I have been away for a long time. Not because I haven't wanted to write about my experiences, but because I have been so busy living and experiencing that my writing can't catch up. I won't be able to remember everything all the time, but I want to remember this. I have spent so much of my life remembering the pain and the hurt, and now I want to remember the great and the wonderful.
When I came back to Michigan, I knew what I wanted to happen. I knew everything that was going to happen. I knew that I was getting married, and who I was getting married to. I knew what day and time. I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I knew that everything was going to work out just fine. I knew that my worries were few and that I had security. I knew that I would do whatever I had to do to never have to worry like my mother did, to never have to know the same pains and the same hurts. I knew that I was not going to be defeated by the same hardships.
At least I thought I knew. What my intuition told me is that Michigan is not for me. My heart told me to get away, my life has now told me, I am better off elsewhere.
Yes. I was born here. I have found love here, and I had an artistic network here, I am building a professional network here and learning how to be a person here. However, that is really hard. It's hard to be a person among people that in their heart of hearts only want me to feel smaller.
My fiance and I are here and in this together, and together when we go out, people see us and immediately become uncomfortable. They may not even realize that they have a problem, but when they see us together, we can't ignore it.
In some places there are no issues, we get treated like everyone else and maybe even called "lovebirds", and that is amazing. We are meant to be together, which is a fairy tale in itself from a woman that comes from a history of domestic violence and abuse. We bring out the best in each other, even when we're at our worst. We remind each other of "what's best" and encourage each other through the horrific. We laugh through everything and enjoy being together.
On the other hand, we go into places and often times people get unwelcoming. Last Thanksgiving we spent with his family, we went out to eat and all of us spent the entire time together. When we finally got called to eat after waiting for over an hour, and being told the wait was "40 minutes", as we were all standing waiting to be seated, I was asked if I needed assistance by the waitstaff, as if I was not clearly with the family that I had been with for the entire time.
So often when it is just the two of us going out and spending time together, we find people uncomfortable with our presence. They seem taken aback that we're out among the masses. It was the worst when we went around the block from my job to a trendy sushi spot. It was a restaurant that specialized in japanese cuisine filled with white people, that had no idea what to do when a black woman walked in with a white man. The host was unnerved and not very welcoming. Needless to say neither of us will go back.
I wish I could say that these were isolated incidents, but they weren't. They were common everyday occurrences that stem from personal biases that have built the common norms of the current culture around us. People use words like "diversity", and then use stereotypes and generalizations to frame their everyday experiences with people that are different from them. Then when a person does not fit the generalized stereotypes, they get overtly uncomfortable and disengaging. I can say this because as a black woman with an advanced degree and higher education, I can be as open and engaging as anyone else and I still have to deal with prejudices and biases from others. I understand that prejudice is part of life, but so is change and growth. The stereotype exists as a starting point, just like an example is made to start off a series of solutions, not every stereotype is going to fit, but it can give an idea of things that can engage a person.
Better yet, eliminate the stereotype all together, and just use basic common courtesy to engage and relate to other people.
My fiance and I are engaged to be married. He tells me that I am beautiful, he holds me at night, he makes me laugh, it is a joy to love him. I am planning my wedding and enjoying it. He makes me feel so passionate about life that I can not put it into words. I can maybe describe moments, but to describe him, I can only say "thank you" to God for allowing me to know such experiences.
Love does not have a race, and building love with a person already has it's difficulties within the relationship organically. People's personal issues should not be able to weigh in on two people learning how to be happy together. I know that many people will immediately believe "that's not me", but I know that I have to take my experiences and things seriously the next time that I notice that I am not as engaging or as welcoming, and I am going to ask myself "what's really going on"?
For more click here: https://theswamp.media/america-needs-more-than-denial-right-now?_ga=2.48753446.1680579839.1502775058-722341519.1500470379
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