Life's Gifts

Photos by Jessica Nylen Photography

In recent days, I have been able to enjoy the joys of pregnancy.  Yes, I did get married in July of 2016 and it was amazing.  I, at the time, was bloated and stressed, due to many issues that contributed to my body's pressure response system creating additional weight.  I also had some very very bad experiences that led to a complete state -to- state relocation a month and a half before my husband and I got married in our chosen destination of Traverse City, MI.

It all began in the late months of 2015, right after our blessed and beautiful engagement.  I was going to try to find a mid-way spot between the locations of both of our families, so that we could all meet in the middle, and share joy and gaiety.  His mother also stated that she was looking for a mid-way spot that would be good for both families.  In my newly found joy, I believed that her efforts were truly sincere and that she was looking to consider my family as much as the family that was located nearby.  It did not take long, before her updates on locations were getting closer and closer to West Michigan (where they lived, while my family would be traveling from Detroit, East Michigan).  In the mean time, because of my preference to not be completely stressed and overwhelmed on this ONE day that I get to call my own, I wanted to be near water.  I began to look toward Traverse City.  This is around the time that my husband's mother began to make statements like "It's just one day," and "you spend all that money.  It's not worth it."  It began to dawn on me, that this was probably being said with the insistence that it was because, traditionally, it is the groom's side of the wedding's responsibility to pay for the reception and many other wedding expenses.  As his parents had already asked their son whether my mother had given any money toward the wedding.  In this case, I was not pleased with my future mother-in-laws insensitive over stepping, and I was also not pleased with the lack of regard that was shown for  the hopes my husband and I had for our start of a new life together.

At one point I had to ask my husband what he wanted, and what his intentions were in planning our wedding because he had began to parody his mother's words exactly. It had become clear that his mother's repeated words had effected him to such an intense point that I had to inquire as to what he wanted, and I needed him to speak his desires clearly to understand.  Because his mother's words were about her, and no one else.  That was before we had found the destination for our ceremony.  I had to make sure that both, he and I, wanted the same thing.  A memorable experience that allowed us to enjoy time with our loved ones and family in spite of the difficulties that led up to the experience.  We decided to find a place to get married, and to enjoy the process while we did so.  We agreed that our wedding was going to be our last experience in Michigan, and we were going to make it joyful and memorable.  It didn't take long for us to find a reasonably priced venue,perfectly located, and beautiful, and appropriate for our sunset wedding.  The woman that told us about the event was very pleasant and hospitable, her name was Christine and she made the entire experience impeccable.

In this time, my amazing husband and I began to plan a wedding in which his mother felt it necessary to undermine every decision that I made.  While, both his parents insisted on spending time with us regularly, they both also were very passive aggressive in insisting that we live our lives as they preferred of us.  Not as the adults that we had become.  They used micro-aggressions to minimize my hard work and best efforts, and spoke condescendingly about life as though it's easier when a person thinks and acts as they do, because they are white.  As their insistence on influencing our decisions increased, the area of Michigan that we were living in became more and more hostile.

As I began to pick up items for my DIY wedding decorations and planning, my then fiance's mother began to become overwhelmingly overbearing.  His parents would stop by the house when they felt like it, imposing on our time with requests that would range; anywhere from coming in and sitting down for a visit (micro-aggressions included), to picking up my husband because they needed to move heavy equipment. One night, they stopped by.  His mother came into the house, sat down, and we all began to talk.  At some point, she began to raise her voice in a manner of frustration yelling about how we "could get married in Springlake or Grand Haven!" both small nearby towns rife with racial bias and inequality.  Her angry lashing did not seem directed at anyone in particular, but it was enough for his dad to get her coat, and begin to usher her out of the door.  That day made it clear to me that even though this period was supposed to be about the love that my husband and I had, everything was going to be about her until it was made clear that as adults, we have autonomy over our own lives.

Photos by Jessica Nylen Photography

The more we asserted our independence and autonomy, the more they insisted that we needed to think like them. As my husband and I grew up in a different time, with different experiences, we did not see the world the way that his parents did.  Though we did not challenge them, they insisted on challenging us, they also repeatedly did things to my husband that hurt him and made him feel as though he needed to choose between his family or his future wife.  At first, I was cooperative, but when they felt it was acceptable to force he and I to prioritize their wants and needs over our own, it became necessary to remove ourselves from their reach.

We decided that we needed to move, and we had around three months til our wedding.  We planned our wedding, we had our bachelor/bachelorette parties, and we moved forward.  We let his parents know that we were moving.  They met this reality with scrutiny, criticism, mean-spiritedness, and denial.  There were statements like "This is what you're supposed to do...", but they were also joined with condescension or guilt trips for my husband.

When the arrangements for the move were made, they acted supportive, and continued to attempt to lay on the guilt.  When we left, we had challenges, but we were faithful and made it happen. With the support of one of my best friends, we were able to move to North Carolina quickly and smoothly.  I had a job offer, and my husband found a job that gave him the experience that he was seeking.  We had to give ourselves the opportunity to know peace.  When we got to North Carolina, we found it.

Since we left, their erratic behavior has become less disruptive, but disruptive still.  Our relationship has grown, my husband has been able to grow as a person.  We were able to travel back to Michigan, have our sunset ceremony and a lovely reception.  We were able to not only laugh and spend time with our loved ones, but our friends have been touched by our move.  They have spoken uplifting words to us as we continue to journey and find the beauty that life has to offer.

I now know that my husband needed and wanted the freedom and peace that we have found together, but did not know what he needed until he found it.  Now we are expecting, and have experienced many changes that have grown us both.  Sometimes it takes us challenging ourselves to better understand the beauty life has to offer.

Photos by Jessica Nylen Photography