In my time in the conscious circle I have stumbled into, I have realized that there are levels of conciousness. I have noticed this, but today it officially dawned on me that conciousness (like any other natural need) has it's own tiers. Which is why there are conscious people that can do "unconscious" shit (that's probably a reason for some of the public disagreements of the conscious realm). It is highly important to note, that Love also has tiers which is why relationships can change, grow, and take on different forms (because they don't really ever end). When a human is allowed to be loved, there is a connection that is unique to that human made to that person, place, or thing.
I didn't get it at first, but as time has progressed and I have moved through circles, I have realized that some can be more effective when choosing a level of understanding, and others can be most effective when searching for pure knowledge and sharing on their journey. It's the difference between being a student of life, and having a specialization. Some people can share more easily focusing on one thing, than on everything.
I now innerstand the growth that takes place when one decides to accept Christ, and I see the lack of clarity and stagnation of growth that takes when He is not accepted (this is not a Christian emphasized post, this is however a relevant observation). Since I have innerstood God, my value for what I know in life means much more than material items. "Fitting in" was something I gave up on a looong time ago, and now, "fitting me" is my most focused value.
It is important to me to break down how I innerstand the levels of Consciousness because I have seen much confusion, and possibly a lot of discouragement due to the amount of awareness that is created when one truly steps into the world of the "Red pill". I have a responsibility to anyone that chooses to listen to my words to encourage growth and development as well as true innerstanding of self. In the End, when our people become better, our children will be better, and that is what matters most!
Serenity to all!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
To the Femcees
I just came in from Miz Korona's video shoot for "Bummer" and it was AMAZING! I have not been so impressed with the amount of energy that an artist can pour into their work lately. This was definitely a mind altering experience.
I became re-aquainted with the drive that I was introduced to in April. Miz Korona, Miz Jes, and Mz. Jonz have all supplied me with a vision of what paving a road looks like. DC, and Ms. Chyna D have given not only a face to the current road that a femcee has to travel, but they have given it a title and even a class. This class of artist is a warrior as well as the castle she guards. There is pain in her struggle as well as healing. Loss and triumph. There is a series in Kalamazoo called Blood, Sweat, and Tears, and all of these women have allowed me to see that we all have had to "put up or shut up" in different parts of our lives, and that is our art.
As an artist establishing myself, it is not an easy task to open up to people that may judge me for my lack of "swagger" or my mannerisms may be too "____"(you can fill in the blank), but I know what putting hard work into ones ability to express is, and I know what it's like to have a story to tell, but not be able to tell it in a certain way.
I wanted to take this time to thank all of the Femcees of the past, present, and future for continuing to breathe new life and new forms into Hip Hop, making this culture strong enough to withstand the abuse of mainstream and the misunderstanding of much of the world around it. I also wanted to take the time to also note that it's the women that made Hip Hop the source of power that it is for the blaq community. Women and all. It's women that use this avenue so strongly for conscious empowering messages! Yes men do too, sometimes, but it's the women that talk about "getting their own" "being met halfway" and "doing their own thing". Yes, we have had women that have had some very negative messages, but REAL Hip Hop is about reclaiming who you are as a person. So this is a thank you and an annoucement of what to look for when looking for great!!
I became re-aquainted with the drive that I was introduced to in April. Miz Korona, Miz Jes, and Mz. Jonz have all supplied me with a vision of what paving a road looks like. DC, and Ms. Chyna D have given not only a face to the current road that a femcee has to travel, but they have given it a title and even a class. This class of artist is a warrior as well as the castle she guards. There is pain in her struggle as well as healing. Loss and triumph. There is a series in Kalamazoo called Blood, Sweat, and Tears, and all of these women have allowed me to see that we all have had to "put up or shut up" in different parts of our lives, and that is our art.
As an artist establishing myself, it is not an easy task to open up to people that may judge me for my lack of "swagger" or my mannerisms may be too "____"(you can fill in the blank), but I know what putting hard work into ones ability to express is, and I know what it's like to have a story to tell, but not be able to tell it in a certain way.
I wanted to take this time to thank all of the Femcees of the past, present, and future for continuing to breathe new life and new forms into Hip Hop, making this culture strong enough to withstand the abuse of mainstream and the misunderstanding of much of the world around it. I also wanted to take the time to also note that it's the women that made Hip Hop the source of power that it is for the blaq community. Women and all. It's women that use this avenue so strongly for conscious empowering messages! Yes men do too, sometimes, but it's the women that talk about "getting their own" "being met halfway" and "doing their own thing". Yes, we have had women that have had some very negative messages, but REAL Hip Hop is about reclaiming who you are as a person. So this is a thank you and an annoucement of what to look for when looking for great!!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Being (God's Love)
A listening ear
Serene in presence
Soft words
peace
Rest my heart
Messaging
Spiritual
soothing
reassuring
Silk
Drip through my mind
Still
Tell me
Whisper softly
Gently
I am not alone
No fear
Thoughts are true
My heart
You understand
Silence
You void sadness
worry
My smile touches you
Even when only within
My cares are true
As you created me
Meaningful
Selfless
Me
different
Redefined
Well defined
Undefined
Me
A woman
A world
An unexplained universe
Your truth
Your being
Your hesitations
Rejuvenate my spirit
Your trust
Eloquent nature
My passion
Open
to
for
through sharing
The softness of my gentle pillow
The gentle softness of my pillow
My gentle pillow’s softness
A strong foundation of love
Here for understanding
Acceptance
Open-mindedness
non judgment
As you made me
Woman as you made me
Woman in your image
Woman as love
© Phire Free2011
Serene in presence
Soft words
peace
Rest my heart
Messaging
Spiritual
soothing
reassuring
Silk
Drip through my mind
Still
Tell me
Whisper softly
Gently
I am not alone
No fear
Thoughts are true
My heart
You understand
Silence
You void sadness
worry
My smile touches you
Even when only within
My cares are true
As you created me
Meaningful
Selfless
Me
different
Redefined
Well defined
Undefined
Me
A woman
A world
An unexplained universe
Your truth
Your being
Your hesitations
Rejuvenate my spirit
Your trust
Eloquent nature
My passion
Open
to
for
through sharing
The softness of my gentle pillow
The gentle softness of my pillow
My gentle pillow’s softness
A strong foundation of love
Here for understanding
Acceptance
Open-mindedness
non judgment
As you made me
Woman as you made me
Woman in your image
Woman as love
© Phire Free2011
Hearts/Suicide
I wrote a collection of my poetry in which I am planning on finding 3 or 4 women that would like to perform them and give them life in front of an audience. Because of this intention with my show, I also have pieces that I would only do audibly that are separate from the show. In other words, I don't perform any of my (shows) collection of poems any more because I don't want to bore those that would support my show. However, now I am thinking that.... I can put some of them here on the blog, and I am planning a large event, I can put some of them within there to pin point certain things.
