If anyone follows any of my social media I have an Instagram account @FreePhire, which has followed me through the last two years of my life. As this blog references, I began this written journey in the middle of a transition. I was transitioning from a youth to an adult, from a girl to a woman, from a fragile weak thinker to a strong, black active speaker.
I have been transitioning from a lady to a wife. It has included many different changes that I am unsure about, with little sensitivity and curious as to what's next for "us" in our life. When I started writing about what dating and falling in love was like, I was in love with being "in love". In fact the constant ups and downs are what drove me to continue to look for the same senseless drama. When I finally fell in love. True, gentle, angry, love, it wasn't a sucker punch, it wasn't even a sneak attack. I will admit, I did not see him coming. I didn't see any of it coming.
He was young and un-established, beginning a professional career. He was not superficial about his clothing, in fact he was functional. He was an "It fits and it's clean, I can wear it" type of guy. He was anxious and his voice would shake when he spoke to me. It was completely awkward and I liked the fact that there was no pressure, except whenever he opened his mouth. He would tell a horrible joke that was so bad, all I could do is stare and say "that wasn't funny." I hated that something about this person made me a "horrid bitch." I didn't know why I became this person with him. I was so raw and unfiltered. Not calculated and pre-meditated like with the other guys. He was cool, but man, what the hell was wrong with me? Why did he shake so much, and why was he so damn anxious? And wtf would make him want to do this any more!? I was anxious and I had just vowed to myself that I wasn't going to let it happen any more, NO MORE ANXIETY!
I let him know, and we decided to "hang-out".
It was such a disaster, the whole evening was a disaster. First we couldn't find a place to meet. It was supposed to be the mall, then a light bulb chimed on while I was driving that explained so clearly that, "I don't know where the mall is!", then, I suggested the one place that I did know, which I was late to, due to traffic and parking. When we did finally meet, he gets called out by his dad, because his family is at the table directly behind us. I know, I spoke about this before because it's been so pivotal over the last few years. That was the day I met my husband's parents and just like my relationship with them right now, it was intrusive, overstepping established boundaries, and lacking respect for his ability to exert his own independence. I was so annoyed.
If things couldn't get any worse, we went to an event that had an "ex" of sorts present, and a "possible" (a guy that I had previously 'sized up' and realized that he wasn't going to work for me) who was a feature that night, and here I am, walking in with my younger, "fashionably functional" new beau feeling truly exposed because all three of them, two different area codes, three different stages of my life, two established poets, and me all in a space that felt like it was 2 sq ft. I couldn't have been more ready to go, but I decided that I was going to support those that traveled and engage in this activity, supporting what I stand for in more ways than one. I performed my piece, gave my donation, bought myself a drink, and pretty much made the best of it. "Cheers! To this awful experience."
To add insult to injury, all that masculinity and testosterone in one room, I was caught with a dilemma when my new beau left the event early, and I had no one to walk me to my car, so I had to deal with the bros walking behind me drunk and talking loud and reckless, while I walked alone down a dark street. It was also up to me to deal with the random man that felt completely comfortable, walking up on me late at night in an area that I didn't know well, on my own. Since he didn't have the respect to keep his distance, and purposely blocked my pathway to my car, I politely stepped out of his way and said "excuse me, I have to go!" In a tone that I know sounded truly irritated, I decided that this was the last straw. I knew this wasn't going to happen again.
I was once again reminded that I was continuously going out of my way, and not finding any respect that I deserved, while minimizing myself for the comfort of the incapable.
Except, I was wrong.
The poets, yeah, they were incapable for me. They were and still are two of the most egotistical, arrogant human beings that I have ever encountered in my life. My admiration for them was a reflection of how I refused to see myself, and I chose to find what I considered "goodness" in their ways of being, instead of respecting the integrity and strength in my own.
I didn't know better because I didn't see myself as better, but my now husband, and then "new beau" was the beginning of a new life. He saw me as beautiful, and caring. He put himself through the anxiety of seeing me and spending time with me, because he looked at me through admiration. He went to the event with a bunch of people he didn't know and watched me perform. He kept in touch with me, and kept asking me out. He made plans to spend time with me, and he went above and beyond to establish a relationship. That night he left early so he could get up for work in the morning. He moved on to a better job, and he began to establish his career. After I told him that I don't "pay for myself on dates." He took me out. I almost cut him loose, and he not only validated my value, but reinforced my frustration and gave me his heart. My transition isn't over, but my soul searchin' has ended and my ending is not the one I hoped for, but it's definitely better than the one I envisioned.
For the last two years, I have seen life from the perspective of someone that is loved and cared for.
I found love, fell in love and found what I have been seeking, but my transition is not over. I am now working politically to change the community I am a part of to make the world around me better. I can do that now because my husband gives me the support I need to make it happen. Love and growth create the ability to move forward.
