If anyone follows any of my social media I have an Instagram account @FreePhire, which has followed me through the last two years of my life. As this blog references, I began this written journey in the middle of a transition. I was transitioning from a youth to an adult, from a girl to a woman, from a fragile weak thinker to a strong, black active speaker.
I have been transitioning from a lady to a wife. It has included many different changes that I am unsure about, with little sensitivity and curious as to what's next for "us" in our life. When I started writing about what dating and falling in love was like, I was in love with being "in love". In fact the constant ups and downs are what drove me to continue to look for the same senseless drama. When I finally fell in love. True, gentle, angry, love, it wasn't a sucker punch, it wasn't even a sneak attack. I will admit, I did not see him coming. I didn't see any of it coming.
He was young and un-established, beginning a professional career. He was not superficial about his clothing, in fact he was functional. He was an "It fits and it's clean, I can wear it" type of guy. He was anxious and his voice would shake when he spoke to me. It was completely awkward and I liked the fact that there was no pressure, except whenever he opened his mouth. He would tell a horrible joke that was so bad, all I could do is stare and say "that wasn't funny." I hated that something about this person made me a "horrid bitch." I didn't know why I became this person with him. I was so raw and unfiltered. Not calculated and pre-meditated like with the other guys. He was cool, but man, what the hell was wrong with me? Why did he shake so much, and why was he so damn anxious? And wtf would make him want to do this any more!? I was anxious and I had just vowed to myself that I wasn't going to let it happen any more, NO MORE ANXIETY!
I let him know, and we decided to "hang-out".
It was such a disaster, the whole evening was a disaster. First we couldn't find a place to meet. It was supposed to be the mall, then a light bulb chimed on while I was driving that explained so clearly that, "I don't know where the mall is!", then, I suggested the one place that I did know, which I was late to, due to traffic and parking. When we did finally meet, he gets called out by his dad, because his family is at the table directly behind us. I know, I spoke about this before because it's been so pivotal over the last few years. That was the day I met my husband's parents and just like my relationship with them right now, it was intrusive, overstepping established boundaries, and lacking respect for his ability to exert his own independence. I was so annoyed.
If things couldn't get any worse, we went to an event that had an "ex" of sorts present, and a "possible" (a guy that I had previously 'sized up' and realized that he wasn't going to work for me) who was a feature that night, and here I am, walking in with my younger, "fashionably functional" new beau feeling truly exposed because all three of them, two different area codes, three different stages of my life, two established poets, and me all in a space that felt like it was 2 sq ft. I couldn't have been more ready to go, but I decided that I was going to support those that traveled and engage in this activity, supporting what I stand for in more ways than one. I performed my piece, gave my donation, bought myself a drink, and pretty much made the best of it. "Cheers! To this awful experience."
To add insult to injury, all that masculinity and testosterone in one room, I was caught with a dilemma when my new beau left the event early, and I had no one to walk me to my car, so I had to deal with the bros walking behind me drunk and talking loud and reckless, while I walked alone down a dark street. It was also up to me to deal with the random man that felt completely comfortable, walking up on me late at night in an area that I didn't know well, on my own. Since he didn't have the respect to keep his distance, and purposely blocked my pathway to my car, I politely stepped out of his way and said "excuse me, I have to go!" In a tone that I know sounded truly irritated, I decided that this was the last straw. I knew this wasn't going to happen again.
I was once again reminded that I was continuously going out of my way, and not finding any respect that I deserved, while minimizing myself for the comfort of the incapable.
Except, I was wrong.
The poets, yeah, they were incapable for me. They were and still are two of the most egotistical, arrogant human beings that I have ever encountered in my life. My admiration for them was a reflection of how I refused to see myself, and I chose to find what I considered "goodness" in their ways of being, instead of respecting the integrity and strength in my own.
