Soul Searchin'

Night sky falls background my heart pounds.  Lost in war of men on women and women on men good only find bad and  bad only find the worst, so fine tuning into something better is not only difficult, but constantly being opposed and growing less and less likely. 

 I look at you, stuck between the ability to elevate and grow, or be turned into more of a skeptic by what outsiders looking in have described to me as a situation that can only end badly.

But I can’t hold you to their standards; I can only hold you to your own.  Fruit that you planted in me, is growing, feeding others, making ways where there were once dead ends.  Giving meals where people were once starving. 

You completely unaware of what you’ve done, or how you've done it.  I wonder if you care that you left an impression at all, besides the small grooves I know you would like to make in my womb.

Ultimately, I cannot continue to let my hopes for what you may want to be continue to allow me to grow increasingly toxic, for you and everyone that would like to be a man in my life, I am obligated to be a positive force repelling constant negativity trying to destroy our people.  My people.  Your people.  I pray to God a man that walks in solid shoes can plant a tree of knowledge in me that would create a space for me to grow past the constant days lacking in exchange.  My loss of masculine security and strength. 

I don’t know what a good blaq man looks like, I have heard of them, but for me a good blaq man is a myth, like a dragon, or a mermaid.  I know that I owe it to the man that will be the man I need him to be not to let the actions of your hatred char me into a man-hating storm that will destroy the next African-American brother willing to step into African-American Masculine maturity for my sake.

When we are hot, we can warm each other’s cold nights of insomnia and infinite energy creating our own island that exists only as a mattress saturated with your sweat and my outpouring feminine essence.  Exploding over and over again in passionate ardent lust and laughter from quips.  Exchanged and understood only through humor and gentle open-ness. 

This climactic climate that allows for me to open and grow within you, creating in me a liberty and foundation I have never been so open to obtaining sustaining this climate only created when I have your manly essence of old books and sprightly intent that creates warmth where I was once cold.

But when you are cold, when you are cold… I become a fire of unbridled loose energy freely scattering no appropriate direction.  Not only wanting to be used on your erection or manifestation of your love through sensual moments and gentility, I would like to be conducted like electricity, working for the bigger space to create space for those of us that need to understand that space and time is a friend. 

Growing warmth, renewable energy, and genuine human softness is raw a beginning to growing to newer better heights withstanding painful revolution of change within reflected without by those that watch us grow.  My hearts content on whether you choose to come with me this time “no”  is no longer going to suffice.  No is not an answer that you can give, you can only choose which direction “yes” will take you in.

You are cold, I am affected by not only the laws of inertia but the laws of lost and untamed love, full of fulfillment yet thawed and re-frozen by carelessness and hostile agitation.  You call yoself Osiris but Yo Isis is where yo Eyes is. You talk about your soul mate but I am where yo mind is.   I'm lookin' you in your eyes, so with truth is where mine is.

It is peace in you that ignites the fight in me, but you are not my enemy, you are my only ally and I should be fighting my true enemy not my lover that you clumsily stumbled on being in my life.  Why does this have to be such a battle?  Why can’t you just fight your learned instincts of barriers and embrace my re-programming of opening up?

In the end this battle needs to end, our soul searchin’ needs to end, because if we both lose a lover if we both lose each other then we both lose the opportunity to understand and offer an example of Blaq love.

© Phire Free 2012