Soul Searchin'

Night sky falls background my heart pounds.  Lost in war of men on women and women on men good only find bad and  bad only find the worst, so fine tuning into something better is not only difficult, but constantly being opposed and growing less and less likely. 

 I look at you, stuck between the ability to elevate and grow, or be turned into more of a skeptic by what outsiders looking in have described to me as a situation that can only end badly.

But I can’t hold you to their standards; I can only hold you to your own.  Fruit that you planted in me, is growing, feeding others, making ways where there were once dead ends.  Giving meals where people were once starving. 

You completely unaware of what you’ve done, or how you've done it.  I wonder if you care that you left an impression at all, besides the small grooves I know you would like to make in my womb.

Ultimately, I cannot continue to let my hopes for what you may want to be continue to allow me to grow increasingly toxic, for you and everyone that would like to be a man in my life, I am obligated to be a positive force repelling constant negativity trying to destroy our people.  My people.  Your people.  I pray to God a man that walks in solid shoes can plant a tree of knowledge in me that would create a space for me to grow past the constant days lacking in exchange.  My loss of masculine security and strength. 

I don’t know what a good blaq man looks like, I have heard of them, but for me a good blaq man is a myth, like a dragon, or a mermaid.  I know that I owe it to the man that will be the man I need him to be not to let the actions of your hatred char me into a man-hating storm that will destroy the next African-American brother willing to step into African-American Masculine maturity for my sake.

When we are hot, we can warm each other’s cold nights of insomnia and infinite energy creating our own island that exists only as a mattress saturated with your sweat and my outpouring feminine essence.  Exploding over and over again in passionate ardent lust and laughter from quips.  Exchanged and understood only through humor and gentle open-ness. 

This climactic climate that allows for me to open and grow within you, creating in me a liberty and foundation I have never been so open to obtaining sustaining this climate only created when I have your manly essence of old books and sprightly intent that creates warmth where I was once cold.

But when you are cold, when you are cold… I become a fire of unbridled loose energy freely scattering no appropriate direction.  Not only wanting to be used on your erection or manifestation of your love through sensual moments and gentility, I would like to be conducted like electricity, working for the bigger space to create space for those of us that need to understand that space and time is a friend. 

Growing warmth, renewable energy, and genuine human softness is raw a beginning to growing to newer better heights withstanding painful revolution of change within reflected without by those that watch us grow.  My hearts content on whether you choose to come with me this time “no”  is no longer going to suffice.  No is not an answer that you can give, you can only choose which direction “yes” will take you in.

You are cold, I am affected by not only the laws of inertia but the laws of lost and untamed love, full of fulfillment yet thawed and re-frozen by carelessness and hostile agitation.  You call yoself Osiris but Yo Isis is where yo Eyes is. You talk about your soul mate but I am where yo mind is.   I'm lookin' you in your eyes, so with truth is where mine is.

It is peace in you that ignites the fight in me, but you are not my enemy, you are my only ally and I should be fighting my true enemy not my lover that you clumsily stumbled on being in my life.  Why does this have to be such a battle?  Why can’t you just fight your learned instincts of barriers and embrace my re-programming of opening up?

In the end this battle needs to end, our soul searchin’ needs to end, because if we both lose a lover if we both lose each other then we both lose the opportunity to understand and offer an example of Blaq love.

© Phire Free 2012

Jesus bless us, Times are hard. (Detroit)

I have an obligation to Detroit.  I love the city and it is hurting me to hear all of the things that are happening.  Even though I am hearing great things are also happening.  I feel powerless to one extent because I want to be in the City, working with youth and walking with young women that feel as though their only options right now are to sell their body, or "hustle" in ways worth much more than any money they will ever make.  Discussing true genocide with young men and growing understanding in how dangerous the lie of this economy really is.  I want to be there and share this information and this knowledge.

I however am a student, and I believe it is a strong mentality that "Don't take money advice from those that don't have any" thus, I feel as though I can't say anything.  I also have a strong distaste for those that look like they have money, but are one paycheck away from losing their footing.  This is an epidemic.

Somehow, the African experience has been watered down and mashed into an unrealistic understanding of "money = power".  This is false, money is not equivalent to power in the African culture, money can add to the power that one has already, but if that power if forfeited before the age of knowledge, then what is the use?

I bring this up because there is a limited understanding of the power that is taken from the African-American community.  We conceive and bare our children in a European-American way, with lack of regard of how our children will be effected by our actions, and lack of support for our children when they are born, and then we put them in schools with a European-American based "mindset" or "curriculum" telling them how to think about things, and watering down the essence of their lives to basic minute concepts that are so (for lack of a better word) "simplistic" that often times the thought process is "It can't be that easy".

The significance of this is powerful, as a community, we have to think so far ahead that our children are brought back when they begin Kindergarten, basically needing to retrain themselves to think like "everyone else", we are not everyone else.  When reflecting on this it is important for those of us in the midwest to remember that the rest of the country does not think like us.  Our children and families need exposure to the rest of the country, and definitely the rest of world when able.  What does this have to do with Detroit??

