Where have I been for two years?

If anyone follows any of my social media I have an Instagram account @FreePhire, which has followed me through the last two years of my life.  As this blog references, I began this written journey in the middle of a transition. I was transitioning from a youth to an adult, from a girl to a woman, from a fragile weak thinker to a strong, black active speaker.

I have been transitioning from a lady to a wife.  It has included many different changes that I am unsure about, with little sensitivity and curious as to what's next for "us" in our life.  When I started writing about what dating and falling in love was like, I was in love with being "in love".  In fact the constant ups and downs are what drove me to continue to look for the same senseless drama.  When I finally fell in love.  True, gentle, angry, love, it wasn't a sucker punch, it wasn't even a sneak attack.  I will admit, I did not see him coming.  I didn't see any of it coming.

He was young and un-established, beginning a professional career.  He was not superficial about his clothing, in fact he was functional.  He was an "It fits and it's clean, I can wear it" type of guy.  He was anxious and his voice would shake when he spoke to me. It was completely awkward and I liked the fact that there was no pressure, except whenever he opened his mouth.  He would tell a horrible joke that was so bad, all I could do is stare and say "that wasn't funny."  I hated that something about this person made me a "horrid bitch."  I didn't know why I became this person with him. I was so raw and unfiltered.  Not calculated and pre-meditated like with the other guys.  He was cool, but man, what the hell was wrong with me?  Why did he shake so much, and why was he so damn anxious? And wtf would make him want to do this any more!?  I was anxious and I had just vowed to myself that I wasn't going to let it happen any more, NO MORE ANXIETY!

I let him know, and we decided to "hang-out".

It was such a disaster, the whole evening was a disaster. First we couldn't find a place to meet.  It was supposed to be the mall, then a light bulb chimed on while I was driving that explained so clearly that,  "I don't know where the mall is!", then, I suggested the one place that I did know, which I was late to, due to traffic and parking.  When we did finally meet, he gets called out by his dad, because his family is at the table directly behind us.  I know, I spoke about this before because it's been so pivotal over the last few years.  That was the day I met my husband's parents and just like my relationship with them right now, it was intrusive, overstepping established boundaries, and lacking respect for his ability to exert his own independence.  I was so annoyed.

If things couldn't get any worse, we went to an event that had an "ex" of sorts present, and a "possible" (a guy that I had previously 'sized up' and realized that he wasn't going to work for me) who was a feature that night, and here I am, walking in with my younger, "fashionably functional" new beau feeling truly exposed because all three of them, two different area codes, three different stages of my life, two established poets, and me all in a space that felt like it was 2 sq ft.  I couldn't have been more ready to go, but I decided that I was going to support those that traveled and engage in this activity, supporting what I stand for in more ways than one.  I performed my piece, gave my donation, bought myself a drink, and pretty much made the best of it. "Cheers! To this awful experience."

To add insult to injury, all that masculinity and testosterone in one room, I was caught with a dilemma when my new beau left the event early, and I had no one to walk me to my car, so I had to deal with the bros walking behind me drunk and talking loud and reckless, while I walked alone down a dark street. It was also up to me to deal with the random man that felt completely comfortable, walking up on me late at night in an area that I didn't know well, on my own.  Since he didn't have the respect to keep his distance, and purposely blocked my pathway to my car, I politely stepped out of his way and said "excuse me, I have to go!" In a tone that I know sounded truly irritated, I decided that this was the last straw.  I knew this wasn't going to happen again.

I was once again reminded that I was continuously going out of my way, and not finding any respect that I deserved, while minimizing myself for the comfort of the incapable.

Except, I was wrong.

The poets, yeah, they were incapable for me.  They were and still are two of the most egotistical, arrogant human beings that I have ever encountered in my life.  My admiration for them was a reflection of how I refused to see myself, and I chose to find what I considered "goodness" in their ways of being, instead of respecting the integrity and strength in my own.

 I didn't know better because I didn't see myself as better, but my now husband, and then "new beau" was the beginning of a new life.  He saw me as beautiful, and caring.  He put himself through the anxiety of seeing me and spending time with me, because he looked at me through admiration.  He went to the event with a bunch of people he didn't know and watched me perform.  He kept in touch with me, and kept asking me out.  He made plans to spend time with me, and he went above and beyond to establish a relationship. That night he left early so he could get up for work in the morning.  He moved on to a better job, and he began to establish his career.  After I told him that I don't "pay for myself on dates."  He took me out.  I almost cut him loose, and he not only validated my value, but reinforced my frustration and gave me his heart.  My transition isn't over, but my soul searchin' has ended and my ending is not the one I hoped for, but it's definitely better than the one I envisioned.
For the last two years, I have seen life from the perspective of someone that is loved and cared for.

I found love, fell in love and found what I have been seeking, but my transition is not over.  I am now working politically to change the community I am a part of to make the world around me better.  I can do that now because my husband gives me the support I need to make it happen.  Love and growth create the ability to move forward.

Shoutout to All Women

Recently, I have found a freedom that has re-lit so much of my spirit.  My being spoke to me and I was freed.  Not because I thought he was forever, the possibility was pretty, but not real. My freedom is forever, but the key was once again a temporary for a very complicated lock.

