When he called her his "queen", I died. My heart stopped and my ears clogged and there was no world around me, because as much as I had grown and changed, I was not evolved enough for the name that I had been given. At least not to see it worn by someone else.
I have earned my life, I have worked through being unwanted and unloved. I continue to love through constant challenge and insistent judgment. I have climbed out of manholes to hold myself up and gain enough strength to keep going, but to see that I have put in effort to give creative space, and offer open-minded acceptance. He called her his queen
I don't know what he put her through but I know that I didn't cry after getting "I miss u" text messages at 5:00am, and dread not texting or calling him on his birthday, or listen to songs thinking about the time that I could be spending with someone who would understand me to see some "Other" woman be called his queen.
I know that I am a phenomenal woman, and now I know that I want a love like my grand-parents. I want a man that may make mistakes, and do stupid things sometimes, and have ridiculous reactions to things at times or may not be completely self aware all the time, but knows that he loves me and understands that my crazy exists, but so does my little girl. I want a man that can see that though I may be bitching and whining (or in my case lashing out) about something small or insignificant; when he looks at me, and tells me to "calm down" or "be easy" he knows that he's speaking to a little girl who has had to fight people twice her size to prove fit for her own survival. That may be "Scathing" with her words, but is only saying "I'm frightened" or "I'm hurting" or "hold me". I know that I have been angry, and boisterous, throughout this whole process because I'm so inspired and so challenged, uninhibited and free. I am also so ignored and left unacknowledged. Unfed and left wanting. So much time for others, and so little for me.
"I'm sorry" is not going to erase the amount of awkward oddness that I have placed into the universe, it won't delete the horrible, unquestionable honesty that I put in a tweet, it won't undo the disrespect that I lashed out at maximum capacity in any way, but it has allowed me to see that I hurt, and in turn I hurt others. I let my emotions take control of my judgment and I have been and am going to be up all night crying into my pillow, wondering how human do I have to become before I accept that I am not superwoman. Before I recognize that like any person, I can think irrationally and act out of passion and hurt and anger. At what point will I realize that I can meet many standards, but my own are too high.
In the end, I am truly sorry.
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