When Detroit is all that we know and the people fail it as we did when Kwame Kilpatrick was voted into office, and when the State of Michigan allowed Engler in for another term (which effected the whole state, but definitely did not help Detroit), and like now, when our people are hurting and fighting a battle against oppressive Michigan government, how are we going to feel about ourselves?  Not like we can make difference.  Not like there is anything that we can do to make this situation any better.  Definitely, not like there is somewhere that we can go, or that we want to go.  It's time for those of us that can begin to organize to make the conscious choice to act on the behalf of those that can not act for themselves and make a stand.

"Healing the Heart" is an artistic movement making a statement about the oppressive racism in Michigan, Detroit is the base, but I would ultimately like to have a Statewide movement.  If anyone is an artist in any way and would like to contribute to a citywide statement on the racism in Detroit and the Metro-Detroit area please...Please PLEASE let me know and contact me via facebook, twitter, and if you have it my g-mail.  It is VERY IMPORTANT TO ME that we at least try to take a stand and make a statement that reflects our view of racism in our community.

Awwww Hell.... I'm the Queen Bee in this Bi*ch (Part 2)

When he called her his "queen", I died.  My heart stopped and my ears clogged and there was no world around me, because as much as I had grown and changed, I was not evolved enough for the name that I had been given.  At least not to see it worn by someone else.

I have earned my life, I have worked through being unwanted and unloved.  I continue to love through constant challenge and insistent judgment.  I have climbed out of manholes to hold myself up and gain enough strength to keep going, but to see that I have put in effort to give creative space, and offer open-minded acceptance.  He called her his queen


I don't know what he put her through but I know that I didn't cry after getting "I miss u" text messages at 5:00am, and dread not texting or calling him on his birthday, or listen to songs thinking about the time that I could be spending with someone who would understand me to see some "Other" woman be called his queen.


I know that I am a phenomenal woman, and now I know that I want a love like my grand-parents.  I want a man that may make mistakes, and do stupid things sometimes, and have ridiculous reactions to things at times or may not be completely self aware all the time, but knows that he loves me and understands that my crazy exists, but so does my little girl.  I want a man that can see that though I may be bitching and whining (or in my case lashing out) about something small or insignificant; when he looks at me, and tells me to "calm down" or "be easy" he knows that he's speaking to a little girl who has had to fight people twice her size to prove fit for her own survival.  That may be "Scathing" with her words, but is only saying "I'm frightened" or "I'm hurting" or "hold me".  I know that I have been angry, and boisterous, throughout this whole process because I'm so inspired and so challenged, uninhibited and free.  I am also so ignored and left unacknowledged.  Unfed and left wanting.  So much time for others, and so little for me.  


"I'm sorry" is not going to erase the amount of awkward oddness that I have placed into the universe, it won't delete the horrible, unquestionable honesty that I put in a tweet, it won't undo the disrespect that I lashed out at maximum capacity in any way, but it has allowed me to see that I hurt, and in turn I hurt others.  I let my emotions take control of my judgment and I have been and am going to be up all night crying into my pillow, wondering how human do I have to become before I accept that I am not superwoman.  Before I recognize that like any person, I can think irrationally and act out of passion and hurt and anger.  At what point will I realize that I can meet many standards, but my own are too high.

In the end, I am truly sorry.

Awwww Hell.... I'm the Queen Bee in this Bi*ch (Part 1)

The man I love told me that he loves me this weekend.  I responded with a basic stage of grief...Denial.  I recognized that I have been put through the trials of understanding our relationship since the beginning.  Understanding myself for the sake of a man that I believe that could be the yin to my yang, or the solution to my equation.  Better still, the Martin to my Malcolm.  

It's this solid intellectual understanding that made me decide years ago that I would NEVER let a man prove me crazy, life could prove me crazy, family could prove me crazy, hell.... school is my source of crazy, but a man would NEVER make me lose the "bit of sense" that I have allowed myself to gather over the years.  Since he has come into my life, I have accused of him of poisoning me, lost myself on the freeway (creating a wild scene and running partially into the woods), and wild'n out on twitter.

Not saying that this is not one side of a two sided coin.  I have also had to work through issues with my best friend because he hit on her, and I have had to depend on different strangers for kindness because he has left me ass-ed out without a place to stay on 2 different occasions.  However, when I knew that he was in personal crisis, I reached out to him and gave myself as much as possible to let him know that I was there.  I have made effort to be available for him when he is or does want to be attentive.  I have taken this time to learn to love myself to be able to tell him, when he asks, how to love me. 

All this being said and recognized, he told me that he loves me this weekend.  I responded with.... Denial.  To add to the entire misconstrue of my mind, I have moved to a place where we are okay as we are, not moving anywhere but cycling through a stagnant, painful, situation that I have felt that he doesn't want to change, so I distance myself until I run into him again and then we entertain our yins and yangs... through thought and processing, understanding that is as infinite as numbers, yet as limited as the letter o.

