Joy

Ease of warmth

smooth awakening presence 

savor of fresh tulips in bloom 

Sweet pleasant kisses of sun or soft embraces of a calm wind

set up

searching

savoring

forgiving reminders of abrupt seasonal play

Accepting green buds expanding from dark brown branches 

unfolding 

vibrant colorful interpretations of palpitating hearts and harmonious nature

Inhaling sensitive recollections

succulent aromas spreading sensations 

summoning Spirit

Emancipation 

Enhancing echos and emotional elevations 

extending instinctively

Intuition 

Inviting 

Essence into energizing empathic 

release

Recognizing rumination

reaching readiness for reception 

swept into Rebirth

Reinvention.

Self sufficient solemn 

synchronization

Schedules systematically 

aligning arduously into 

sacred

solar spaces 

securing 

Joy

The Best I Ever Had

I had one
only one
He was the one,
The one to teach me how to walk
Help me learn how to talk
Help my mom teach me to read
How to exist in a world not quite ready for someone like me
I only had one
Only one

The one
The one who read me to sleep at night
The one who worried about when I stopped eating regularly
The one

He was the one that impressed my favorite teacher in high school
He was the one that picked me up on the street after I didn’t go home after a half day of school in 7th grade, but instead hung out with friends smoking cigarettes and loitering
He was the one that took me with him to auctions to buy the shit my mother fussed about
The one that took me to Busch Gardens because I wanted to see it
The one that took the family on a summer vacation cruise when I was 9
He was the one
My only one
He was the one that made sure we went to the auto show every year
It was him that made sure that we got our special annual addition black Barbie dolls at Christmas time
He was the one that wanted to make history in our home town with the city’s only black hair salon
He was the one
He was the one that played his music so loud and so often I knew every Luther, O’Jays, and Temptations song ever played on the radio
It was him that laughed at my goofiness as a child
It was him that picked me up in the grocery store after I blacked out, and held on to me so tight afraid that I was going to fall again that neither of us could walk
It was him that thought when I was for help on my homework hurt myself and came running to make sure I was okay
It was him that danced with me at the African Festival Downtown
It was him that made sure we patronized downtown every chance we could
African World Festival
UniverSoul Circus
Detroit Food Festival
That was him
He was the one I didn’t want to disappoint when I got suspended from school for smoking
He was the one I didn’t want to upset when I got suspended from school for tardies
He was the one I didn’t want to know that every night I prayed to God to take me away from the pain
He was the one
my only one

I lost the only one
When I lost my one
I lost a future
I lost the man to walk me down the aisle
I lost my child knowing my one
I lost a part of myself
I lost the only one
My one

@Phire Free 2011

Pregnancy companion

(Refreshing sigh....) 

For anyone that is not up to speed, I am pregnant.  VERY pregnant.  I have survived the first two trimesters and am now at the top of my third.  More importantly, I should say that my little girl has survived the first two trimesters.  

For the last 28 weeks, I have been adjusting to having a constant companion that I am responsible for keeping safe and protected.  In the first 14 to 15 weeks it became a question for me as to whether the changes that I knew were coming were real.  Acceptance of my pregnancy was slow.  

After entering my second trimester, I began to embrace "the Bump", and appreciate the body changes, especially because my breasts had grown and become very sore.  Though I had had ultrasounds and heard that strong healthy heartbeat, the idea of my family growing in numbers, and adding a new person was both exciting and foreign.   

Throughout my second trimester, I found that the medical professionals around me were telling me that I should be feeling movement, but I wasn't feeling movement so easily.  Then over time, foreign feelings became more familiar.  

Toward the end of my second trimester, I began to realize that what was growing inside of me was a real person.  She had a very clear personality.  There would be nights when I was trying to sleep and could feel her little feet walking around my stomach. I thought it was weird, and then it became familiar.  Laying down to sleep was a struggle.  It was hard to try to sleep on one side or the other, and to find a comfortable space for my bump.  Kicks at first were small and little pokes, and they became consistent little jabs to my belly.  Now the jabs have become morning alarms that awaken me to an excited little presence ready to seize the day.  