Things are falling together nicely. Here is a piece called Hearts/Suicide:
Things are falling together nicely. Here is a piece called Hearts/Suicide:
My heart exists in a realm of pain, inner dark, screeching secrets,
subtle lights, flashing safe warning signs.
Beating once to acknowledge its own existence, beats multiple times to move closer to its long awaited end.
Agonizing over interactions with overwhelmingly over estimations of others.
My life exists somewhere lost in optimistic shadows looming in from an unacknowledged past.
Through love I experience intense hatred, fueled by productive fears, sorrows frighten my gentle nature, migrating my soul deeply into spiritual limbo, I know who I live for and where I fight.
Hands grab at me from every side, my conscious devours my ability to self nurture, I am meaningless in this world, obsolete like the letter “Q”.
My passion exists in a world of limiting possibilities and lack of care. Loving for others who don’t love themselves enough to care.
My lust relieves my frustrations, now as a woman able to mold and control my chastity.
Slowed by my lost connection with strength, my sensual sexuality because I’m broken,
Cut
At the sources of my sensitivity by a world so cold controlled by men, identifying themselves as “care takers”, “lovers”, and “friends”.
Judgmental hatred
Cut like shards of glass, close-minded belittling forcing me down, loving my femininity into self loathing lifelessness
Arrogant ignorance betraying understanding, transforming love into lost uselesness
Cut
Where sensation is most vivid, I listen to women explore themselves, life of gentle goodness rises shining inside their soft vulnerability
Tortured through dead womb sharp needles still, bludgeoning anything daring to pass between my legs, killing shining star of any person brave enough to chance a connection
Slowly strangling signs of vitality out of positive welcoming goodness, awaiting end of this
Masochistic realm, cutting me into skinned welted bits, swollen, open from repeating hits
Turned into stabb wounds, finished off by fire burning, last of my life to its long awaited end.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Under-estimation is more than offensive....
People often assume me to be naive, but what they don't know is that I quietly observe them. My sweetness is my decision. Instead of being bitter, mean, rude, self-pitying, self-righteous, or just plain judgemental. I have chosen to be nice and understanding. Openminded and honest is the best way I have learned to cope with the trials and tribulations of my life.
Coming out into a world where I was made to feel worthless and helpless I am beginning to innerstand that those that made me feel that way were projecting their issues on me. I have value and I have worth.
Most recently, I met a man that took a liking to me, but it was due to his own ego. He liked my sweet sensibility and he was probably more turned on by what seemed to be my soft childlike naivety, than my interest in growing and gaining as a person. After he began to realize that I can get and understand different concepts, he began to distance himself from me. What a man...
In my understanding as a woman, I had become so attached, and was so desperate for a man's affection, that for me he was a door that opened parts of me and allowed me to explore parts of myself that I had to shut off when my dad died. He was my muse, he allowed me to open like a book and then begin to turn my old, worn down, seasoned pages into a story, that had emotions and life. He was fresh air, like new skin after a chemical peel. He was my youth, my new outlook, he was a new voice that I was able to speak freely and freshly. I loved him.
Until I realized, that though for me he was the wormhole into my own dimension, for him, I was some lowly "trick" to use as he pleased.
My desperation as a woman is what fooled me into believing that to him maybe I was a friend, nothing serious, but familiar and trustworthy. NO! For him, I was something he could brag to his friends about and talk about what I could be (to them) when he decided he was done with me. See, for him I was a meal. What I didn't know is that he told his friends, when he had had enough, they could have "their share".
At this point to me, this no good lying ass manipulative (because he told me he was looking for a soulmate), conscienceless, two bit, asshole is the equivalent of the shit that has crusted over and become white on dog doo (Yes, he is the crusty white dog shit).
Thus, I know my worth. Any man that can see the gift of who I am and only wants to destroy it deserves the hell he gets for trying to add more pain and devastation to my story. I also now understand that there is nothing wrong with taking time for myself and telling men that may be interested, "no".
I don't have to feel like a man taking interest in me is him "doing me a favor", or I am soooo lucky because "A man sees a companion in me". I now know that a man is fortunate if I can see a companion in him, because too many times they are not fit to hold my hand.
A muse, is nice, but my new understanding and sense of worth/ wealth is soooo much better, so thanks dude, you can officially suck it!
Coming out into a world where I was made to feel worthless and helpless I am beginning to innerstand that those that made me feel that way were projecting their issues on me. I have value and I have worth.
