Soul Searchin'

Night sky falls background my heart pounds.  Lost in war of men on women and women on men good only find bad and  bad only find the worst, so fine tuning into something better is not only difficult, but constantly being opposed and growing less and less likely. 

 I look at you, stuck between the ability to elevate and grow, or be turned into more of a skeptic by what outsiders looking in have described to me as a situation that can only end badly.

But I can’t hold you to their standards; I can only hold you to your own.  Fruit that you planted in me, is growing, feeding others, making ways where there were once dead ends.  Giving meals where people were once starving. 

You completely unaware of what you’ve done, or how you've done it.  I wonder if you care that you left an impression at all, besides the small grooves I know you would like to make in my womb.

Ultimately, I cannot continue to let my hopes for what you may want to be continue to allow me to grow increasingly toxic, for you and everyone that would like to be a man in my life, I am obligated to be a positive force repelling constant negativity trying to destroy our people.  My people.  Your people.  I pray to God a man that walks in solid shoes can plant a tree of knowledge in me that would create a space for me to grow past the constant days lacking in exchange.  My loss of masculine security and strength. 

I don’t know what a good blaq man looks like, I have heard of them, but for me a good blaq man is a myth, like a dragon, or a mermaid.  I know that I owe it to the man that will be the man I need him to be not to let the actions of your hatred char me into a man-hating storm that will destroy the next African-American brother willing to step into African-American Masculine maturity for my sake.

When we are hot, we can warm each other’s cold nights of insomnia and infinite energy creating our own island that exists only as a mattress saturated with your sweat and my outpouring feminine essence.  Exploding over and over again in passionate ardent lust and laughter from quips.  Exchanged and understood only through humor and gentle open-ness. 

This climactic climate that allows for me to open and grow within you, creating in me a liberty and foundation I have never been so open to obtaining sustaining this climate only created when I have your manly essence of old books and sprightly intent that creates warmth where I was once cold.

But when you are cold, when you are cold… I become a fire of unbridled loose energy freely scattering no appropriate direction.  Not only wanting to be used on your erection or manifestation of your love through sensual moments and gentility, I would like to be conducted like electricity, working for the bigger space to create space for those of us that need to understand that space and time is a friend. 

Growing warmth, renewable energy, and genuine human softness is raw a beginning to growing to newer better heights withstanding painful revolution of change within reflected without by those that watch us grow.  My hearts content on whether you choose to come with me this time “no”  is no longer going to suffice.  No is not an answer that you can give, you can only choose which direction “yes” will take you in.

You are cold, I am affected by not only the laws of inertia but the laws of lost and untamed love, full of fulfillment yet thawed and re-frozen by carelessness and hostile agitation.  You call yoself Osiris but Yo Isis is where yo Eyes is. You talk about your soul mate but I am where yo mind is.   I'm lookin' you in your eyes, so with truth is where mine is.

It is peace in you that ignites the fight in me, but you are not my enemy, you are my only ally and I should be fighting my true enemy not my lover that you clumsily stumbled on being in my life.  Why does this have to be such a battle?  Why can’t you just fight your learned instincts of barriers and embrace my re-programming of opening up?

In the end this battle needs to end, our soul searchin’ needs to end, because if we both lose a lover if we both lose each other then we both lose the opportunity to understand and offer an example of Blaq love.

© Phire Free 2012

Jesus bless us, Times are hard. (Detroit)

I have an obligation to Detroit.  I love the city and it is hurting me to hear all of the things that are happening.  Even though I am hearing great things are also happening.  I feel powerless to one extent because I want to be in the City, working with youth and walking with young women that feel as though their only options right now are to sell their body, or "hustle" in ways worth much more than any money they will ever make.  Discussing true genocide with young men and growing understanding in how dangerous the lie of this economy really is.  I want to be there and share this information and this knowledge.

I however am a student, and I believe it is a strong mentality that "Don't take money advice from those that don't have any" thus, I feel as though I can't say anything.  I also have a strong distaste for those that look like they have money, but are one paycheck away from losing their footing.  This is an epidemic.

Somehow, the African experience has been watered down and mashed into an unrealistic understanding of "money = power".  This is false, money is not equivalent to power in the African culture, money can add to the power that one has already, but if that power if forfeited before the age of knowledge, then what is the use?

I bring this up because there is a limited understanding of the power that is taken from the African-American community.  We conceive and bare our children in a European-American way, with lack of regard of how our children will be effected by our actions, and lack of support for our children when they are born, and then we put them in schools with a European-American based "mindset" or "curriculum" telling them how to think about things, and watering down the essence of their lives to basic minute concepts that are so (for lack of a better word) "simplistic" that often times the thought process is "It can't be that easy".