I didn't know better because I didn't see myself as better, but my now husband, and then "new beau" was the beginning of a new life. He saw me as beautiful, and caring. He put himself through the anxiety of seeing me and spending time with me, because he looked at me through admiration. He went to the event with a bunch of people he didn't know and watched me perform. He kept in touch with me, and kept asking me out. He made plans to spend time with me, and he went above and beyond to establish a relationship. That night he left early so he could get up for work in the morning. He moved on to a better job, and he began to establish his career. After I told him that I don't "pay for myself on dates." He took me out. I almost cut him loose, and he not only validated my value, but reinforced my frustration and gave me his heart. My transition isn't over, but my soul searchin' has ended and my ending is not the one I hoped for, but it's definitely better than the one I envisioned.
For the last two years, I have seen life from the perspective of someone that is loved and cared for.
I found love, fell in love and found what I have been seeking, but my transition is not over. I am now working politically to change the community I am a part of to make the world around me better. I can do that now because my husband gives me the support I need to make it happen. Love and growth create the ability to move forward.
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Thursday, March 17, 2016
A Perspective Twist
I have been away for a long time. Not because I haven't wanted to write about my experiences, but because I have been so busy living and experiencing that my writing can't catch up. I won't be able to remember everything all the time, but I want to remember this. I have spent so much of my life remembering the pain and the hurt, and now I want to remember the great and the wonderful.
When I came back to Michigan, I knew what I wanted to happen. I knew everything that was going to happen. I knew that I was getting married, and who I was getting married to. I knew what day and time. I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I knew that everything was going to work out just fine. I knew that my worries were few and that I had security. I knew that I would do whatever I had to do to never have to worry like my mother did, to never have to know the same pains and the same hurts. I knew that I was not going to be defeated by the same hardships.
At least I thought I knew. What my intuition told me is that Michigan is not for me. My heart told me to get away, my life has now told me, I am better off elsewhere.
Yes. I was born here. I have found love here, and I had an artistic network here, I am building a professional network here and learning how to be a person here. However, that is really hard. It's hard to be a person among people that in their heart of hearts only want me to feel smaller.
My fiance and I are here and in this together, and together when we go out, people see us and immediately become uncomfortable. They may not even realize that they have a problem, but when they see us together, we can't ignore it.
In some places there are no issues, we get treated like everyone else and maybe even called "lovebirds", and that is amazing. We are meant to be together, which is a fairy tale in itself from a woman that comes from a history of domestic violence and abuse. We bring out the best in each other, even when we're at our worst. We remind each other of "what's best" and encourage each other through the horrific. We laugh through everything and enjoy being together.
On the other hand, we go into places and often times people get unwelcoming. Last Thanksgiving we spent with his family, we went out to eat and all of us spent the entire time together. When we finally got called to eat after waiting for over an hour, and being told the wait was "40 minutes", as we were all standing waiting to be seated, I was asked if I needed assistance by the waitstaff, as if I was not clearly with the family that I had been with for the entire time.
So often when it is just the two of us going out and spending time together, we find people uncomfortable with our presence. They seem taken aback that we're out among the masses. It was the worst when we went around the block from my job to a trendy sushi spot. It was a restaurant that specialized in japanese cuisine filled with white people, that had no idea what to do when a black woman walked in with a white man. The host was unnerved and not very welcoming. Needless to say neither of us will go back.
I wish I could say that these were isolated incidents, but they weren't. They were common everyday occurrences that stem from personal biases that have built the common norms of the current culture around us. People use words like "diversity", and then use stereotypes and generalizations to frame their everyday experiences with people that are different from them. Then when a person does not fit the generalized stereotypes, they get overtly uncomfortable and disengaging. I can say this because as a black woman with an advanced degree and higher education, I can be as open and engaging as anyone else and I still have to deal with prejudices and biases from others. I understand that prejudice is part of life, but so is change and growth. The stereotype exists as a starting point, just like an example is made to start off a series of solutions, not every stereotype is going to fit, but it can give an idea of things that can engage a person.
Better yet, eliminate the stereotype all together, and just use basic common courtesy to engage and relate to other people.
My fiance and I are engaged to be married. He tells me that I am beautiful, he holds me at night, he makes me laugh, it is a joy to love him. I am planning my wedding and enjoying it. He makes me feel so passionate about life that I can not put it into words. I can maybe describe moments, but to describe him, I can only say "thank you" to God for allowing me to know such experiences.