Most recently, I met a man that took a liking to me, but it was due to his own ego. He liked my sweet sensibility and he was probably more turned on by what seemed to be my soft childlike naivety, than my interest in growing and gaining as a person. After he began to realize that I can get and understand different concepts, he began to distance himself from me. What a man...
In my understanding as a woman, I had become so attached, and was so desperate for a man's affection, that for me he was a door that opened parts of me and allowed me to explore parts of myself that I had to shut off when my dad died. He was my muse, he allowed me to open like a book and then begin to turn my old, worn down, seasoned pages into a story, that had emotions and life. He was fresh air, like new skin after a chemical peel. He was my youth, my new outlook, he was a new voice that I was able to speak freely and freshly. I loved him.
Until I realized, that though for me he was the wormhole into my own dimension, for him, I was some lowly "trick" to use as he pleased.
My desperation as a woman is what fooled me into believing that to him maybe I was a friend, nothing serious, but familiar and trustworthy. NO! For him, I was something he could brag to his friends about and talk about what I could be (to them) when he decided he was done with me. See, for him I was a meal. What I didn't know is that he told his friends, when he had had enough, they could have "their share".
At this point to me, this no good lying ass manipulative (because he told me he was looking for a soulmate), conscienceless, two bit, asshole is the equivalent of the shit that has crusted over and become white on dog doo (Yes, he is the crusty white dog shit).
Thus, I know my worth. Any man that can see the gift of who I am and only wants to destroy it deserves the hell he gets for trying to add more pain and devastation to my story. I also now understand that there is nothing wrong with taking time for myself and telling men that may be interested, "no".
I don't have to feel like a man taking interest in me is him "doing me a favor", or I am soooo lucky because "A man sees a companion in me". I now know that a man is fortunate if I can see a companion in him, because too many times they are not fit to hold my hand.
A muse, is nice, but my new understanding and sense of worth/ wealth is soooo much better, so thanks dude, you can officially suck it!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Bull shit
I am so miserable and angry... Why??? Is there a reason? Does this anger have purpose? Am I just cranky, or hormonal, or just irate???
I am back at my place of childhood. Recognizing that "You can't go home again" is a reality that I am now fully aware of. There are many parts of being a woman that are great, growing to understand your strength, your independence, the truth behind who you are. I am so blessed to be a woman. Now, only to be back in a place that I have not had to be in in over 8 years. However, it's much much worse now. Since the beginning of this year, I have been understanding and re-establishing my adulthood, because my 5+ year relationship ending made me have to rethink where I stand as a complete person.
I have recognized that I have many times and in many ways been unacknowledged as a person among those that speak the words "I love you" to me. It began during my engagement, when I realized that "I love you" was used as a form of manipulation to get me to bow gracefully and acquiese at his demands. While he enjoyed his full weekends and days off, I was working multiple jobs and going to school full time, while going 7 days a week and not having time off.
I was expected to plan the wedding that I didn't want. I didn't want the timeslot, or the amount of people, I didn't want the overly large wedding party or the overly large reception. I, however, was expected to plan it all, and make sure that what he wanted was included. Hello!?! It was ALL WHAT HE WANTED!!! He wanted the 14 person wedding party, he wanted the large wedding with at 150 people, he wanted the minimal of 200 mouths to feed during the reception. He wanted the "Crystal Ballroom" and the reception hall no one would ever forget. I loved it and if it was what he wanted, I would make sure he got it, but what did I want?
I wanted a dainty hippie wedding, at night, under the stars and moon. With candle light ushering us out into our reception hall. I wanted just our close loved ones standing around and wishing us well wishes of love and support in a "love circle" and then us reading words of love and reverence to eachother as we held hands in front of the water and gazed into eachother's eyes under the night stars. I wanted to go to a reception hall that then would have the "pomp and circumstance" with his alcoholic dysfunctional relatives drinking and carrying on as the alcohol was distributed and I got to run around and take pictures with people "so happy to be there" but.... when he began to use my devotion against me, I left his ass! That shit is unacceptable.
There is no reason why a person's hair should fall out after being braided for less than a month.
When 2010 ended I vowed to myself the next serious relationship will be authentic and it will not be abusive.
I decided to change, to be a person that would not let that happen to me ever again. To not EVER allow my children (if I ever have them) to know the cycle of abuse. They will have a HEALTHY BEAUTIFUL upbringing that will nourish, acknowledge, support, and encourage them.
I am angry because I have decided to do this for my children since I was 10. My children would not know a man like my dad, because he died and I am NOT resurrecting that ghost. Whatever issues of my mother that I have carried with me need to DIE, because those are not worth years of trauma, pain, or constant self doubt. It all needs to go.
So why in the Hell am I back in this place of old memories and dysfunctional male/female romantic relationships?
I can clearly see that crazy upon crazy does not balance crazy when it attracts crazy! In fact, crazy only creates crazy and then crazy is an environment of unstable craziness!!! I am so fucking sick and fucking tired of fucking CRAZY!!! Maurices crazy ass had the nerve to call me crazy and then continue talking to me, like I wanted to have a conversation. "Bitch, that's why I blocked you!" Crazy don't live here no mo! So I'mma need these crazy muah fuckas to find some new shit to do, because I don't get like that, and as far as my crazy ass kin.... She gon know. I can't do this no moe!!! This is some bullshit that churns my stomach and I will not be vomiting, stressed, depressed, and miserable because she wants to keep her crazy! Her and her crazy can hold each other at night when I am not here, but while I am here, I will be acknowledged and it will be understood, that crazy is a mutha fuckin minimum!!!!