The significance of this is powerful, as a community, we have to think so far ahead that our children are brought back when they begin Kindergarten, basically needing to retrain themselves to think like "everyone else", we are not everyone else.  When reflecting on this it is important for those of us in the midwest to remember that the rest of the country does not think like us.  Our children and families need exposure to the rest of the country, and definitely the rest of world when able.  What does this have to do with Detroit??

When Detroit is all that we know and the people fail it as we did when Kwame Kilpatrick was voted into office, and when the State of Michigan allowed Engler in for another term (which effected the whole state, but definitely did not help Detroit), and like now, when our people are hurting and fighting a battle against oppressive Michigan government, how are we going to feel about ourselves?  Not like we can make difference.  Not like there is anything that we can do to make this situation any better.  Definitely, not like there is somewhere that we can go, or that we want to go.  It's time for those of us that can begin to organize to make the conscious choice to act on the behalf of those that can not act for themselves and make a stand.

"Healing the Heart" is an artistic movement making a statement about the oppressive racism in Michigan, Detroit is the base, but I would ultimately like to have a Statewide movement.  If anyone is an artist in any way and would like to contribute to a citywide statement on the racism in Detroit and the Metro-Detroit area please...Please PLEASE let me know and contact me via facebook, twitter, and if you have it my g-mail.  It is VERY IMPORTANT TO ME that we at least try to take a stand and make a statement that reflects our view of racism in our community.

Awwww Hell.... I'm the Queen Bee in this Bi*ch (Part 2)

When he called her his "queen", I died.  My heart stopped and my ears clogged and there was no world around me, because as much as I had grown and changed, I was not evolved enough for the name that I had been given.  At least not to see it worn by someone else.

I have earned my life, I have worked through being unwanted and unloved.  I continue to love through constant challenge and insistent judgment.  I have climbed out of manholes to hold myself up and gain enough strength to keep going, but to see that I have put in effort to give creative space, and offer open-minded acceptance.  He called her his queen


I don't know what he put her through but I know that I didn't cry after getting "I miss u" text messages at 5:00am, and dread not texting or calling him on his birthday, or listen to songs thinking about the time that I could be spending with someone who would understand me to see some "Other" woman be called his queen.


I know that I am a phenomenal woman, and now I know that I want a love like my grand-parents.  I want a man that may make mistakes, and do stupid things sometimes, and have ridiculous reactions to things at times or may not be completely self aware all the time, but knows that he loves me and understands that my crazy exists, but so does my little girl.  I want a man that can see that though I may be bitching and whining (or in my case lashing out) about something small or insignificant; when he looks at me, and tells me to "calm down" or "be easy" he knows that he's speaking to a little girl who has had to fight people twice her size to prove fit for her own survival.  That may be "Scathing" with her words, but is only saying "I'm frightened" or "I'm hurting" or "hold me".  I know that I have been angry, and boisterous, throughout this whole process because I'm so inspired and so challenged, uninhibited and free.  I am also so ignored and left unacknowledged.  Unfed and left wanting.  So much time for others, and so little for me.  


"I'm sorry" is not going to erase the amount of awkward oddness that I have placed into the universe, it won't delete the horrible, unquestionable honesty that I put in a tweet, it won't undo the disrespect that I lashed out at maximum capacity in any way, but it has allowed me to see that I hurt, and in turn I hurt others.  I let my emotions take control of my judgment and I have been and am going to be up all night crying into my pillow, wondering how human do I have to become before I accept that I am not superwoman.  Before I recognize that like any person, I can think irrationally and act out of passion and hurt and anger.  At what point will I realize that I can meet many standards, but my own are too high.

In the end, I am truly sorry.

Awwww Hell.... I'm the Queen Bee in this Bi*ch (Part 1)

The man I love told me that he loves me this weekend.  I responded with a basic stage of grief...Denial.  I recognized that I have been put through the trials of understanding our relationship since the beginning.  Understanding myself for the sake of a man that I believe that could be the yin to my yang, or the solution to my equation.  Better still, the Martin to my Malcolm.  

It's this solid intellectual understanding that made me decide years ago that I would NEVER let a man prove me crazy, life could prove me crazy, family could prove me crazy, hell.... school is my source of crazy, but a man would NEVER make me lose the "bit of sense" that I have allowed myself to gather over the years.  Since he has come into my life, I have accused of him of poisoning me, lost myself on the freeway (creating a wild scene and running partially into the woods), and wild'n out on twitter.

Not saying that this is not one side of a two sided coin.  I have also had to work through issues with my best friend because he hit on her, and I have had to depend on different strangers for kindness because he has left me ass-ed out without a place to stay on 2 different occasions.  However, when I knew that he was in personal crisis, I reached out to him and gave myself as much as possible to let him know that I was there.  I have made effort to be available for him when he is or does want to be attentive.  I have taken this time to learn to love myself to be able to tell him, when he asks, how to love me. 