I am now very comfortable with the movement in my belly.  I have grown to feel very familiar with the little movements of an additional presence in my body.  It's awesome to have this life changing companion with me everyday.  I am comforted by the minor dominance of her being.  How she can regulate and control, and she has not even inhaled air or spoken a word.  I am grateful for this experience, and glad to be able to know it. 

For more writings check out https://longevity.media/learning-how-to-breathe?_ga=2.67071726.1300567630.1501784716-722341519.1500470379

Life's Gifts

Photos by Jessica Nylen Photography

In recent days, I have been able to enjoy the joys of pregnancy.  Yes, I did get married in July of 2016 and it was amazing.  I, at the time, was bloated and stressed, due to many issues that contributed to my body's pressure response system creating additional weight.  I also had some very very bad experiences that led to a complete state -to- state relocation a month and a half before my husband and I got married in our chosen destination of Traverse City, MI.

It all began in the late months of 2015, right after our blessed and beautiful engagement.  I was going to try to find a mid-way spot between the locations of both of our families, so that we could all meet in the middle, and share joy and gaiety.  His mother also stated that she was looking for a mid-way spot that would be good for both families.  In my newly found joy, I believed that her efforts were truly sincere and that she was looking to consider my family as much as the family that was located nearby.  It did not take long, before her updates on locations were getting closer and closer to West Michigan (where they lived, while my family would be traveling from Detroit, East Michigan).  In the mean time, because of my preference to not be completely stressed and overwhelmed on this ONE day that I get to call my own, I wanted to be near water.  I began to look toward Traverse City.  This is around the time that my husband's mother began to make statements like "It's just one day," and "you spend all that money.  It's not worth it."  It began to dawn on me, that this was probably being said with the insistence that it was because, traditionally, it is the groom's side of the wedding's responsibility to pay for the reception and many other wedding expenses.  As his parents had already asked their son whether my mother had given any money toward the wedding.  In this case, I was not pleased with my future mother-in-laws insensitive over stepping, and I was also not pleased with the lack of regard that was shown for  the hopes my husband and I had for our start of a new life together.

At one point I had to ask my husband what he wanted, and what his intentions were in planning our wedding because he had began to parody his mother's words exactly. It had become clear that his mother's repeated words had effected him to such an intense point that I had to inquire as to what he wanted, and I needed him to speak his desires clearly to understand.  Because his mother's words were about her, and no one else.  That was before we had found the destination for our ceremony.  I had to make sure that both, he and I, wanted the same thing.  A memorable experience that allowed us to enjoy time with our loved ones and family in spite of the difficulties that led up to the experience.  We decided to find a place to get married, and to enjoy the process while we did so.  We agreed that our wedding was going to be our last experience in Michigan, and we were going to make it joyful and memorable.  It didn't take long for us to find a reasonably priced venue,perfectly located, and beautiful, and appropriate for our sunset wedding.  The woman that told us about the event was very pleasant and hospitable, her name was Christine and she made the entire experience impeccable.

In this time, my amazing husband and I began to plan a wedding in which his mother felt it necessary to undermine every decision that I made.  While, both his parents insisted on spending time with us regularly, they both also were very passive aggressive in insisting that we live our lives as they preferred of us.  Not as the adults that we had become.  They used micro-aggressions to minimize my hard work and best efforts, and spoke condescendingly about life as though it's easier when a person thinks and acts as they do, because they are white.  As their insistence on influencing our decisions increased, the area of Michigan that we were living in became more and more hostile.

As I began to pick up items for my DIY wedding decorations and planning, my then fiance's mother began to become overwhelmingly overbearing.  His parents would stop by the house when they felt like it, imposing on our time with requests that would range; anywhere from coming in and sitting down for a visit (micro-aggressions included), to picking up my husband because they needed to move heavy equipment. One night, they stopped by.  His mother came into the house, sat down, and we all began to talk.  At some point, she began to raise her voice in a manner of frustration yelling about how we "could get married in Springlake or Grand Haven!" both small nearby towns rife with racial bias and inequality.  Her angry lashing did not seem directed at anyone in particular, but it was enough for his dad to get her coat, and begin to usher her out of the door.  That day made it clear to me that even though this period was supposed to be about the love that my husband and I had, everything was going to be about her until it was made clear that as adults, we have autonomy over our own lives.