Ole bullshit ass bull SHIT!!
I am back at my place of childhood. Recognizing that "You can't go home again" is a reality that I am now fully aware of. There are many parts of being a woman that are great, growing to understand your strength, your independence, the truth behind who you are. I am so blessed to be a woman. Now, only to be back in a place that I have not had to be in in over 8 years. However, it's much much worse now. Since the beginning of this year, I have been understanding and re-establishing my adulthood, because my 5+ year relationship ending made me have to rethink where I stand as a complete person.
I have recognized that I have many times and in many ways been unacknowledged as a person among those that speak the words "I love you" to me. It began during my engagement, when I realized that "I love you" was used as a form of manipulation to get me to bow gracefully and acquiese at his demands. While he enjoyed his full weekends and days off, I was working multiple jobs and going to school full time, while going 7 days a week and not having time off.
I was expected to plan the wedding that I didn't want. I didn't want the timeslot, or the amount of people, I didn't want the overly large wedding party or the overly large reception. I, however, was expected to plan it all, and make sure that what he wanted was included. Hello!?! It was ALL WHAT HE WANTED!!! He wanted the 14 person wedding party, he wanted the large wedding with at 150 people, he wanted the minimal of 200 mouths to feed during the reception. He wanted the "Crystal Ballroom" and the reception hall no one would ever forget. I loved it and if it was what he wanted, I would make sure he got it, but what did I want?
I wanted a dainty hippie wedding, at night, under the stars and moon. With candle light ushering us out into our reception hall. I wanted just our close loved ones standing around and wishing us well wishes of love and support in a "love circle" and then us reading words of love and reverence to eachother as we held hands in front of the water and gazed into eachother's eyes under the night stars. I wanted to go to a reception hall that then would have the "pomp and circumstance" with his alcoholic dysfunctional relatives drinking and carrying on as the alcohol was distributed and I got to run around and take pictures with people "so happy to be there" but.... when he began to use my devotion against me, I left his ass! That shit is unacceptable.
There is no reason why a person's hair should fall out after being braided for less than a month.
When 2010 ended I vowed to myself the next serious relationship will be authentic and it will not be abusive.
I decided to change, to be a person that would not let that happen to me ever again. To not EVER allow my children (if I ever have them) to know the cycle of abuse. They will have a HEALTHY BEAUTIFUL upbringing that will nourish, acknowledge, support, and encourage them.
I am angry because I have decided to do this for my children since I was 10. My children would not know a man like my dad, because he died and I am NOT resurrecting that ghost. Whatever issues of my mother that I have carried with me need to DIE, because those are not worth years of trauma, pain, or constant self doubt. It all needs to go.
So why in the Hell am I back in this place of old memories and dysfunctional male/female romantic relationships?
I can clearly see that crazy upon crazy does not balance crazy when it attracts crazy! In fact, crazy only creates crazy and then crazy is an environment of unstable craziness!!! I am so fucking sick and fucking tired of fucking CRAZY!!! Maurices crazy ass had the nerve to call me crazy and then continue talking to me, like I wanted to have a conversation. "Bitch, that's why I blocked you!" Crazy don't live here no mo! So I'mma need these crazy muah fuckas to find some new shit to do, because I don't get like that, and as far as my crazy ass kin.... She gon know. I can't do this no moe!!! This is some bullshit that churns my stomach and I will not be vomiting, stressed, depressed, and miserable because she wants to keep her crazy! Her and her crazy can hold each other at night when I am not here, but while I am here, I will be acknowledged and it will be understood, that crazy is a mutha fuckin minimum!!!!
Ole bullshit ass bull SHIT!!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Wepts/ Tears
My woman is dying, she cries out at all times of day... and night. Screaming for life, searching for truth. With enough strength to see her... past my surface.
Understanding vulnerability, a mountain, not judging or planting weeds where flowers grow. Pulling weeds creates Stone where there was once life that breathed.
My woman cries out for glory, light where darkness has prevailed. Triumph where many have fallen. Short quick attempts at life have created an inner starvation. Grasping for air, she claws with her bare hands. Opportunity to see a better anything; a better man, a better lover, a better person.
My woman is found, searching to be found. Screaming to be seen; completed.
Giving herself to less deserving. Sacrificing many needs for one need. Forgiving mindlessness. Understanding insanity.
I am a starving malnourished need for appreciation. My break lasts from my birth throughout my decades.
I was born a wound, open broken flesh never healed. Born a knife wound to a half dead, beaten, broken, body. Life is a burden.
Wounds constantly scraped, incapable of scabbing over. Slits welt, tears become infected oozing with desperation to know healing.
Malnourished need for appreciation; I starve. Broken since birth. Where is value when abusers and oppressors are more important to your birther than you are?
I am a woman. I am a little girl. I am a child.
My soul sobs at night for a caretaker, who may see my mountains flowers and plant trees.
Recognize where weeds have become pulled and plant love... possibly removing Stone. Creating live where hardness and cold, dead weight took over.
Breathing life into soul where mountain hardness and death have made home.
Hoping one day God will provide clarity of my fire and why my heart has to unravel. My mind has to begin unpeeling itself for my life to be validated.
My soul howls through my days and night to know peace.
Is that why I strive to so hard to give it to others?
I am a welted scabbed, bruised, broken, beaten, mangled creature. I can not call myself human because human's are beautiful.
I am pain, anger, devastation, and abuse. There is nothing beautiful about the walking dead but their death.
Until peace can rise, I cry.
Phire Free © 2011
Understanding vulnerability, a mountain, not judging or planting weeds where flowers grow. Pulling weeds creates Stone where there was once life that breathed.