When he and I began it was outside of my own understanding, and I received a new place where time is not time as I understood it.  We would lose hours just being together, then life became something different.  He was a motivation for newer better heights, not because of his "innovations" but because of my own.

I was motivated to move in my life as I have not been motivated in a LONG time.  I hunted and gathered for work and opportunities.  I wrote and edited.  Looking into what's possible, what can come, what can go.  I was once again pushed to another level of my being.

I like the men I like because they motivate me, to look deeper, focus harder, find more.  See more.  Understand infinitely, til no more understanding can be found.  I love that I can dig so deeply within myself, that I am willing to give for it.  However, what I have found is that the ambition is so one sided, I want to grow together and they want to put their feet up (on my couch), eat (my food), and then do what they want to do.

NEWSFLASH:: I don't work like that.  Growth is a choice, but what is life if you are not growing.  Everyday  we have cells in our body that regenerate themselves completely.  We have parts of the brain that constantly seek stimulation.  I have grown accustomed to being stimulated mentally and what that does for my being.  I also expect growth to be an aspiration just like anything else.  What man can be content looking at the same corner of life for the rest of his life??  Life was meant to be conquered and journeyed.  Shared while experiencing everything.  The way we allow life to be dictated to us now is unbelievable.  We are supposed strive and fight together, for our own piece and peace, until we decide that we are strong and accomplished enough and we would like to stop and enjoy together.

I have grown more and more discontent with men not even willing to appropriately reel me in and sure as hell not keep me.  However, I keep learning and growing.  I have grown into American men... we all know the same shit, different days.

Most recently I was challenged with something new, not too different, but a little new.  He was a MESS.  However, he made me look at life differently and I looked at our relationship differently, though, truthfully.  He made me feel delicate like a silk pillowcase, he moved me like the force of gravity to a tidal wave.  I lost old dead skin and regenerated new and refreshing energy.  He made my heart sing sweet sorrowful hellos knowing that goodbye was inevitable.

I had nights of heated endless passion filled with earth-quaking, back bending, vocally acrobatic rhythms and sensuality.  On the flip side, I was only supposed to be helping him out temporarily, but somehow I became the source of stability.  He had ideas, but no plans.  He was excited, but not motivated.  He wanted me, but he didn't want me.  He wasn't willing to put in the effort of keeping me and he had some other woman paying for his time.  He supplied sex and my intimate care, but that was it.  While I gave him tools that he wasn't quite ready to use yet, he gave me energy that I knew how to move and conduct.  Changing it into my own production.  I have done this and continue to do it.  I end up, saddened by how little my counter parts know how to get from my elements.

As woman, I have to search for my match.  Not what I can match, but what fits me.  Whose willing to take me there, and whose willing to go that extra mile.  Not for what I can get, but to be used for what I really am, and for what I can do.  So I guess, its about knowing myself and what I have to offer.  Lol, I haven't heard that before.  S/o to all woman.

Awwww Hell.... I'm the Queen Bee in this Bi*ch (Part 2)

When he called her his "queen", I died.  My heart stopped and my ears clogged and there was no world around me, because as much as I had grown and changed, I was not evolved enough for the name that I had been given.  At least not to see it worn by someone else.

I have earned my life, I have worked through being unwanted and unloved.  I continue to love through constant challenge and insistent judgment.  I have climbed out of manholes to hold myself up and gain enough strength to keep going, but to see that I have put in effort to give creative space, and offer open-minded acceptance.  He called her his queen


I don't know what he put her through but I know that I didn't cry after getting "I miss u" text messages at 5:00am, and dread not texting or calling him on his birthday, or listen to songs thinking about the time that I could be spending with someone who would understand me to see some "Other" woman be called his queen.


I know that I am a phenomenal woman, and now I know that I want a love like my grand-parents.  I want a man that may make mistakes, and do stupid things sometimes, and have ridiculous reactions to things at times or may not be completely self aware all the time, but knows that he loves me and understands that my crazy exists, but so does my little girl.  I want a man that can see that though I may be bitching and whining (or in my case lashing out) about something small or insignificant; when he looks at me, and tells me to "calm down" or "be easy" he knows that he's speaking to a little girl who has had to fight people twice her size to prove fit for her own survival.  That may be "Scathing" with her words, but is only saying "I'm frightened" or "I'm hurting" or "hold me".  I know that I have been angry, and boisterous, throughout this whole process because I'm so inspired and so challenged, uninhibited and free.  I am also so ignored and left unacknowledged.  Unfed and left wanting.  So much time for others, and so little for me.  


"I'm sorry" is not going to erase the amount of awkward oddness that I have placed into the universe, it won't delete the horrible, unquestionable honesty that I put in a tweet, it won't undo the disrespect that I lashed out at maximum capacity in any way, but it has allowed me to see that I hurt, and in turn I hurt others.  I let my emotions take control of my judgment and I have been and am going to be up all night crying into my pillow, wondering how human do I have to become before I accept that I am not superwoman.  Before I recognize that like any person, I can think irrationally and act out of passion and hurt and anger.  At what point will I realize that I can meet many standards, but my own are too high.

In the end, I am truly sorry.