There was a time when no matter how crazy life around me got, I could always stay solid and strong.  Unquestionably rooted and unmovable.  This summer, I was the stability in the lives of so many, and I have been able to keep my focus and my drive through the insanity of the world collapsing around me, but it took a man for me to not only lose my footing but a sense of myself.  It was not long ago that I was confronted in the bathroom by a friend, of a man friend, that I had allowed to be an associate in my life.  She "checked" me for  simply walking down the hall with him (and if he told her anything else, he didn't tell me.).  I was appalled and quite livid, I am too old and too grown for some little two bit Yorkie to be barking up my Lioness.  I took it to him.  And now, I had found myself, in my own satirical way, walking up on another woman, but this time not to "mark my territory" but to get clarity of a situation.  I am not comfortable used as a woman on the side or a second option, not saying that options can't be in the picture, but when I am not sure of where my standing is options are more than options.  They may be opportunities or more so functions in the life of someone that I would like to be a function or answer for.

Levels of Consciousness Part 2: Knowing Your Level

It's important to be aware that though others may not be as aware as you are, they may have an awareness, and also, as some may be more aware than you, they have a right to know and be conscious at their own level.

Because one can always go deeper, we are all at a level of consciousness.  I recently became aware that some people feel that they are conscious (in their own superficial action), however, due to their superficial actions their consciousness is lacking. 

This is because when one decides to claim the title of "conscious" there is an expectation of action behind that title.  I am understanding it more that as a woman that claims to be a "feminist", in my understanding of feminist, what I am claiming is a level of "conscious feminine awareness, action, and thought."  Meaning, that as a woman, I have expectations of respect and level publicly.  I expect to be treated by every man as he would treat his "fellow man", aware that I have opinions, thoughts, and functions as a fellow man.  I expect a man that would know me professionally (at any capacity) to make a conscious effort to not demean me because of my sex.  This includes NOT using terms such as:  Sweetie, girl, honey, babygirl, etc.  As I would not go into a man's office and say "What's good boy"?  Or "How are you today, little bit?"

Because I have this expectation of a certain amount of respect I am put off when a man feels that he has the "right" to refer to me as any of the above, since, there is an expectation that I would not assume such toward him. 

This relates back to one's level of consciousness because awareness of one's own level and it's reflection on how others are seen is quite relevant in understanding one's place in the universe. 

When an individual claims to be "conscious" or aware of the world and universe around and within them there is a responsibility that comes with it (analogous to an adult aware that he/she is an adult).  That person then becomes responsible for their community and environment in a way that they he/she may not have been when he/she was not an adult. 

These expectations are innerstanding that the world around him/her is distributing values to inhabitants of it in a way that is diminishing toward some and over exaggerated to others.  This is illistruatative through race, finances, and even within race and within financial differences.  When one becomes aware of such values it is the individual's right and responsibility to bring what level of understanding he or she can to the injustice.

This is why it is important to respect levels of consciousness because with education come responsibility.

The Fruit of me

I woke up in the morning thinking about you, thinking about 


time with you and having a deep and intellectual 


conversation with you. 


Infatuated with the way that you made my feelings and expression 


significant to me.  Deeply and madly in love with me.  Who I was 


allowed to be with you.  Through you, to know and relate to that 


version of you.   I was really me.  The me that I denied and lied 


about for years.  I was the smarter, better, tougher, and most 


valuable me.  You made me see me.  You made me be me.  You 


made me ME


It was the me that I loved when you looked at me.  Loving you 


allowed me to love me, the real me, the genuine, lovely, kind, sexy, 


triumphant, yeah men keep trying to stomp stop and steal me, but 


my heart is triumphant to love me and love again and again until I 


get it right.  I was allowed to let loose get loose and free because I 


had you who understood me.


All I wanted was for you to love me, to think of me and serve me as 


I think of you.  As I serve you and do as you ask of me for you.  I 


just wanted to be the woman that I could be to you, for you, because 


that is what you meant to me, because you used your key to unlock 


the depth and truth of me.  I let you into my heart because you used 


your key to my vulnerability, which was truly strength of me.


You took my key, but unlike other men, you took my key and 


opened up my capabilities, you opened me and then exposed me to 


the world.  But that’s what’s so great about me, because I took that 


exposure and turned it into limitless opportunity, strengthening my 


ability, infinite possibilities with my mental capacity and physical 


need to be free.


I moved liberated in my sexuality embracing my sensuality releasing 


my lioness for everyone to see.


You were proof that everything does come after z, and now I am 


living free to be.