My woman cries out for glory, light where darkness has prevailed. Triumph where many have fallen. Short quick attempts at life have created an inner starvation. Grasping for air, she claws with her bare hands. Opportunity to see a better anything; a better man, a better lover, a better person.
My woman is found, searching to be found. Screaming to be seen; completed.
Giving herself to less deserving. Sacrificing many needs for one need. Forgiving mindlessness. Understanding insanity.
I am a starving malnourished need for appreciation. My break lasts from my birth throughout my decades.
I was born a wound, open broken flesh never healed. Born a knife wound to a half dead, beaten, broken, body. Life is a burden.
Wounds constantly scraped, incapable of scabbing over. Slits welt, tears become infected oozing with desperation to know healing.
Malnourished need for appreciation; I starve. Broken since birth. Where is value when abusers and oppressors are more important to your birther than you are?
I am a woman. I am a little girl. I am a child.
My soul sobs at night for a caretaker, who may see my mountains flowers and plant trees.
Recognize where weeds have become pulled and plant love... possibly removing Stone. Creating live where hardness and cold, dead weight took over.
Breathing life into soul where mountain hardness and death have made home.
Hoping one day God will provide clarity of my fire and why my heart has to unravel. My mind has to begin unpeeling itself for my life to be validated.
My soul howls through my days and night to know peace.
Is that why I strive to so hard to give it to others?
I am a welted scabbed, bruised, broken, beaten, mangled creature. I can not call myself human because human's are beautiful.
I am pain, anger, devastation, and abuse. There is nothing beautiful about the walking dead but their death.
Until peace can rise, I cry.
Friday, August 12, 2011
When Women Walked the Earth
When women walked the Earth
Her figure was Soft Curves
Now a dream
beautiful, Radiant, Skin sensuous, velvet
She knew culture, music, art
walked , her feet companion to the ground
Gentle movement
Mental inspirational
Her worth unlimited, She understood values
Motherhood
Sisterhood
She was sincerity
Her children didn't value her
Her husband saw her as a tool
Men looked upon her longingly,
Lacking their own meaning
Unidentified in their own self worth
Her perfection was imperfect
Her pleasure was in service
Men now, lost, empty, worthless, tearful
Men, labor, yearning for deep clarity
Striving for authenticity, searching for vulnerability
Wishing to rewrite history
Men dying inwardly and outwardly daily
Missing connection, robbed of expression
Existence is oppression
The world is now dull, infertile
Humanity is destined to cease
Faith a memory, love,
Hatred in a universal suit
Wars have ended, freedom,
Alive, thriving,
Peace
a long awaited loss
Wealth, no longer aspiration,
Science no longer inspiration,
Family no longer motivation
Earth is silent lack of care
Life tease to those it bears
result is humanity's fare
Every ones focus is a zone of unknown...
Because...
A true woman's worth has not been worn
Community has been ripped and torn
a child has not been born
Since a woman has walked the Earth
© 2011 Phire Free
Sexual element and elimination:
Last night it dawned on me... that my ex was not only a bad investment of my love, but he was also a horrible lover.
As a woman, it is a man's place to understand his soul mate and to help her understand herself, especially in an area as intimate as the bedroom. My ex not only did not help me understand myself in many ways, but he made me embarrassed of what I have to offer as a lover.
Growing up as a child, intimate time alone was discouraged by the man I call "sperm donor" walking in closed doors, and accusing often when nothing was happening, which created a taboo of self exploration. When I finally gave myself permission to engage in sexual exploration with men it was a time of true vulnerability for me, because emotions have not been allowed to connect to sex at all in my experiences.
Because for years my body has been a place of pain, abuse, and constant degradation for me, I have been treating myself as such. As a lover, I have taken time to understand the men that I have engaged with and learned them and what they like, but for myself, what I need has never been there.
When I discuss the need for an orgasm in my "Free-gasm" piece, I am discussing a part of me that I have been discouraged by many men from knowing. I am explaining in simple terms the lover that I have yet to achieve because I have yet to have reached my own peak of sexual being. Yes, I have gotten close once or twice, and that was unforgettable and spiritually expanding, but it's thinking about how much I took and didn't give that makes me feel as though I am limited when remembering those experiences. It's taking the time to understand that in those situations, those men had to think outside of their own personal interest and think of MINE.
My ex began to attack my sexual prowess not too far in. He began to make me feel like a sexual inconvenience, as though, I was wrong for wanting it, and wrong for wanting to enjoy it to the fullest that I could. Oral sex allowed me to release in way that I have never released before, I would quiver and jerk, squeak, scream, and quake at orgasm, while simultaneously exploding into a liquid orgasmic convulsing mess.
Due to this amazing response, he stopped supplying oral sex to me. He told me that when I came "it was messy." This made me feel ashamed. Ashamed to be a woman, ashamed as a lover, and ashamed that I had such a unique response to something so enjoyable. So I stopped cumming to appease him. I would orgasm, but nothing that I couldn't do by myself, and worse, holding in that much sexual energy really only meant that it was almost like not having sex at all.
I have been slowly dying sexually, so much so, that now when I cum, even alone I feel embarrassed. I only notice the negative of it. Not that I was able to release all my muscles and sway into a spiritual alignment with the universe while meeting my body's ability to disperse and come together all at the same time, but instead I notice that it's wet and I get cold. I have no reverence for my body's ability to lubricate and re-lubricate over and over again for hours, or my ability to continue throughout stages of sexual orgasm.
I have a powerful and amazing ability to connect with everything during sex, to see astros and cosmos, to taste life and being. I have grounds that I become one with and planets that I reach while orbiting a star. And all I can focus on is being quiet and eliminating the mess.