Photos by Jessica Nylen Photography

The more we asserted our independence and autonomy, the more they insisted that we needed to think like them. As my husband and I grew up in a different time, with different experiences, we did not see the world the way that his parents did.  Though we did not challenge them, they insisted on challenging us, they also repeatedly did things to my husband that hurt him and made him feel as though he needed to choose between his family or his future wife.  At first, I was cooperative, but when they felt it was acceptable to force he and I to prioritize their wants and needs over our own, it became necessary to remove ourselves from their reach.

We decided that we needed to move, and we had around three months til our wedding.  We planned our wedding, we had our bachelor/bachelorette parties, and we moved forward.  We let his parents know that we were moving.  They met this reality with scrutiny, criticism, mean-spiritedness, and denial.  There were statements like "This is what you're supposed to do...", but they were also joined with condescension or guilt trips for my husband.

When the arrangements for the move were made, they acted supportive, and continued to attempt to lay on the guilt.  When we left, we had challenges, but we were faithful and made it happen. With the support of one of my best friends, we were able to move to North Carolina quickly and smoothly.  I had a job offer, and my husband found a job that gave him the experience that he was seeking.  We had to give ourselves the opportunity to know peace.  When we got to North Carolina, we found it.

Since we left, their erratic behavior has become less disruptive, but disruptive still.  Our relationship has grown, my husband has been able to grow as a person.  We were able to travel back to Michigan, have our sunset ceremony and a lovely reception.  We were able to not only laugh and spend time with our loved ones, but our friends have been touched by our move.  They have spoken uplifting words to us as we continue to journey and find the beauty that life has to offer.

I now know that my husband needed and wanted the freedom and peace that we have found together, but did not know what he needed until he found it.  Now we are expecting, and have experienced many changes that have grown us both.  Sometimes it takes us challenging ourselves to better understand the beauty life has to offer.

Photos by Jessica Nylen Photography

Where have I been for two years?

If anyone follows any of my social media I have an Instagram account @FreePhire, which has followed me through the last two years of my life.  As this blog references, I began this written journey in the middle of a transition. I was transitioning from a youth to an adult, from a girl to a woman, from a fragile weak thinker to a strong, black active speaker.

I have been transitioning from a lady to a wife.  It has included many different changes that I am unsure about, with little sensitivity and curious as to what's next for "us" in our life.  When I started writing about what dating and falling in love was like, I was in love with being "in love".  In fact the constant ups and downs are what drove me to continue to look for the same senseless drama.  When I finally fell in love.  True, gentle, angry, love, it wasn't a sucker punch, it wasn't even a sneak attack.  I will admit, I did not see him coming.  I didn't see any of it coming.

He was young and un-established, beginning a professional career.  He was not superficial about his clothing, in fact he was functional.  He was an "It fits and it's clean, I can wear it" type of guy.  He was anxious and his voice would shake when he spoke to me. It was completely awkward and I liked the fact that there was no pressure, except whenever he opened his mouth.  He would tell a horrible joke that was so bad, all I could do is stare and say "that wasn't funny."  I hated that something about this person made me a "horrid bitch."  I didn't know why I became this person with him. I was so raw and unfiltered.  Not calculated and pre-meditated like with the other guys.  He was cool, but man, what the hell was wrong with me?  Why did he shake so much, and why was he so damn anxious? And wtf would make him want to do this any more!?  I was anxious and I had just vowed to myself that I wasn't going to let it happen any more, NO MORE ANXIETY!

I let him know, and we decided to "hang-out".

It was such a disaster, the whole evening was a disaster. First we couldn't find a place to meet.  It was supposed to be the mall, then a light bulb chimed on while I was driving that explained so clearly that,  "I don't know where the mall is!", then, I suggested the one place that I did know, which I was late to, due to traffic and parking.  When we did finally meet, he gets called out by his dad, because his family is at the table directly behind us.  I know, I spoke about this before because it's been so pivotal over the last few years.  That was the day I met my husband's parents and just like my relationship with them right now, it was intrusive, overstepping established boundaries, and lacking respect for his ability to exert his own independence.  I was so annoyed.