All this being said and recognized, he told me that he loves me this weekend.  I responded with.... Denial.  To add to the entire misconstrue of my mind, I have moved to a place where we are okay as we are, not moving anywhere but cycling through a stagnant, painful, situation that I have felt that he doesn't want to change, so I distance myself until I run into him again and then we entertain our yins and yangs... through thought and processing, understanding that is as infinite as numbers, yet as limited as the letter o.

There was a time when no matter how crazy life around me got, I could always stay solid and strong.  Unquestionably rooted and unmovable.  This summer, I was the stability in the lives of so many, and I have been able to keep my focus and my drive through the insanity of the world collapsing around me, but it took a man for me to not only lose my footing but a sense of myself.  It was not long ago that I was confronted in the bathroom by a friend, of a man friend, that I had allowed to be an associate in my life.  She "checked" me for  simply walking down the hall with him (and if he told her anything else, he didn't tell me.).  I was appalled and quite livid, I am too old and too grown for some little two bit Yorkie to be barking up my Lioness.  I took it to him.  And now, I had found myself, in my own satirical way, walking up on another woman, but this time not to "mark my territory" but to get clarity of a situation.  I am not comfortable used as a woman on the side or a second option, not saying that options can't be in the picture, but when I am not sure of where my standing is options are more than options.  They may be opportunities or more so functions in the life of someone that I would like to be a function or answer for.

Levels of Consciousness Part 2: Knowing Your Level

It's important to be aware that though others may not be as aware as you are, they may have an awareness, and also, as some may be more aware than you, they have a right to know and be conscious at their own level.

Because one can always go deeper, we are all at a level of consciousness.  I recently became aware that some people feel that they are conscious (in their own superficial action), however, due to their superficial actions their consciousness is lacking. 

This is because when one decides to claim the title of "conscious" there is an expectation of action behind that title.  I am understanding it more that as a woman that claims to be a "feminist", in my understanding of feminist, what I am claiming is a level of "conscious feminine awareness, action, and thought."  Meaning, that as a woman, I have expectations of respect and level publicly.  I expect to be treated by every man as he would treat his "fellow man", aware that I have opinions, thoughts, and functions as a fellow man.  I expect a man that would know me professionally (at any capacity) to make a conscious effort to not demean me because of my sex.  This includes NOT using terms such as:  Sweetie, girl, honey, babygirl, etc.  As I would not go into a man's office and say "What's good boy"?  Or "How are you today, little bit?"

Because I have this expectation of a certain amount of respect I am put off when a man feels that he has the "right" to refer to me as any of the above, since, there is an expectation that I would not assume such toward him. 

This relates back to one's level of consciousness because awareness of one's own level and it's reflection on how others are seen is quite relevant in understanding one's place in the universe. 

When an individual claims to be "conscious" or aware of the world and universe around and within them there is a responsibility that comes with it (analogous to an adult aware that he/she is an adult).  That person then becomes responsible for their community and environment in a way that they he/she may not have been when he/she was not an adult. 

These expectations are innerstanding that the world around him/her is distributing values to inhabitants of it in a way that is diminishing toward some and over exaggerated to others.  This is illistruatative through race, finances, and even within race and within financial differences.  When one becomes aware of such values it is the individual's right and responsibility to bring what level of understanding he or she can to the injustice.

This is why it is important to respect levels of consciousness because with education come responsibility.

The Fruit of me

I woke up in the morning thinking about you, thinking about 


time with you and having a deep and intellectual 


conversation with you. 


Infatuated with the way that you made my feelings and expression 


significant to me.  Deeply and madly in love with me.  Who I was 


allowed to be with you.  Through you, to know and relate to that 


version of you.   I was really me.  The me that I denied and lied 


about for years.  I was the smarter, better, tougher, and most 


valuable me.  You made me see me.  You made me be me.  You 


made me ME


It was the me that I loved when you looked at me.  Loving you 


allowed me to love me, the real me, the genuine, lovely, kind, sexy, 


triumphant, yeah men keep trying to stomp stop and steal me, but 


my heart is triumphant to love me and love again and again until I 


get it right.  I was allowed to let loose get loose and free because I 


had you who understood me.


All I wanted was for you to love me, to think of me and serve me as 


I think of you.  As I serve you and do as you ask of me for you.  I 


just wanted to be the woman that I could be to you, for you, because 


that is what you meant to me, because you used your key to unlock 


the depth and truth of me.  I let you into my heart because you used 


your key to my vulnerability, which was truly strength of me.


You took my key, but unlike other men, you took my key and 


opened up my capabilities, you opened me and then exposed me to 


the world.  But that’s what’s so great about me, because I took that 


exposure and turned it into limitless opportunity, strengthening my 


ability, infinite possibilities with my mental capacity and physical 


need to be free.


I moved liberated in my sexuality embracing my sensuality releasing 


my lioness for everyone to see.


You were proof that everything does come after z, and now I am 


living free to be.