Levels of Consciousness: Understanding consciouness... (Part 1)

In my time in the conscious circle I have stumbled into, I have realized that there are levels of conciousness. I have noticed this, but today it officially dawned on me that conciousness (like any other natural need) has it's own tiers.  Which is why there are conscious people that can do "unconscious" shit (that's probably a reason for some of the public disagreements of the conscious realm).  It is highly important to note, that Love also has tiers which is why relationships can change, grow, and take on different forms (because they don't really ever end).  When a human is allowed to be loved, there is a connection that is unique to that human made to that person, place, or thing.

I didn't get it at first, but as time has progressed and I have moved through circles, I have realized that some can be more effective when choosing a level of understanding, and others can be most effective when searching for pure knowledge and sharing on their journey.  It's the difference between being a student of life, and having a specialization.  Some people can share more easily focusing on one thing, than on everything.

I now innerstand the growth that takes place when one decides to accept Christ, and I see the lack of clarity and stagnation of growth that takes when He is not accepted (this is not a Christian emphasized post, this is however a relevant observation).  Since I have innerstood God, my value for what I know in life means much more than material items.  "Fitting in" was something I gave up on a looong time ago, and now, "fitting me" is my most focused value.

It is important to me to break down how I innerstand the levels of Consciousness because I have seen much confusion, and possibly a lot of discouragement due to the amount of awareness that is created when one truly steps into the world of the "Red pill".  I have a responsibility to anyone that chooses to listen to my words to encourage growth and development as well as true innerstanding of self.   In the End, when our people become better, our children will be better, and that is what matters most!

Serenity to all!

To the Femcees

I just came in from Miz Korona's video shoot for "Bummer" and it was AMAZING! I have not been so impressed with the amount of energy that an artist can pour into their work lately.  This was definitely a mind altering experience. 

I became re-aquainted with the drive that I was introduced to in April.  Miz Korona, Miz Jes, and Mz. Jonz have all supplied me with a vision of what paving a road looks like.  DC, and Ms. Chyna D have given not only a face to the current road that a femcee has to travel, but they have given it a title and even a class.  This class of artist is a warrior as well as the castle she guards.  There is pain in her struggle as well as healing.  Loss and triumph.  There is a series in Kalamazoo called Blood, Sweat, and Tears, and all of these women have allowed me to see that we all have had to "put up or shut up" in different parts of our lives, and that is our art.

As an artist establishing myself, it is not an easy task to open up to people that may judge me for my lack of "swagger" or my mannerisms may be too "____"(you can fill in the blank), but I know what putting hard work into ones ability to express is, and I know what it's like to have a story to tell, but not be able to tell it in a certain way. 

I wanted to take this time to thank all of the Femcees of the past, present, and future for continuing to breathe new life and new forms into Hip Hop, making this culture strong enough to withstand the abuse of mainstream and the misunderstanding of much of the world around it.  I also wanted to take the time to also note that it's the women that made Hip Hop the source of power that it is for the blaq community.  Women and all.  It's women that use this avenue so strongly for conscious empowering messages! Yes men do too, sometimes, but it's the women that talk about "getting their own" "being met halfway" and "doing their own thing".  Yes, we have had women that have had some very negative messages, but REAL Hip Hop is about reclaiming who you are as a person.  So this is a thank you and an annoucement of what to look for when looking for great!!

Being (God's Love)

A listening ear
Serene in presence

Soft words
peace
Rest my heart
Messaging
Spiritual
soothing
reassuring
Silk
Drip through my mind

Still
Tell me

Whisper softly
Gently

I am not alone
No fear
Thoughts are true
My heart
You understand
Silence

You void sadness
worry

My smile touches you
Even when only within
My cares are true

As you created me
Meaningful
Selfless

Me
different

Redefined
Well defined
Undefined

Me
A woman
A world
An unexplained universe


Your truth
Your being
Your hesitations
Rejuvenate my spirit
Your trust
Eloquent nature

My passion
Open
to
for
through sharing
The softness of my gentle pillow

The gentle softness of my pillow

My gentle pillow’s softness
A strong foundation of love
Here for understanding

Acceptance
Open-mindedness
non judgment

As you made me
Woman as you made me
Woman in your image

Woman as love
©  Phire Free2011

Hearts/Suicide

I wrote a collection of my poetry in which I am planning on finding 3 or 4 women that would like to perform them and give them life in front of an audience.  Because of this intention with my show, I also have pieces that I would only do audibly that are separate from the show.  In other words, I don't perform any of my (shows)  collection of poems any more because I don't want to bore those that would support my show.  However, now I am thinking that.... I can put some of them here on the blog, and I am planning a large event, I can put some of them within there to pin point certain things.

Things are falling together nicely.  Here is a piece called Hearts/Suicide:

My heart exists in a realm of pain, inner dark, screeching secrets,

subtle lights, flashing safe warning signs. 

Beating once to acknowledge its own existence, beats multiple times to move closer to its long awaited end. 

Agonizing over interactions with overwhelmingly over estimations of others.  

My life exists somewhere lost in optimistic shadows looming in from an unacknowledged past. 