If things couldn't get any worse, we went to an event that had an "ex" of sorts present, and a "possible" (a guy that I had previously 'sized up' and realized that he wasn't going to work for me) who was a feature that night, and here I am, walking in with my younger, "fashionably functional" new beau feeling truly exposed because all three of them, two different area codes, three different stages of my life, two established poets, and me all in a space that felt like it was 2 sq ft.  I couldn't have been more ready to go, but I decided that I was going to support those that traveled and engage in this activity, supporting what I stand for in more ways than one.  I performed my piece, gave my donation, bought myself a drink, and pretty much made the best of it. "Cheers! To this awful experience."

To add insult to injury, all that masculinity and testosterone in one room, I was caught with a dilemma when my new beau left the event early, and I had no one to walk me to my car, so I had to deal with the bros walking behind me drunk and talking loud and reckless, while I walked alone down a dark street. It was also up to me to deal with the random man that felt completely comfortable, walking up on me late at night in an area that I didn't know well, on my own.  Since he didn't have the respect to keep his distance, and purposely blocked my pathway to my car, I politely stepped out of his way and said "excuse me, I have to go!" In a tone that I know sounded truly irritated, I decided that this was the last straw.  I knew this wasn't going to happen again.

I was once again reminded that I was continuously going out of my way, and not finding any respect that I deserved, while minimizing myself for the comfort of the incapable.

Except, I was wrong.

The poets, yeah, they were incapable for me.  They were and still are two of the most egotistical, arrogant human beings that I have ever encountered in my life.  My admiration for them was a reflection of how I refused to see myself, and I chose to find what I considered "goodness" in their ways of being, instead of respecting the integrity and strength in my own.

 I didn't know better because I didn't see myself as better, but my now husband, and then "new beau" was the beginning of a new life.  He saw me as beautiful, and caring.  He put himself through the anxiety of seeing me and spending time with me, because he looked at me through admiration.  He went to the event with a bunch of people he didn't know and watched me perform.  He kept in touch with me, and kept asking me out.  He made plans to spend time with me, and he went above and beyond to establish a relationship. That night he left early so he could get up for work in the morning.  He moved on to a better job, and he began to establish his career.  After I told him that I don't "pay for myself on dates."  He took me out.  I almost cut him loose, and he not only validated my value, but reinforced my frustration and gave me his heart.  My transition isn't over, but my soul searchin' has ended and my ending is not the one I hoped for, but it's definitely better than the one I envisioned.
For the last two years, I have seen life from the perspective of someone that is loved and cared for.

I found love, fell in love and found what I have been seeking, but my transition is not over.  I am now working politically to change the community I am a part of to make the world around me better.  I can do that now because my husband gives me the support I need to make it happen.  Love and growth create the ability to move forward.

A Perspective Twist

I have been away for a long time. Not because I haven't wanted to write about my experiences, but because I have been so busy living and experiencing that my writing can't catch up. I won't be able to remember everything all the time, but I want to remember this.  I have spent so much of my life remembering the pain and the hurt, and now I want to remember the great and the wonderful. 

When I came back to Michigan, I knew what I wanted to happen.  I knew everything that was going to happen.  I knew that I was getting married, and who I was getting married to.  I knew what day and time.  I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I knew that everything was going to work out just fine.  I knew that my worries were few and that I had security. I knew that I would do whatever I had to do to never have to worry like my mother did, to never have to know the same pains and the same hurts.  I knew that I was not going to be defeated by the same hardships.

At least I thought I knew.   What my intuition told me is that Michigan is not for me.  My heart told me to get away, my life has now told me, I am better off elsewhere.

Yes. I was born here.  I have found love here, and I had an artistic network here, I am building a professional network here and learning how to be a person here.  However, that is really hard.  It's hard to be a person among people that in their heart of hearts only want me to feel smaller.

My fiance and I are here and in this together, and together when we go out, people see us and immediately become uncomfortable.  They may not even realize that they have a problem, but when they see us together, we can't ignore it.

In some places there are no issues, we get treated like everyone else and maybe even called "lovebirds", and that is amazing.  We are meant to be together, which is a fairy tale in itself from a woman that comes from a history of domestic violence and abuse.  We bring out the best in each other, even when we're at our worst.  We remind each other of "what's best" and encourage each other through the horrific.  We laugh through everything and enjoy being together.

