again pushed to another level of my being.
I like the men I like because they motivate me, to look deeper, focus harder, find more. See more. Understand infinitely, til no more understanding can be found. I love that I can dig so deeply within myself, that I am willing to give for it. However, what I have found is that the ambition is so one sided, I want to grow together and they want to put their feet up (on my couch), eat (my food), and then do what they want to do.
NEWSFLASH:: I don't work like that. Growth is a choice, but what is life if you are not growing. Everyday we have cells in our body that regenerate themselves completely. We have parts of the brain that constantly seek stimulation. I have grown accustomed to being stimulated mentally and what that does for my being. I also expect growth to be an aspiration just like anything else. What man can be content looking at the same corner of life for the rest of his life?? Life was meant to be conquered and journeyed. Shared while experiencing everything. The way we allow life to be dictated to us now is unbelievable. We are supposed strive and fight together, for our own piece and peace, until we decide that we are strong and accomplished enough and we would like to stop and enjoy together.
I have grown more and more discontent with men not even willing to appropriately reel me in and sure as hell not keep me. However, I keep learning and growing. I have grown into American men... we all know the same shit, different days.
Most recently I was challenged with something new, not too different, but a little new. He was a MESS. However, he made me look at life differently and I looked at our relationship differently, though, truthfully. He made me feel delicate like a silk pillowcase, he moved me like the force of gravity to a tidal wave. I lost old dead skin and regenerated new and refreshing energy. He made my heart sing sweet sorrowful hellos knowing that goodbye was inevitable.
I had nights of heated endless passion filled with earth-quaking, back bending, vocally acrobatic rhythms and sensuality. On the flip side, I was only supposed to be helping him out temporarily, but somehow I became the source of stability. He had ideas, but no plans. He was excited, but not motivated. He wanted me, but he didn't want me. He wasn't willing to put in the effort of keeping me and he had some other woman paying for his time. He supplied sex and my intimate care, but that was it. While I gave him tools that he wasn't quite ready to use yet, he gave me energy that I knew how to move and conduct. Changing it into my own production. I have done this and continue to do it. I end up, saddened by how little my counter parts know how to get from my elements.
As woman, I have to search for my match. Not what I can match, but what fits me. Whose willing to take me there, and whose willing to go that extra mile. Not for what I can get, but to be used for what I really am, and for what I can do. So I guess, its about knowing myself and what I have to offer. Lol, I haven't heard that before. S/o to all woman.