Through love I experience intense hatred, fueled by productive fears, sorrows frighten my gentle nature, migrating my soul deeply into spiritual limbo, I know who I live for and where I fight. 

Hands grab at me from every side, my conscious devours my ability to self nurture, I am meaningless in this world, obsolete like the letter “Q”. 

My passion exists in a world of limiting possibilities and lack of care.  Loving for others who don’t love themselves enough to care.

My lust relieves my frustrations, now as a woman able to mold and control my chastity.

Slowed by my lost connection with strength, my sensual sexuality because I’m broken,

Cut

At  the sources of my sensitivity by a world so cold controlled by men, identifying themselves as “care takers”, “lovers”, and “friends”. 

Judgmental hatred

Cut like shards of glass, close-minded belittling forcing me down, loving my femininity into self loathing lifelessness

Arrogant ignorance betraying understanding, transforming love into lost uselesness

Cut

Where sensation is most vivid, I listen to women explore themselves, life of gentle goodness rises shining inside their soft vulnerability

Tortured through dead womb sharp needles still, bludgeoning anything daring to pass between my legs, killing shining star of any person brave enough to chance a connection

Slowly strangling signs of vitality out of positive welcoming goodness, awaiting end of this

Masochistic realm, cutting me into skinned welted bits, swollen, open from repeating hits

Turned into stabb wounds, finished off by fire burning, last of my life to its long awaited end.



Under-estimation is more than offensive....

People often assume me to be naive, but what they don't know is that I quietly observe them.  My sweetness is my decision.  Instead of being bitter, mean, rude, self-pitying, self-righteous, or just plain judgemental.  I have chosen to be nice and understanding.  Openminded and honest is the best way I have learned to cope with the trials and tribulations of my life. 

Coming out into a world where I was made to feel worthless and helpless I am beginning to innerstand that those that made me feel that way were projecting their issues on me.  I have value and I have worth.

Most recently, I met a man that took a liking to me, but it was due to his own ego.  He liked my sweet sensibility and he was probably more turned on by what seemed to be my soft childlike naivety, than my interest in growing and gaining as a person.  After he began to realize that I can get and understand different concepts, he began to distance himself from me.  What a man... 

In my understanding as a woman, I had become so attached, and was so desperate for a man's affection,  that for me he was a door that opened  parts of me and allowed me to explore parts of myself that I had to shut off when my dad died.  He was my muse, he allowed me to open like a book and then begin to turn my old, worn down, seasoned pages into a story, that had emotions and life.  He was fresh air, like new skin after a chemical peel.  He was my youth, my new outlook, he was a new voice that I was able to speak freely and freshly.  I loved him. 

Until I realized, that though for me he was the wormhole into my own dimension, for him, I was some lowly "trick" to use as he pleased. 

My desperation as a woman is what fooled me into believing that to him maybe I was a friend, nothing serious, but familiar and trustworthy. NO! For him, I was something he could brag to his friends about and talk about what I could be (to them) when he decided he was done with me.  See, for him I was a meal.  What I didn't know is that he told his friends, when he had had enough, they could have "their share". 

At this point to me, this no good lying ass manipulative (because he told me he was looking for a soulmate), conscienceless, two bit, asshole is the equivalent of the shit that has crusted over and become white on dog doo (Yes, he is the crusty white dog shit).

Thus, I know my worth.  Any man that can see the gift of who I am and only wants to destroy it deserves the hell he gets for trying to add more pain and devastation to my story.  I also now understand that there is nothing wrong with taking time for myself and telling men that may be interested, "no".   

I don't have to feel like a man taking interest in me is him "doing me a favor", or I am soooo lucky because "A man sees a companion in me".  I now know that a man is fortunate if I can see a companion in him, because too many times they are not fit to hold my hand.

A muse, is nice, but my new understanding and sense of worth/ wealth is soooo much better, so thanks dude, you can officially suck it!

Bull shit

I am so miserable and angry... Why???  Is there a reason?  Does this anger have purpose?  Am I just cranky, or hormonal, or just irate???

I am back at my place of childhood.  Recognizing that "You can't go home again" is a reality that I am now fully aware of.  There are many parts of being a woman that are great, growing to understand your strength, your independence, the truth behind who you are.  I am so blessed to be a woman.  Now, only to be back in a place that I have not had to be in in over 8 years.  However, it's much much worse now.  Since the beginning of this year, I have been understanding and re-establishing my adulthood, because my 5+ year relationship ending made me have to rethink where I stand as a complete person. 

I have recognized that I have many times and in many ways been unacknowledged as a person among those that speak the words "I love you" to me.  It began during my engagement, when I realized that "I love you" was used as a form of manipulation to get me to bow gracefully and acquiese at his demands.  While he enjoyed his full weekends and days off, I was working multiple jobs and going to school full time, while going 7 days a week and not having time off. 