On the other hand, we go into places and often times people get unwelcoming.  Last Thanksgiving we spent with his family, we went out to eat and all of us spent the entire time together.  When we finally got called to eat after waiting for over an hour, and being told the wait was "40 minutes", as we were all standing waiting to be seated, I was asked if I needed assistance by the waitstaff, as if I was not clearly with the family that I had been with for the entire time.

So often when it is just the two of us going out and spending time together, we find people uncomfortable with our presence.  They seem taken aback that we're out among the masses.  It was the worst when we went around the block from my job to a trendy sushi spot.  It was a restaurant that specialized in japanese cuisine filled with white people, that had no idea what to do when a black woman walked in with a white man.  The host was unnerved and not very welcoming.  Needless to say neither of us will go back.

I wish I could say that these were isolated incidents, but they weren't.  They were common everyday occurrences that stem from personal biases that have built the common norms of the current culture around us. People use words like "diversity", and then use stereotypes and generalizations to frame their everyday experiences with people that are different from them.  Then when a person does not fit the generalized stereotypes, they get overtly uncomfortable and disengaging.  I can say this because as a black woman with an advanced degree and higher education, I can be as open and engaging as anyone else and I still have to deal with prejudices and biases from others.  I understand that prejudice is part of life, but so is change and growth.  The stereotype exists as a starting point, just like an example is made to start off a series of solutions, not every stereotype is going to fit, but it can give an idea of things that can engage a person.

Better yet, eliminate the stereotype all together, and just use basic common courtesy to engage and relate to other people. 

My fiance and I are engaged to be married.  He tells me that I am beautiful, he holds me at night, he makes me laugh, it is a joy to love him. I am planning my wedding and enjoying it.  He makes me feel so passionate about life that I can not put it into words.  I can maybe describe moments, but to describe him, I can only say "thank you" to God for allowing me to know such experiences.

Love does not have a race, and building love with a person already has it's difficulties within the relationship organically.  People's personal issues should not be able to weigh in on two people learning how to be happy together.  I know that many people will immediately believe "that's not me", but I know that I have to take my experiences and things seriously the next time that I notice that I am not as engaging or as welcoming, and I am going to ask myself "what's really going on"?

For more click here: https://theswamp.media/america-needs-more-than-denial-right-now?_ga=2.48753446.1680579839.1502775058-722341519.1500470379

  

From the Strength Within

Photo by Silvine Photography 

I know I have been missing.  I have been having a great time enjoying... being in love. I will start from the beginning, because I would love to read about it again and again.

In February of 2014 I was looking for work, as a model, I was looking to expand my experience and build my body of work to include speaking, performance, and whatever other visual work that I could do.

I was recruited by a photographer, a young man who seemed nice.  He could talk my ear off. He told me about how he was recently married and how he became closer to God and was looking to spread his message through rap music.  Due to my belief in "poetry as prayer" I completely related to what he had shared with me and thought it was cool.  He had recruited me as a model for a video that he wanted to release and he needed a female lead and dancer.  I took the opportunity and followed it.  So included in the details that he gave me, he said he was still looking for a place to shoot the video, but he wasn't sure where.

A few weeks went by and we finally got things arranged, but he told me that we would be at his "boy's" house.  I was slightly annoyed, it was Superbowl Sunday and I was a single lady, I could have totally been drinking at a sports bar and picking up some single men, but I decided to work instead.

I got the necessary information and decided "whatever, dating has been such an excruciating ordeal (See: "WoMan's Search for meaning series)", so taking some time to grow as an entertainer would be smart.

I arrived at this house, despite the obstacles, and when I got there, it was a unique setup.  There was that charming photographer, that talked me into working with him on Superbowl Sunday, and yet another Single Sunday afternoon.

He introduced me to his boy and then they showed me the house.  I did notice that his boy is more of the strong silent type.Throughout the night asked a question or two, but he didn't say much.  A battle rapper, with few words. Observant. He was very hospitable.  He was also the assistant and we spent the whole time working together, talking and so on. When we were done, he also shared his dinner.  He was polite.  Before I left, he gave me his number and we exchanged information.

I hit him up once, and the exchange was short and precise.  I was sure that the night we met was it.

