He came again and the second time was better than the first, I knew this time that he was taking me seriously. At least, I thought I knew. In fact had started taking myself seriously. I had put it into perspective, the wit, the conversation. It was right. It was what I had been looking for. It was what I had needed. He embodied the Serenity, tranquility, open-mindedness, wit, and compassionate understanding that took me where I wanted to go. He fed me. He was intrigued, not because I was so "weird", but because I was familiar. He didn't wander down a path following my train of thought and get lost. I finally found a man that could follow the complexity of my mind, and expand or reverse thought. Our relationship spoiled me. We could talk like I wanted to, when it came to a few things he could and would go over my head. I would lose myself in his ability to break things down to such a deep and thoughtful level, in fact, I was turned on by it. He kept me prepared for the pounce.
I found myself fully engaged, flexible and ready to bend my way of thinking into new and untouched angles. Always up for a new way to see the old from his perspective lens. Just bouncing my thoughts off of his gave me energy and desire to twist together new outcomes. His insight into his own process of growth through the years created a space for me to appreciate what interpretations he had to offer. I grew hungry for more nights of deep and meaningful translations of what life had become. He fed me in a way that no one ever had before. It was my relationship with him that made me realize that I had been starved for too long. Looking for, longing for, and loving the unique vantage point that he had brought to my being.
He was dynamic and capable. He was reflective, not only of how he felt he was great, but what he felt he could do better. Finally!!! Finally someone who wouldn't allow a persona of arrogance to block the beauty of growing passed mistakes. I had finally seen a man that had learned to embrace the process of growing from mistakes. Small or large, the opportunity for growth is exactly that. He was perfectly imperfect. The appropriate combination of everything, arrogant enough to be confident in himself, yet aware enough to know his own imperfections and appreciate who he "was". The best part was that when he looked at me he saw me as who I was. "Bossy". The best compliment that I had gotten. A man that saw me as a woman that he wanted to give to equally. A man prepared for the joyride of a sister "that's getting her's." A man, that in the depth of his soul could plant a seed so fruitful, he nourished the tree back to full health and set in motion the re-planting. I gave him fruit, he not only ate, but he gave back, he gave water, but more importantly, he shined light. He began the process of photosynthesis, he gave me light, and I gave him oxygen, and whatever resources he could use. It was an exchange of nature, his light for my air. His nourishment for mine. Equally yolked, so I thought. There were parts he was much better at than I, and there were parts that I had the lead in.
So imagine my surprise when he did it again. This time it wasn't just disappointing. It had hurt.
When he left, we had a fight. It was the most intriguing exchange of frustration I had ever been a part of. I called him out, and he gave it back to me. We went back and forth and we both were agitated. I think I knew at that moment that I was all in... actually I am sure I knew the night before. Him on the other hand, I still don't know what his hold up was or is. He had an issue with everything. Anyway, I fell in love with him. And then he broke it off with me, two days before I was supposed to go visit him. Once again my heart shattered. So, I chose to do me. In which... he... didn't go anywhere.
I lost myself chasing this illusion of what I needed.
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