I was expected to plan the wedding that I didn't want.  I didn't want the timeslot, or the amount of people, I didn't want the overly large wedding party or the overly large reception.  I, however, was expected to plan it all, and make sure that what he wanted was included.  Hello!?! It was ALL WHAT HE WANTED!!!  He wanted the 14 person wedding party, he wanted the large wedding with at 150 people, he wanted the minimal of 200 mouths to feed during the reception.  He wanted the "Crystal Ballroom" and the reception hall no one would ever forget.  I loved it and if it was what he wanted, I would make sure he got it, but what did I want?

I wanted a dainty hippie wedding, at night, under the stars and moon.  With candle light ushering us out into our reception hall. I wanted just our close loved ones standing around and wishing us well wishes of love and support in a "love circle" and then us reading words of love and reverence to eachother as we held hands in front of the water and gazed into eachother's eyes under the night stars.  I wanted to go to a reception hall that then would have the "pomp and circumstance" with his alcoholic dysfunctional relatives drinking and carrying on as the alcohol was distributed and I got to run around and take pictures with people "so happy to be there"  but.... when he began to use my devotion against me, I left his ass!  That shit is unacceptable.

There is no reason why a person's hair should fall out after being braided for less than a month. 

When 2010 ended I vowed to myself the next serious relationship will be authentic and it will not be abusive.

I decided to change, to be a person that would not let that happen to me ever again.  To not EVER allow my children (if I ever have them) to know the cycle of abuse.  They will have a HEALTHY BEAUTIFUL upbringing that will nourish, acknowledge, support, and encourage them.

I am angry because I have decided to do this for my children since I was 10.  My children would not know a man like my dad, because he died and I am NOT resurrecting that ghost.  Whatever issues of my mother that I have carried with me need to DIE, because those are not worth years of trauma, pain, or constant self doubt.  It all needs to go.

So why in the Hell am I back in this place of old memories and dysfunctional male/female romantic relationships? 

I can clearly see that crazy upon crazy does not balance crazy when it attracts crazy! In fact, crazy only creates crazy and then crazy is an environment of unstable craziness!!! I am so fucking sick and fucking tired of fucking CRAZY!!!  Maurices crazy ass had the nerve to call me crazy and then continue talking to me, like I wanted to have a conversation.  "Bitch, that's why I blocked you!" Crazy don't live here no mo! So I'mma need these crazy muah fuckas to find some new shit to do, because I don't get like that, and as far as my crazy ass kin.... She gon know.  I can't do this no moe!!!  This is some bullshit that churns my stomach and I will not be vomiting, stressed, depressed, and miserable because she wants to keep her crazy! Her and her crazy can hold each other at night when I am not here, but while I am here, I will be acknowledged and it will be understood, that crazy is a mutha fuckin minimum!!!!

Ole bullshit ass bull SHIT!!

Wepts/ Tears

My woman is dying, she cries out at all times of day... and night.  Screaming for life, searching for truth.  With enough strength to  see her... past my surface.

Understanding vulnerability, a mountain, not  judging or planting  weeds where flowers grow.  Pulling weeds creates Stone where there was once life that breathed.

My woman cries out for glory, light where darkness has prevailed.  Triumph where many have fallen.  Short quick attempts at life have created an inner starvation.  Grasping for air, she claws with her bare hands. Opportunity to see a better anything; a better man, a better lover, a better person.

My woman is found, searching to be found.  Screaming to be seen; completed.

Giving herself  to less deserving.  Sacrificing many needs for one need.  Forgiving mindlessness.  Understanding insanity.

I am a starving malnourished need for appreciation.  My break lasts from my birth throughout  my decades. 



I was born a wound, open broken flesh never healed.  Born a knife wound to a half dead, beaten, broken, body.  Life is a burden.

Wounds constantly scraped, incapable of scabbing over.  Slits welt, tears become infected oozing with desperation to know healing.

Malnourished need for appreciation; I starve.  Broken since birth.  Where is value when abusers and oppressors are more important to your birther than you are?

I am a woman.  I am a little girl.  I am a child.

My soul sobs at night for a caretaker, who may see my mountains flowers and plant trees.

Recognize where weeds have become pulled and plant love... possibly removing Stone.  Creating live where hardness and cold, dead weight took over.

Breathing life into soul where mountain hardness and death have made home.

Hoping one day God will provide clarity of my fire and why my heart has to unravel.  My mind has to begin unpeeling itself for my life to be validated.

My soul howls through my days and night to know peace.

Is that why I strive to so hard to give it to others?

I am a welted scabbed, bruised, broken, beaten, mangled creature.  I can not call myself human because human's are beautiful. 

I am pain, anger, devastation, and abuse.  There is nothing beautiful about the walking dead but their death.

Until peace can rise, I cry.