I need to be free of my sexual restraints and embrace my fire's sexual element.
As a woman, it is a man's place to understand his soul mate and to help her understand herself, especially in an area as intimate as the bedroom. My ex not only did not help me understand myself in many ways, but he made me embarrassed of what I have to offer as a lover.
Growing up as a child, intimate time alone was discouraged by the man I call "sperm donor" walking in closed doors, and accusing often when nothing was happening, which created a taboo of self exploration. When I finally gave myself permission to engage in sexual exploration with men it was a time of true vulnerability for me, because emotions have not been allowed to connect to sex at all in my experiences.
Because for years my body has been a place of pain, abuse, and constant degradation for me, I have been treating myself as such. As a lover, I have taken time to understand the men that I have engaged with and learned them and what they like, but for myself, what I need has never been there.
When I discuss the need for an orgasm in my "Free-gasm" piece, I am discussing a part of me that I have been discouraged by many men from knowing. I am explaining in simple terms the lover that I have yet to achieve because I have yet to have reached my own peak of sexual being. Yes, I have gotten close once or twice, and that was unforgettable and spiritually expanding, but it's thinking about how much I took and didn't give that makes me feel as though I am limited when remembering those experiences. It's taking the time to understand that in those situations, those men had to think outside of their own personal interest and think of MINE.
My ex began to attack my sexual prowess not too far in. He began to make me feel like a sexual inconvenience, as though, I was wrong for wanting it, and wrong for wanting to enjoy it to the fullest that I could. Oral sex allowed me to release in way that I have never released before, I would quiver and jerk, squeak, scream, and quake at orgasm, while simultaneously exploding into a liquid orgasmic convulsing mess.
Due to this amazing response, he stopped supplying oral sex to me. He told me that when I came "it was messy." This made me feel ashamed. Ashamed to be a woman, ashamed as a lover, and ashamed that I had such a unique response to something so enjoyable. So I stopped cumming to appease him. I would orgasm, but nothing that I couldn't do by myself, and worse, holding in that much sexual energy really only meant that it was almost like not having sex at all.
I have been slowly dying sexually, so much so, that now when I cum, even alone I feel embarrassed. I only notice the negative of it. Not that I was able to release all my muscles and sway into a spiritual alignment with the universe while meeting my body's ability to disperse and come together all at the same time, but instead I notice that it's wet and I get cold. I have no reverence for my body's ability to lubricate and re-lubricate over and over again for hours, or my ability to continue throughout stages of sexual orgasm.
I have a powerful and amazing ability to connect with everything during sex, to see astros and cosmos, to taste life and being. I have grounds that I become one with and planets that I reach while orbiting a star. And all I can focus on is being quiet and eliminating the mess.
I need to be free of my sexual restraints and embrace my fire's sexual element.
Free-gasm
I need a re freshening
A resetting
A new perspective on life
I need an orgasm
An earth shattering
Dishes clattering
Ground breaking
Building shaking
Dogs barking
Howling
Neighbors complaining
Scowling
Preachers preaching
My lungs screaming
Vocal chords
Squeaking
Screeching
Head board pounding
Mach
Sounding
High pitched
Back breaking
Legs trembling
Lips quivering
Voice broken
Out right
Out spoken
Pleasing
Seizing
Squeezing
Spasm
I need myself
Lost
Space
Time
All in one
Spirit
Freely moving
Being exhaustion mind flowing
Senses blowing
Going ultimate speeds
Galaxy meets
Black hole
Together
Existing
Insisting
Assisting me
To my place
In space
In time
As I look
Finding my resources
New sources
As sun
Begins photosynthesis
My body
Reaches osmosis
As I cum excited to cum
Again
Over and over and over
Up and through
Friendly high
Quiet skies
I’m lost and found
At exact timing
My Taurus collides into your
Insert astrological sign here
As my ox submits to the subtleties of your mammal
My supernova
Explodes
Implodes
Sucking in your feeding planet
Taking you to the pyramids
As you awaken to
Berries
Champagne
New worlds of alternate
Universes
Seen through my completely opened
Eyes
I need a soul-gasm
My heart to God’s hand
As internally I explode
Lost placed exactly where I need to be
Diffused to sexual intimacy
Embracing my bodies capabilities
Moving
Liberated rusing through
Partial expansion
I am running
A leopard
Full speed through
Sahara
Safe to exist
My world of others like me
An elephant existing
In soft life bearing sun
A woman nurturing my child
No wars of children killing children
Elimination families
No HIV/Aids removing lines and lines
Of African Royalty
No white settlers raping
Robbing my land of
Gifts of beauty existent in
Large wealth
Pure perfection
Ancient
Free
Wild
Expansion
Biology
Understood through
Nature’s eyes
Now
A woman
Hunted
As that leopard
That elephant
Shot by the arrow of man
Who can’t think outside
Of himself
Must frame beauty
A still hanging
On his wall
Or worse
Suck nature out
Manufacturing to others
Removing my unique subtle purity
I am an unappreciated
Product
Reduced to limbs and a torso
My insight
My intelligence
Worthless
Because my worth
Is in leanness of my BMI
And the ass I have to shake
My gift is in his superficial-gasm
Curve of his eye to next set of tight of jeans
Walking by
So alas
My need will be
Until the time
time expires
And my soul has been redeemed free
© Phire Free2011
A resetting
A new perspective on life
I need an orgasm
An earth shattering
Dishes clattering
Ground breaking
Building shaking
Dogs barking
Howling
Neighbors complaining
Scowling
Preachers preaching
My lungs screaming
Vocal chords
Squeaking
Screeching
Head board pounding
Mach
Sounding
High pitched
Back breaking
Legs trembling
Lips quivering
Voice broken
