(Wo)Man's search for meaning: My Relationship within

It has finally happened ("Lord Jesus, It's a Fire!!!"), I have finally been in a place where I could take it seriously.  A man coming forward to "win" me over.  Lol.  I am open to new experiences and to the simple joys of life, so I figured what the hell, why not?  I'm finding myself and he's cute.  Plus, maybe it'll be different this time (you know you think that, but when it happens, you just don't know where to begin).

 At first we texted and exchanged thoughts via typed language.  Informal, casual, non-committal.  Very engaging, yet built around the convenience of our schedules, and personal life demands.  I noticed that our exchanges were polite and thoughtful.  Slightly simplistic and they seemed slightly calculated.  Down to his facebook posts and responses (of course in retrospect, I am realizing this).  I couldn't get enough of him and his thoughts and perspectives, we laughed all the time.  His mind was ripe and open, like mine.  His story was different.  He also was an artist, but admittedly choice about when/how he was flaky.  Lol.  He caught me off guard with questions like "How was your day" and about things that I care about.  He showed mature and mentoring concern for my experiences.  He took time out of his life for me.  And I learned how to be more respectful of my time.  The whole arrangement, for lack of a better word, was "perfect."  He became my friend, teacher, mentor, and crush.  Before we even spoke on the phone.  It was a wonder what a phone conversation would be like.

Thus, we finally moved into talking on the phone, in which the world changed.  I was nervous when he was supposed to call me, and he did.  We laughed the entire conversation sharing intimate details about ourselves and who we are as people.  We talked about our families and our close individuals.  We became friends.  He set a foundation of himself for me, and created space for himself in my thoughts, just by being who he was.  It was so automatic, so instinctual, it was like finding two pieces of a puzzle that just fit.  You look at one and then the other, and you put'em together and there they go.  They merge into one solid piece that you can build off from into that larger, more defined, detailed picture.  It was one of the most redefining moments of my life.  I didn't realize it then, but I was being healed.  Parts of my soul was being mended into a quiet more confident presence, while my ability to speak out and firm was being manipulated into a more eloquent and peaceful space of maturity.  How did this happen from talking to a man that I barely knew?

Well, in truth, he thinks... a lot, very analytical, one to break down big pictures into smaller components and then break down each component (I love an intellectual).  Our exchanges were the build off of each other.  My ability to optimize everything into some humorous atrocity that I can giggle at was met by his quick wit and incredible gift of sizing up a situation.  Kismet.  The flow of his thoughts into my words into my life built new bridges, filled in old decaying gaps.  It was like the universe found me a doctor to help in my healing and he just had to be who he was.  I loved how tranquility and strength had merged with preparation and gentility, allowing for me to see the best of him.  It was moving.  When it all came to an end when neither of us could make a trip to visit the other. We had to accept defeat.  As we couldn't meet each other or beat each other in the game.  We were in two different places geographically and we couldn't get to each other.  Did I do it again??  Did I once again get my hopes up about a man that was undeserving of my planning, my hopes, my desires???  Did I jump the gun, only to find myself back on the path of "Soul Searchin'" through the trials and tribulations of desires and preconceived expectations?  Only this time it seemed different.  Too different.

Purpose

So.... learning from my dating experiences (as I should be), I have realized that I don't ask for much from men.  A sense of self, the desire to build a community, and an understanding and appreciation that I am a woman about my business.  So respect me as I respect him, especially if right now I am working my tail off to keep food in my home with my dog and earn an advanced degree.  Considering that I could be on some other stuff, gaming men for money to get my hair and nails done.  Instead, I meet no good gold diggers that want to talk to me, but in their mind they are adding up my dollars trying to figure how to get into my life so they can spend the little bit of money that I may have.

The new dilemma is the desire for me to do "more."  What more can I do?  I am making time for a man in my life as it is.  In all honesty, I don't have time for myself, but maybe that is where I should start.  Instead of making time for a man in my life, maybe I should make time for myself and the right man will join me in the time that I make for myself.