Later, I hit him up again, I let him know I was going to be in the area and invited him to hang.  He didn't remember me, he asked me how I got his number (I know, it's not getting any better, but stay with me. It gets so much better).

So, after an ordeal, we finally met at a spot that we both knew fairly well.  As we were getting seated we walked by a group of people at the table next to ours, and they were like,

"Hey."

Now I didn't know who these people were.  I was actually quite curious as to why he was entertaining them, because the conversation had continued.  The man at the other table, actually got up and came to our table and was like, "Who is this"?

Meanwhile, I was looking at him like... Is everything alright?  I was unsure why this older man was at our table.  I suddenly began to panic, like did this dude skip out on work? Was this a co-worker that was confused and calling him out?! Oh Lord! Did this dude just teeter the line and get caught?!?  We all know how perfect that would be. I can feel my eyes change as I try to keep it together.  I begin thinking if there could be any moment that could perfectly sum up how bad my judgment  had become, this may be it! I begin praying, please don't this be the one!? Right Here! Being seen with the dude that called off work on some b.s and got caught! Which not only did he get caught, but got called out by his co-worker while out with me having dinner!? Really!? Really!?  Yup! It was happening right in front of my face, the story to tell for the rest of my life.  "The Date" that went so bad, it ended before we could even order our drinks!

I could only look at him praying that this worst case scenario was not happening. That I was not on that roll.

Meanwhile, he was frozen.  He was fighting to arrange his thoughts.  Then he was like, "this is strange".  I was amused at his reaction, but not quite sure what all was going on, still hoping that he would be able to put my fear at ease.  He finally sighed and said,

"This is my dad.  This is my family."

I couldn't have been more relieved... and amused. I have never moved so fast to meet new people in my life.  So grateful that these were strangers that I would like to see again, possibly one day, and not be dodging hoping that they don't remember me in that incident with   "dad's former co-worker".  After I was introduced to everyone and he did explain his day which was strange, but nothing I couldn't handle, we sat down and had a meal.

As I have gotten to know him, he has grown to get to know me.  He is a sweet man that is considerate of others and mindful of how he treats those he is close to.  He has made my life change.  As I have been learning to go with the flow, he has provided a place for the flow of life that I can catch.  He has helped me learn to manage my life and supported me through my own growth and changes in my life.  He has been my friend and my lover.  He has taken every chance to meet every challenge and given me a new motivation to find and understand my own challenges.  Now that I have a man that is willing to meet me and go beyond, I have the space to dig within myself and grow better and stronger for him.  Not use my energy on him, but become better for us.  He gives me space to become better and in turn he meets me.  We have done this for a while and I am enamored with him.

I was experiencing the challenges before so that I could grow for him.  Dealing with all of the previous drama and imbalance to become a better woman for a better man.  I had to give myself permission to know a better man, and then accept him.

(Wo)Man's Search for Meaning: Woman I have found!

I chased him.  I decided to "Seize the day" and find who I was.  I opened myself to life and love, and let go! It was exciting, I accepted who I was and dated openly. I allowed myself to understand who I was supposed to be in a relationship.  I decided to "free my being." When I did, I permitted myself to be the woman that I was supposed to be, not the one that I though that everyone wanted me to be, but who I was born to be.

When I set myself free of the expectations placed on me, I realized that pathway set before me was like walking in a lake, it looked like water, and at any point the solid ground below me looked as though it could fall through.  I felt as though, I was walking on glass and the ground was going to shatter under my footsteps, but I decided to move forward and create a new pathway, a solid walkway.

He invited me long distance to meet his mother, I was going to be that way anyway, so staying to meet the mother of the man I had "fallen" so hard for was not a big deal.  While in the distance, I had ran into a snow storm and due to my vehicle's history of not handling well in the snow, I was apprehensive and attempted to make contact with him, which failed.  I waited around until I didn't have a choice, the snow storm had gotten so bad that I was not able to make travels back home safely.  So, I had to find something to do.  I did not hear from him until "bootycall" hours.  In which he told me that he had not tried to contact me and told me a lie that I had figured out was just one in a series of lies.  At this point I had a decision to make, because he wanted to know where I was and pretty much just wanted me in his bed.