Phire Free © 2011

When Women Walked the Earth

When women walked the Earth

Her figure was Soft Curves

Now a dream

beautiful, Radiant, Skin sensuous, velvet

She knew culture, music, art

walked , her feet companion to the ground

Gentle movement

Mental inspirational 

Her worth  unlimited, She understood values

Motherhood 

Sisterhood 

She was sincerity 

Her children didn't value  her

Her husband saw her as a tool

Men looked upon her longingly,

Lacking their own meaning

Unidentified in their own self worth

Her perfection was imperfect

Her pleasure was in service

Men now, lost, empty, worthless, tearful

Men, labor, yearning for deep clarity

Striving for authenticity, searching for vulnerability

Wishing to rewrite history

Men dying inwardly and outwardly daily

Missing connection, robbed of expression

Existence is oppression

The world is now dull, infertile

Humanity is destined  to cease

Faith a memory, love,

Hatred in a universal suit

Wars  have ended, freedom,

Alive, thriving,

Peace

a long awaited loss

Wealth, no longer aspiration,

Science no longer inspiration,

Family no longer motivation

Earth is silent lack of care

Life tease to those it bears

result is humanity's fare

Every ones focus is a zone of unknown...

Because...

A true woman's worth has not been worn

Community has been ripped and torn

a child has not been born

Since a woman  has walked the Earth

 © 2011 Phire Free

Sexual element and elimination:

Last night it dawned on me... that my ex was not only a bad investment of my love, but he was also a horrible lover. 

As a woman, it is a man's place to understand his soul mate and to help her understand herself, especially in an area as intimate as the bedroom.  My ex not only did not help me understand myself in many ways, but he made me embarrassed of what I have to offer as a lover. 

Growing up as a child, intimate time alone was discouraged by the man I call "sperm donor" walking in closed doors, and accusing often when nothing was happening, which created a taboo of self exploration.  When I finally gave myself permission to engage in sexual exploration with men it was a time of true vulnerability for me, because emotions have not been allowed to connect to sex at all in my experiences. 

Because for years my body has been a place of pain, abuse, and constant degradation for me, I have been treating myself as such.  As a lover, I have taken time to understand the men that I have engaged with and learned them and what they like, but for myself, what I need has never been there.

When I discuss the need for an orgasm in my "Free-gasm" piece, I am discussing a part of me that I have been discouraged by many men from knowing.  I am explaining in simple terms the lover that I have yet to achieve because I have yet to have reached my own peak of sexual being.  Yes, I have gotten close once or twice, and that was unforgettable and spiritually expanding, but it's thinking about how much I took and didn't give that makes me feel as though I am limited when remembering those experiences.  It's taking the time to understand that in those situations, those men had to think outside of their own personal interest and think of MINE. 

My ex began to attack my sexual prowess not too far in.  He began to make me feel like a sexual inconvenience, as though, I was wrong for wanting it, and wrong for wanting to enjoy it to the fullest that I could.  Oral sex allowed me to release in way that I have never released before, I would quiver and jerk, squeak, scream, and quake at orgasm, while simultaneously exploding into a liquid orgasmic convulsing mess. 

Due to this amazing response, he stopped supplying oral sex to me.  He told me that when I came "it was messy."  This made me feel ashamed.  Ashamed to be a woman, ashamed as a lover, and ashamed that I had such a unique response to something so enjoyable.  So I stopped cumming to appease him.  I would orgasm, but nothing that I couldn't do by myself, and worse, holding in that much sexual energy really only meant that it was almost like not having sex at all. 

I have been slowly dying sexually, so much so, that now when I cum, even alone I feel embarrassed.  I only notice the negative of it.  Not that I was able to release all my muscles and sway into a spiritual alignment with the universe while meeting my body's ability to disperse and come together all at the same time, but instead I notice that it's wet and I get cold.  I have no reverence for my body's ability to lubricate and re-lubricate over and over again for hours, or my ability to continue throughout stages of sexual orgasm. 

I have a powerful and amazing  ability to connect with everything during sex, to see astros and cosmos, to taste life and being.  I have grounds that I become one with and planets that I reach while orbiting a star.  And all I can focus on is being quiet and eliminating the mess.

I need to be free of my sexual restraints and embrace my fire's sexual element.

Free-gasm

I need a re freshening
A resetting
A new perspective on life
I need an orgasm
An earth shattering
Dishes clattering
Ground breaking
Building shaking
Dogs barking
Howling
Neighbors complaining
Scowling
Preachers preaching
My lungs screaming
Vocal chords
Squeaking
Screeching
Head board pounding
Mach
Sounding
High pitched
Back breaking
Legs trembling
Lips quivering
Voice broken
Out right
Out spoken
Pleasing
Seizing
Squeezing
Spasm

I need myself
Lost
Space
Time
All in one
Spirit
Freely moving
Being exhaustion mind flowing
Senses blowing
Going ultimate speeds

Galaxy meets
Black hole
Together
Existing
Insisting
Assisting me
To my place
In space
In time
As I look