It's really hard to be a woman that wants to take the time for myself, but I guess that's the part that has the most relevance, it's not easy.  We live in a world that demands so much of a person, but its not a person's money as much as a person's time that is demanded.  Especially in this age, when there is such an emphasis on time, high speed internet, "killing time," Paid-time off, vacation time, holidays, family time, I can go on and on.

I have decided that I do want to get married, I do want to have children to share my extra expensive education with.  I want to enjoy my life and engage people regarding all of the beauty that life has to offer, I want to share the joys of my life with someone when I have them.  There seems to always be something.  I guess I could take a weekend off and go out of town to appreciate that I do have Saturday and Sunday to appreciate the silence of life.

I guess it's just that once I start going hard, it's easy to forget that there are joys to life that I do miss.  I become so busy trying to survive that I forget that if I let things go for a day or two they will still be there in a day or two. Nothing takes care of itself.  I want to take a mini vacation so badly I can taste it.

Oh!  The beauty of getting out of this area for a day or two and tasting air from somewhere else.  Having a fresh and beautiful perspective on what the world has to offer.  I am talking myself into going somewhere else as I type.  Maybe spending time with someone that would embrace the visit.

Anyway, I have to remember that life gets hard at times, but survival mode is counter productive, in the end because survival is not just about meeting the barest of minimums, its about being able to embrace life though the barest of minimums are a squander away.

Screw it, I am going to do more than just survive life, I am going to live!!

The Vicious Cycle (Vanity)

In between beat rhythms

Over artistic expression 
of chords and instruments

He speaks lyrical rhymes breaking down his heart

Moments in time seek stability through his words

While he speaks of a question of sanity

Because to dream is human, yet to follow such a path of most resistance leaves one questioning one’s own mental state

Despair through arrogance reveals a lack where vulnerability still stands

And yet to be vulnerable for a whole world to see your nakedness

Is it so difficult to open up to just one other human being?  Or just this one?

Effort or a moment to understand that pain is a tool for growth

Yes, we were hurt before as long as we are willing to be more, we cannot be hurt the same way twice

Instead I listen to music in hopes of a fantasy life

Excusing that though I am blinded by my opponent’s big voices and large presence my battle is won, and my war will be lost to someone who will fight for and with me. 

Though it may not be with him, we will share

Such heart

Such art

And close each other off to our vanity

To be honest, giving my all over and over has not been worth a man’s acceptance, only leading to resentment, because he comes to me lacking, and in need.

What I help to build, I have to leave, because once I build Rome it’s the requirements of my castle that brings him to his knees. 

I deserve a thrown that can carry my weight and as long as that is contingent on my contribution I am a woman worth 5 tons in gold and just being in my social standing can multiply a man’s net worth by the thousands  alone. 

It’s not about what I can do for him, because for him I will bear sons that will lead and create, make paths that have never been made and bring a reputation to his name that it has not seen since before his great greats were slaves

Because for him, I will bear daughters that will bring beauty and grace into this place that will make Beyonce look unkept and Condoleezza look undereducated

Because for him my gifts are worth his investment and I hear it in his expression

Though I work to not allow my heart to speak as I listen

I can’t manipulate nor regain control

I fight to hold my control freak in her place

I am powerless against his spoken word

my kryptonite is truth in his art and though he verbalizes his vanity, I only hear his humanity

Soul speaks as our souls meet, dance on heartfelt creativity

I can’t deny that my heart cries out for

New times new fears

new moments new skies

 And my Hand ties

So then Hope dies

As time flies no more lies

His truth resonates against the walls of my spirit

He tells his soul and with my whole being I hear it

I feel his story, touched and glad for him share

My emotion is strong without control I couldn’t bare

I can see his heart on his sleeve that he wears

Speak my feelings to his ear and let him know, I wouldn’t dare

Especially cus I’m afraid that in the end he wouldn’t care