I had a choice to make, did I want to continue to chase this fantasy of a reality that had been "inconveniently postponed for a night" or did I need to reach an understanding that this night was the reality.  That he had no intention of introducing me to his mother, and that I had fell pawn to a game of deception that boys play to "win".  At this point I had to recognize that this was my reality.  I had to look at myself and recognize that this man had not committed to me, instead he dangled a carrot of a future relationship and I was the horse knowing that I wanted that $*#!ing carrot. When he recognized that I liked what I was getting and he saw what I was willing to give him, he turned on me like a rogue agent.  He set me up to crush me and he knew what he was doing.  I had to accept that he was not the man "I fell in love with", he wasn't even a man.  He was a boy that had decided to play a game with the wrong lady.  He wanted me to fall hard and lose my sense of self in his lies and deception. He wanted me to crawl to him in a state of helplessness, while accepting his complete disregard, his lack of value for the sacrifices I was willing to make for him.  I knew that I had owed myself much more than that. He was nothing more than a stooge, because he was the butt of this joke and he fed me the punchline.

He contacted me right after I had checked into my hotel room for the night and wanted to know where I was.  I told him; "It's clear that I mean nothing to you"  and that he would never treat his mother like that.  I then set down my bags and went to sing karaoke.  No sense in having a bad night.

While I was waiting to be contacted and was stuck in a horrible snow storm I realized three things:

1. No man that wanted to be a man to me would even chance me putting myself in that situation. A man that loves me wants to protect me and take care of me.  He's not going to play petty mind games and take advantage of what I have to offer, he's going to make sure that I'm always being safe, even when it's annoying to me.
2. I was the one that traveled such a long distance and allowed for it to get to that point. I am also the one that had to put a solid end to it.  His disregard for my safety and well being was a clear indicator of what I was chasing.  I was chasing a falsehood, that euphoria was my Moby Dick; a pathway that had become increasingly destructive and I was not going to chase the very creature of my demise. That deception of what I thought "love" was.  I decided then, that I was done. 
3. I had to accept the gut wrenching truth that though he was a new space of freedom for me, I was nothing to him. He wasn't growing nor evolving.  He was playing.   I didn't even realize that his unhappiness was where he was frozen and he wasn't moving anywhere.  We were stuck in his own mental game of freeze tag and my taps weren't unfreezing him. He only continued to remain frozen. To him we weren't teammates, I was "it" and the directive was to dodge me, not work with me.  I knew that I didn't want that, I wanted a man that understood that even though the world may make him cold, my touch will always be warm enough to keep him moving, I want a man able to move forward. .

I wanted to reflect on my experience because it was a changing point for me.  I realized that he was a new space for me, that I needed for that moment. His capacity to argue his opinions was refreshing.  His unique perspectives and bold statements were intriguing.  What I built with him was provocative. It was new and exciting.  He came into my life for a reason and when he ended it the second time, his time was up.  I have learned that when a person shows me who they are the first time, I believe it.   I will say that though my awakening was cruel, I am glad that I learned the lesson.  I know now that a man that wants me is going to put his best forward and be serious from the beginning.  He is going to be ready to create that solid pathway with me.  I'm ready for him and the life that we will build together, and this experience gave me a piece of that.

Life's Companionship

I've lost myself

though I've found myself

lost in brown skin

brown eyes

joyful laughter

life's realities

I've lost myself

while I've found myself 

touched through the anguish of 

being taken for granted by so many

yet truly appreciated by so few

made triumphant again and again by life's debtors

Giving value and understanding to being used

I've lost myself 

to your growth and understanding

lost myself to the options that you choose

and though I know that now loss leaves confusion

I know that deception has been refused

I know that because I found myself

You can find what you are seeking

Because I've found myself, you're love is truth

I own what's sought through life that I am speaking 

Foundation is in knowledge and wisdom learned from lacking in my youth.

In feeling that you've lost yourself

You've only been rebuilt to offer new 

Love yourself loving others

Give to life to find what's true

Lose yourself in life's joyful wonders

For there are many, we often experience so few

Lose yourself, see life's precious colors

You'll be surprised at those who find themselves in you.