Love does not have a race, and building love with a person already has it's difficulties within the relationship organically. People's personal issues should not be able to weigh in on two people learning how to be happy together. I know that many people will immediately believe "that's not me", but I know that I have to take my experiences and things seriously the next time that I notice that I am not as engaging or as welcoming, and I am going to ask myself "what's really going on"?
For more click here: https://theswamp.media/america-needs-more-than-denial-right-now?_ga=2.48753446.1680579839.1502775058-722341519.1500470379
When I came back to Michigan, I knew what I wanted to happen. I knew everything that was going to happen. I knew that I was getting married, and who I was getting married to. I knew what day and time. I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I knew that everything was going to work out just fine. I knew that my worries were few and that I had security. I knew that I would do whatever I had to do to never have to worry like my mother did, to never have to know the same pains and the same hurts. I knew that I was not going to be defeated by the same hardships.
At least I thought I knew. What my intuition told me is that Michigan is not for me. My heart told me to get away, my life has now told me, I am better off elsewhere.
Yes. I was born here. I have found love here, and I had an artistic network here, I am building a professional network here and learning how to be a person here. However, that is really hard. It's hard to be a person among people that in their heart of hearts only want me to feel smaller.
My fiance and I are here and in this together, and together when we go out, people see us and immediately become uncomfortable. They may not even realize that they have a problem, but when they see us together, we can't ignore it.
In some places there are no issues, we get treated like everyone else and maybe even called "lovebirds", and that is amazing. We are meant to be together, which is a fairy tale in itself from a woman that comes from a history of domestic violence and abuse. We bring out the best in each other, even when we're at our worst. We remind each other of "what's best" and encourage each other through the horrific. We laugh through everything and enjoy being together.
On the other hand, we go into places and often times people get unwelcoming. Last Thanksgiving we spent with his family, we went out to eat and all of us spent the entire time together. When we finally got called to eat after waiting for over an hour, and being told the wait was "40 minutes", as we were all standing waiting to be seated, I was asked if I needed assistance by the waitstaff, as if I was not clearly with the family that I had been with for the entire time.
So often when it is just the two of us going out and spending time together, we find people uncomfortable with our presence. They seem taken aback that we're out among the masses. It was the worst when we went around the block from my job to a trendy sushi spot. It was a restaurant that specialized in japanese cuisine filled with white people, that had no idea what to do when a black woman walked in with a white man. The host was unnerved and not very welcoming. Needless to say neither of us will go back.
I wish I could say that these were isolated incidents, but they weren't. They were common everyday occurrences that stem from personal biases that have built the common norms of the current culture around us. People use words like "diversity", and then use stereotypes and generalizations to frame their everyday experiences with people that are different from them. Then when a person does not fit the generalized stereotypes, they get overtly uncomfortable and disengaging. I can say this because as a black woman with an advanced degree and higher education, I can be as open and engaging as anyone else and I still have to deal with prejudices and biases from others. I understand that prejudice is part of life, but so is change and growth. The stereotype exists as a starting point, just like an example is made to start off a series of solutions, not every stereotype is going to fit, but it can give an idea of things that can engage a person.
Better yet, eliminate the stereotype all together, and just use basic common courtesy to engage and relate to other people.
My fiance and I are engaged to be married. He tells me that I am beautiful, he holds me at night, he makes me laugh, it is a joy to love him. I am planning my wedding and enjoying it. He makes me feel so passionate about life that I can not put it into words. I can maybe describe moments, but to describe him, I can only say "thank you" to God for allowing me to know such experiences.
Love does not have a race, and building love with a person already has it's difficulties within the relationship organically. People's personal issues should not be able to weigh in on two people learning how to be happy together. I know that many people will immediately believe "that's not me", but I know that I have to take my experiences and things seriously the next time that I notice that I am not as engaging or as welcoming, and I am going to ask myself "what's really going on"?
For more click here: https://theswamp.media/america-needs-more-than-denial-right-now?_ga=2.48753446.1680579839.1502775058-722341519.1500470379
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)