Finding my resources
New sources

As sun
Begins photosynthesis
My body
Reaches osmosis
As I cum excited to cum
Again
Over and over and over
Up and through
Friendly high
Quiet skies
I’m lost and found
At exact timing

My Taurus collides into your
Insert astrological sign here

As my ox submits to the subtleties of your mammal
My supernova
Explodes
Implodes
Sucking in your feeding planet
Taking you to the pyramids
As you awaken to
Berries
Champagne
New worlds of alternate
Universes
Seen through my completely opened
Eyes

I need a soul-gasm
My heart to God’s hand
As internally I explode
Lost placed exactly where I need to be
Diffused to sexual intimacy
Embracing my bodies capabilities

Moving
Liberated rusing through
Partial expansion
I am running
A leopard
Full speed through
Sahara
Safe to exist
My world of others like me

An elephant existing
In soft life bearing sun

A woman nurturing my child
No wars of children killing children
Elimination families

No HIV/Aids removing lines and lines
Of African Royalty

No white settlers raping
Robbing my land of
Gifts of beauty existent in
Large wealth
Pure perfection
Ancient

Free
Wild
Expansion
Biology
Understood through
Nature’s eyes

Now
A woman
Hunted
As that leopard
That elephant

Shot by the arrow of man
Who can’t think outside
Of himself
Must frame beauty
A still hanging
On his wall
Or worse
Suck nature out
Manufacturing to others
Removing my unique subtle purity

I am an unappreciated
Product
Reduced to limbs and a torso

My  insight
My intelligence
Worthless
Because my worth
Is in leanness of my BMI
And the ass I have to shake

My gift is in his superficial-gasm
Curve of his eye to next set of tight of jeans
Walking by

So alas
My need will be
Until the time
time expires
And my soul has been redeemed free


©  Phire Free2011

Sometimes we just have to realize....

He messaged me. There was nothing that I wanted to talk about said, so I steered the conversation.  He continued to contact me, but not give me what I want.  So gave him an honest assessment, in writing:  You are talker and you are repetitive so you talk a lot of shit, you probably talk circles around most.  You have an interest in politics so you probably lie convincingly, and you are not looking for anything serious, so you are just strolling like an alley cat or a " rolling stone". 

I realized that I was not getting what I wanted and instead of being the gentle ego stroking soul, I was honest and upfront.  His reaction made me feel bad, but that was because I was putting more into it than what was there. Yes, I hurt his ego, and yes, I was brutal in my honesty, but THAT is what he gave me to work with.  That was him, not me.  I need to stop taking on the feelings of others, and just take what I say as how I mean it.  I have been acquiescing for the comfort of men my whole life.  I never liked the man that donated the sperm for my birth, and yes he was there for 15 years of my life, but he was beating my mother, and beating me and my siblings.  His abuse was mental, emotional, and verbal.  As a baby, I never like him, and as a little girl, I didn't like him, either.  When I became old enough to begin to value our relationship I learned quickly to reconsider my feelings about things and then, his feelings became more important than mine, which became males were more important than me.

I have been living this form of life for many years, and I am now tired of the what it means for me.  I am now at the point that I have a right to live.  I have a right to enjoy things... like sex, and dating, and conversation without feeling like I need to compensate for something.  For what???  As a woman of distinction it is absolutely my right to walk away from a date, being done with a man, because 9 times out of 10, I taught him something. Or I offered a new perspective for him to see life differently.  Thus, it was a valuable exchange.

  However, this entire ordeal is not only on the man I call "sperm donor" this is also on the woman I call "maternal body".  If she explained to me that my value was simply in my existence, and that I would not have submit so easily to the underhandedness of any man, I would not have put such value in pond scum (men and women).  I would not be eliminating "friends" after years of abuse right now.  If this woman would have acknowledged her bias toward her son over both of her daughters then I would have been able to counter balance my intrinsic need for love with my extrinsic lack of value.

However, this was not done, so now I am spending my time of self discovery also discovering who has value in my life and who needs to leave.  I am also taking inventory of "blood" and seeing who is on the chopping block because I need to cleanse. My spirit has been polluted with the darkness of takers for too long.

To rid my life of these individuals I have completed steps one and two:

1) I have acknowledged and certified who they are.  These are the people that think of themselves and say they are thinking of you.  These are the people that say they are "happy for you", or may not say it, but through certain comments let it be known that they are unhappy with self and you remind them of that.  These are the people who are first to make sure that are you being picked up, so they know for sure that you are/were down. 

2) I begun weening them out and replacing them with healthier and more stable individuals.  I have found people that can empathize with me, and understand that even when they matter, I matter.  I have found people that will give what they have to make sure that I am okay.  I have found love in a form of selflessness.

The next steps is to complete my process in life and while I'm at it move away from the negative, angry, and unhealthy energy.  It can not do anything but slow me down. 

3) Progress... keep moving forward and upward.  Not allowing weight to pull or slow me down.

Sometimes you just have to realize... when and how to get away from those that don't mean any good.