© Phire Free 2013

(Wo)man's search for meaning: The Love within

Time passed, and the next thing I knew, I was exposed to him more and more.  And it complemented me, I went from heartache to new aspirations, so I embraced it.  And then new aspirations were inspiration, so I followed it.  And we were talking again.  He allowed for it, and then I unloaded.  I had to, it was pining at me.  The emotion and the distraught, and he was intrigued.  So, we decided he could come and visit me.  And My world changed again.  He arrived and it was kismet, again.  We spent the evening the way he wanted to.  We walked around and hung out.  We made each other laugh.  We talked and joked and shared intimate details about ourselves.  When he kissed me.  Just being around him made my mind, body, and soul "get lost" in a whirlwind of serene, open, electrifying energy.  When his lips touched mine I was floating.  My entire body lifted off of the ground and time stopped.  It was just us and my internal sweet little girl.  There was nothing else and nothing else mattered. It was like we were now in a place where space and time collided, coming together in an imploding explosion that left the two of us together to build whatever world we wanted.  The universe was ours to mold as we saw fit.

He came again and the second time was better than the first, I knew this time that he was taking me seriously. At least, I thought I knew.  In fact had started taking myself seriously.  I had put it into perspective, the wit, the conversation.  It was right. It was what I had been looking for.  It was what I had needed.  He embodied the Serenity, tranquility, open-mindedness, wit, and compassionate understanding that took me where I wanted to go.  He fed me.  He was intrigued, not because I was so "weird", but because I was familiar.  He didn't wander down a path following my train of thought and get lost.   I finally found a man that could follow the complexity of my mind, and expand or reverse thought.  Our relationship spoiled me.  We could talk like I wanted to, when it came to a few things he could and would go over my head.  I would lose myself in his ability to break things down to such a deep and thoughtful level, in fact, I was turned on by it.  He kept me prepared for the pounce.

I found myself fully engaged, flexible and ready to bend my way of thinking into new and untouched angles.  Always up for a new way to see the old from his perspective lens.  Just bouncing my thoughts off of his gave me energy and desire to twist together new outcomes.   His insight into his own process of growth through the years created a space for me to appreciate what interpretations he had to offer.  I grew hungry for more nights of deep and meaningful translations of what life had become.  He fed me in a way that no one ever had before.  It was my relationship with him that made me realize that I had been starved for too long.  Looking for, longing for, and loving the unique vantage point that he had brought to my being.

He was dynamic and capable.  He was reflective, not only of how he felt he was great, but what he felt he could do better.  Finally!!! Finally someone who wouldn't allow a persona of arrogance to block the beauty of growing passed mistakes.  I had finally seen a man that had learned to embrace the process of growing from mistakes.  Small or large, the opportunity for growth is exactly that.  He was perfectly imperfect.  The appropriate combination of everything, arrogant enough to be confident in himself, yet aware enough to know his own imperfections and appreciate who he "was".  The best part was that when he looked at me he saw me as who I was.  "Bossy".  The best compliment that I had gotten.  A man that saw me as a woman that he wanted to give to equally.  A man prepared for the joyride of a sister "that's getting her's."  A man, that in the depth of his soul could plant a seed so fruitful, he nourished the tree back to full health and set in motion the re-planting.  I gave him fruit, he not only ate, but he gave back, he gave water, but more importantly, he shined light.  He began the process of photosynthesis, he gave me light, and I gave him oxygen, and whatever resources he could use.  It was an exchange of nature, his light for my air.  His nourishment for mine.  Equally yolked, so I thought.  There were parts he was much better at than I, and there were parts that I had the lead in.

So imagine my surprise when he did it again.  This time it wasn't just disappointing.  It had hurt.

When he left, we had a fight.  It was the most intriguing exchange of frustration I had ever been a part of.  I called him out, and he gave it back to me.  We went back and forth and we both were agitated.  I think I knew at that moment that I was all in... actually I am sure I knew the night before.  Him on the other hand, I  still don't know what his hold up was or is.  He had an issue with everything. Anyway, I fell in love with him.  And then he broke it off with me, two days before I was supposed to go visit him.  Once again my heart shattered.  So, I chose to do me.  In which... he... didn't go anywhere.

I lost myself chasing this illusion of what I needed.