Out right
Out spoken
Pleasing
Seizing
Squeezing
Spasm
I need myself
Lost
Space
Time
All in one
Spirit
Freely moving
Being exhaustion mind flowing
Senses blowing
Going ultimate speeds
Galaxy meets
Black hole
Together
Existing
Insisting
Assisting me
To my place
In space
In time
As I look
Finding my resources
New sources
As sun
Begins photosynthesis
My body
Reaches osmosis
As I cum excited to cum
Again
Over and over and over
Up and through
Friendly high
Quiet skies
I’m lost and found
At exact timing
My Taurus collides into your
Insert astrological sign here
As my ox submits to the subtleties of your mammal
My supernova
Explodes
Implodes
Sucking in your feeding planet
Taking you to the pyramids
As you awaken to
Berries
Champagne
New worlds of alternate
Universes
Seen through my completely opened
Eyes
I need a soul-gasm
My heart to God’s hand
As internally I explode
Lost placed exactly where I need to be
Diffused to sexual intimacy
Embracing my bodies capabilities
Moving
Liberated rusing through
Partial expansion
I am running
A leopard
Full speed through
Sahara
Safe to exist
My world of others like me
An elephant existing
In soft life bearing sun
A woman nurturing my child
No wars of children killing children
Elimination families
No HIV/Aids removing lines and lines
Of African Royalty
No white settlers raping
Robbing my land of
Gifts of beauty existent in
Large wealth
Pure perfection
Ancient
Free
Wild
Expansion
Biology
Understood through
Nature’s eyes
Now
A woman
Hunted
As that leopard
That elephant
Shot by the arrow of man
Who can’t think outside
Of himself
Must frame beauty
A still hanging
On his wall
Or worse
Suck nature out
Manufacturing to others
Removing my unique subtle purity
I am an unappreciated
Product
Reduced to limbs and a torso
My insight
My intelligence
Worthless
Because my worth
Is in leanness of my BMI
And the ass I have to shake
My gift is in his superficial-gasm
Curve of his eye to next set of tight of jeans
Walking by
So alas
My need will be
Until the time
time expires
And my soul has been redeemed free
© Phire Free2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Sometimes we just have to realize....
He messaged me. There was nothing that I wanted to talk about said, so I steered the conversation. He continued to contact me, but not give me what I want. So gave him an honest assessment, in writing: You are talker and you are repetitive so you talk a lot of shit, you probably talk circles around most. You have an interest in politics so you probably lie convincingly, and you are not looking for anything serious, so you are just strolling like an alley cat or a " rolling stone".
I realized that I was not getting what I wanted and instead of being the gentle ego stroking soul, I was honest and upfront. His reaction made me feel bad, but that was because I was putting more into it than what was there. Yes, I hurt his ego, and yes, I was brutal in my honesty, but THAT is what he gave me to work with. That was him, not me. I need to stop taking on the feelings of others, and just take what I say as how I mean it. I have been acquiescing for the comfort of men my whole life. I never liked the man that donated the sperm for my birth, and yes he was there for 15 years of my life, but he was beating my mother, and beating me and my siblings. His abuse was mental, emotional, and verbal. As a baby, I never like him, and as a little girl, I didn't like him, either. When I became old enough to begin to value our relationship I learned quickly to reconsider my feelings about things and then, his feelings became more important than mine, which became males were more important than me.
I have been living this form of life for many years, and I am now tired of the what it means for me. I am now at the point that I have a right to live. I have a right to enjoy things... like sex, and dating, and conversation without feeling like I need to compensate for something. For what??? As a woman of distinction it is absolutely my right to walk away from a date, being done with a man, because 9 times out of 10, I taught him something. Or I offered a new perspective for him to see life differently. Thus, it was a valuable exchange.
However, this entire ordeal is not only on the man I call "sperm donor" this is also on the woman I call "maternal body". If she explained to me that my value was simply in my existence, and that I would not have submit so easily to the underhandedness of any man, I would not have put such value in pond scum (men and women). I would not be eliminating "friends" after years of abuse right now. If this woman would have acknowledged her bias toward her son over both of her daughters then I would have been able to counter balance my intrinsic need for love with my extrinsic lack of value.
However, this was not done, so now I am spending my time of self discovery also discovering who has value in my life and who needs to leave. I am also taking inventory of "blood" and seeing who is on the chopping block because I need to cleanse. My spirit has been polluted with the darkness of takers for too long.
To rid my life of these individuals I have completed steps one and two:
1) I have acknowledged and certified who they are. These are the people that think of themselves and say they are thinking of you. These are the people that say they are "happy for you", or may not say it, but through certain comments let it be known that they are unhappy with self and you remind them of that. These are the people who are first to make sure that are you being picked up, so they know for sure that you are/were down.
2) I begun weening them out and replacing them with healthier and more stable individuals. I have found people that can empathize with me, and understand that even when they matter, I matter. I have found people that will give what they have to make sure that I am okay. I have found love in a form of selflessness.
The next steps is to complete my process in life and while I'm at it move away from the negative, angry, and unhealthy energy. It can not do anything but slow me down.
3) Progress... keep moving forward and upward. Not allowing weight to pull or slow me down.
Sometimes you just have to realize... when and how to get away from those that don't mean any good.
I realized that I was not getting what I wanted and instead of being the gentle ego stroking soul, I was honest and upfront. His reaction made me feel bad, but that was because I was putting more into it than what was there. Yes, I hurt his ego, and yes, I was brutal in my honesty, but THAT is what he gave me to work with. That was him, not me. I need to stop taking on the feelings of others, and just take what I say as how I mean it. I have been acquiescing for the comfort of men my whole life. I never liked the man that donated the sperm for my birth, and yes he was there for 15 years of my life, but he was beating my mother, and beating me and my siblings. His abuse was mental, emotional, and verbal. As a baby, I never like him, and as a little girl, I didn't like him, either. When I became old enough to begin to value our relationship I learned quickly to reconsider my feelings about things and then, his feelings became more important than mine, which became males were more important than me.
I have been living this form of life for many years, and I am now tired of the what it means for me. I am now at the point that I have a right to live. I have a right to enjoy things... like sex, and dating, and conversation without feeling like I need to compensate for something. For what??? As a woman of distinction it is absolutely my right to walk away from a date, being done with a man, because 9 times out of 10, I taught him something. Or I offered a new perspective for him to see life differently. Thus, it was a valuable exchange.
However, this entire ordeal is not only on the man I call "sperm donor" this is also on the woman I call "maternal body". If she explained to me that my value was simply in my existence, and that I would not have submit so easily to the underhandedness of any man, I would not have put such value in pond scum (men and women). I would not be eliminating "friends" after years of abuse right now. If this woman would have acknowledged her bias toward her son over both of her daughters then I would have been able to counter balance my intrinsic need for love with my extrinsic lack of value.
However, this was not done, so now I am spending my time of self discovery also discovering who has value in my life and who needs to leave. I am also taking inventory of "blood" and seeing who is on the chopping block because I need to cleanse. My spirit has been polluted with the darkness of takers for too long.
To rid my life of these individuals I have completed steps one and two:
1) I have acknowledged and certified who they are. These are the people that think of themselves and say they are thinking of you. These are the people that say they are "happy for you", or may not say it, but through certain comments let it be known that they are unhappy with self and you remind them of that. These are the people who are first to make sure that are you being picked up, so they know for sure that you are/were down.
2) I begun weening them out and replacing them with healthier and more stable individuals. I have found people that can empathize with me, and understand that even when they matter, I matter. I have found people that will give what they have to make sure that I am okay. I have found love in a form of selflessness.
The next steps is to complete my process in life and while I'm at it move away from the negative, angry, and unhealthy energy. It can not do anything but slow me down.
3) Progress... keep moving forward and upward. Not allowing weight to pull or slow me down.
Sometimes you just have to realize... when and how to get away from those that don't mean any good.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Lose the Excess Baggage...
In my recent understanding that a group of men were trying to prey on my sweet nature, I realized that they wanted to pass me around like a joint. In realizing that this is their intention, I had to recognize that it came from a man that told me that he liked me, shared in depth thoughts with me for months and has told me intimate parts about himself, told me about his parents. He told me about his education, shared with me about girlfriend's, previous relationships, experiences as a lover, boyfriend, man that has experienced life. Not only sharing with me, but he took intimate parts of me. He wanted to know "everything about me he should know" so I told him, I told him about my trainwreck of a previous relationship and how my life was threatened. I told him about how my family had mistreated and walked over me, I told him about how I only try to be the best that I can be to everyone that I encounter because there is so much negativity in the world, and not enough consideration of others. Only for him to prey on my sense of respect for him, left me questioning myself. My integrity is great and paramount to me. To think that these individuals had only the intent to destroy what and who I am. To think that I had allowed this man to know the greatness of who I am, and he could only see me as a meal for he and his friends to devour, left me thinking. Where is my vision that I would allow such a wolf to get into my heart and leave a distaste so foul?
In my new understanding of my naivety, I have realized that my intention for other's is great and there is nothing wrong with trying to be the best person I can be. What is wrong is that I have been blind to the lies of such mayhem for so long. I am now able to see my issues as a woman and now need to find a way to be a woman not a gullable little girl willing to open my trust to a monster who only wants to destroy it. It is now time for me to become a woman.
I decided to begin this blog with the understanding that this transition is important for me as a woman to be able to love myself and any person that would like to be a candidate for my completion. It is paramount that I take the steps necessary to cut out the people that only take from me, and to only open my life to people that are going to be what I need when I need them.
With that stated, I had many friends that were with me when I graduated from highschool, but when I went to college, they allowed me to sit far away by myself without them to come visit me. I would go home and see them and take time out of my life to dedicate to them, and now that I am at another school far away, they have yet (with the exception of a couple) to come to visit me. I have decided, soul devouring people are now being cut out of my life, for they only contribute to me reaching out to monsters that I hope will help me restore where I have been wounded.
It is time to lose the excess baggage!
In my new understanding of my naivety, I have realized that my intention for other's is great and there is nothing wrong with trying to be the best person I can be. What is wrong is that I have been blind to the lies of such mayhem for so long. I am now able to see my issues as a woman and now need to find a way to be a woman not a gullable little girl willing to open my trust to a monster who only wants to destroy it. It is now time for me to become a woman.
I decided to begin this blog with the understanding that this transition is important for me as a woman to be able to love myself and any person that would like to be a candidate for my completion. It is paramount that I take the steps necessary to cut out the people that only take from me, and to only open my life to people that are going to be what I need when I need them.
With that stated, I had many friends that were with me when I graduated from highschool, but when I went to college, they allowed me to sit far away by myself without them to come visit me. I would go home and see them and take time out of my life to dedicate to them, and now that I am at another school far away, they have yet (with the exception of a couple) to come to visit me. I have decided, soul devouring people are now being cut out of my life, for they only contribute to me reaching out to monsters that I hope will help me restore where I have been wounded.
It is time to lose the excess baggage!
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