If anyone follows any of my social media I have an Instagram account @FreePhire, which has followed me through the last two years of my life. As this blog references, I began this written journey in the middle of a transition. I was transitioning from a youth to an adult, from a girl to a woman, from a fragile weak thinker to a strong, black active speaker.
I have been transitioning from a lady to a wife. It has included many different changes that I am unsure about, with little sensitivity and curious as to what's next for "us" in our life. When I started writing about what dating and falling in love was like, I was in love with being "in love". In fact the constant ups and downs are what drove me to continue to look for the same senseless drama. When I finally fell in love. True, gentle, angry, love, it wasn't a sucker punch, it wasn't even a sneak attack. I will admit, I did not see him coming. I didn't see any of it coming.
He was young and un-established, beginning a professional career. He was not superficial about his clothing, in fact he was functional. He was an "It fits and it's clean, I can wear it" type of guy. He was anxious and his voice would shake when he spoke to me. It was completely awkward and I liked the fact that there was no pressure, except whenever he opened his mouth. He would tell a horrible joke that was so bad, all I could do is stare and say "that wasn't funny." I hated that something about this person made me a "horrid bitch." I didn't know why I became this person with him. I was so raw and unfiltered. Not calculated and pre-meditated like with the other guys. He was cool, but man, what the hell was wrong with me? Why did he shake so much, and why was he so damn anxious? And wtf would make him want to do this any more!? I was anxious and I had just vowed to myself that I wasn't going to let it happen any more, NO MORE ANXIETY!
I let him know, and we decided to "hang-out".
It was such a disaster, the whole evening was a disaster. First we couldn't find a place to meet. It was supposed to be the mall, then a light bulb chimed on while I was driving that explained so clearly that, "I don't know where the mall is!", then, I suggested the one place that I did know, which I was late to, due to traffic and parking. When we did finally meet, he gets called out by his dad, because his family is at the table directly behind us. I know, I spoke about this before because it's been so pivotal over the last few years. That was the day I met my husband's parents and just like my relationship with them right now, it was intrusive, overstepping established boundaries, and lacking respect for his ability to exert his own independence. I was so annoyed.
If things couldn't get any worse, we went to an event that had an "ex" of sorts present, and a "possible" (a guy that I had previously 'sized up' and realized that he wasn't going to work for me) who was a feature that night, and here I am, walking in with my younger, "fashionably functional" new beau feeling truly exposed because all three of them, two different area codes, three different stages of my life, two established poets, and me all in a space that felt like it was 2 sq ft. I couldn't have been more ready to go, but I decided that I was going to support those that traveled and engage in this activity, supporting what I stand for in more ways than one. I performed my piece, gave my donation, bought myself a drink, and pretty much made the best of it. "Cheers! To this awful experience."
To add insult to injury, all that masculinity and testosterone in one room, I was caught with a dilemma when my new beau left the event early, and I had no one to walk me to my car, so I had to deal with the bros walking behind me drunk and talking loud and reckless, while I walked alone down a dark street. It was also up to me to deal with the random man that felt completely comfortable, walking up on me late at night in an area that I didn't know well, on my own. Since he didn't have the respect to keep his distance, and purposely blocked my pathway to my car, I politely stepped out of his way and said "excuse me, I have to go!" In a tone that I know sounded truly irritated, I decided that this was the last straw. I knew this wasn't going to happen again.
I was once again reminded that I was continuously going out of my way, and not finding any respect that I deserved, while minimizing myself for the comfort of the incapable.
Except, I was wrong.
The poets, yeah, they were incapable for me. They were and still are two of the most egotistical, arrogant human beings that I have ever encountered in my life. My admiration for them was a reflection of how I refused to see myself, and I chose to find what I considered "goodness" in their ways of being, instead of respecting the integrity and strength in my own.
I didn't know better because I didn't see myself as better, but my now husband, and then "new beau" was the beginning of a new life. He saw me as beautiful, and caring. He put himself through the anxiety of seeing me and spending time with me, because he looked at me through admiration. He went to the event with a bunch of people he didn't know and watched me perform. He kept in touch with me, and kept asking me out. He made plans to spend time with me, and he went above and beyond to establish a relationship. That night he left early so he could get up for work in the morning. He moved on to a better job, and he began to establish his career. After I told him that I don't "pay for myself on dates." He took me out. I almost cut him loose, and he not only validated my value, but reinforced my frustration and gave me his heart. My transition isn't over, but my soul searchin' has ended and my ending is not the one I hoped for, but it's definitely better than the one I envisioned.
For the last two years, I have seen life from the perspective of someone that is loved and cared for.
I found love, fell in love and found what I have been seeking, but my transition is not over. I am now working politically to change the community I am a part of to make the world around me better. I can do that now because my husband gives me the support I need to make it happen. Love and growth create the ability to move forward.
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Thursday, March 17, 2016
A Perspective Twist
I have been away for a long time. Not because I haven't wanted to write about my experiences, but because I have been so busy living and experiencing that my writing can't catch up. I won't be able to remember everything all the time, but I want to remember this. I have spent so much of my life remembering the pain and the hurt, and now I want to remember the great and the wonderful.
When I came back to Michigan, I knew what I wanted to happen. I knew everything that was going to happen. I knew that I was getting married, and who I was getting married to. I knew what day and time. I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I knew that everything was going to work out just fine. I knew that my worries were few and that I had security. I knew that I would do whatever I had to do to never have to worry like my mother did, to never have to know the same pains and the same hurts. I knew that I was not going to be defeated by the same hardships.
At least I thought I knew. What my intuition told me is that Michigan is not for me. My heart told me to get away, my life has now told me, I am better off elsewhere.
Yes. I was born here. I have found love here, and I had an artistic network here, I am building a professional network here and learning how to be a person here. However, that is really hard. It's hard to be a person among people that in their heart of hearts only want me to feel smaller.
My fiance and I are here and in this together, and together when we go out, people see us and immediately become uncomfortable. They may not even realize that they have a problem, but when they see us together, we can't ignore it.
In some places there are no issues, we get treated like everyone else and maybe even called "lovebirds", and that is amazing. We are meant to be together, which is a fairy tale in itself from a woman that comes from a history of domestic violence and abuse. We bring out the best in each other, even when we're at our worst. We remind each other of "what's best" and encourage each other through the horrific. We laugh through everything and enjoy being together.
On the other hand, we go into places and often times people get unwelcoming. Last Thanksgiving we spent with his family, we went out to eat and all of us spent the entire time together. When we finally got called to eat after waiting for over an hour, and being told the wait was "40 minutes", as we were all standing waiting to be seated, I was asked if I needed assistance by the waitstaff, as if I was not clearly with the family that I had been with for the entire time.
So often when it is just the two of us going out and spending time together, we find people uncomfortable with our presence. They seem taken aback that we're out among the masses. It was the worst when we went around the block from my job to a trendy sushi spot. It was a restaurant that specialized in japanese cuisine filled with white people, that had no idea what to do when a black woman walked in with a white man. The host was unnerved and not very welcoming. Needless to say neither of us will go back.
I wish I could say that these were isolated incidents, but they weren't. They were common everyday occurrences that stem from personal biases that have built the common norms of the current culture around us. People use words like "diversity", and then use stereotypes and generalizations to frame their everyday experiences with people that are different from them. Then when a person does not fit the generalized stereotypes, they get overtly uncomfortable and disengaging. I can say this because as a black woman with an advanced degree and higher education, I can be as open and engaging as anyone else and I still have to deal with prejudices and biases from others. I understand that prejudice is part of life, but so is change and growth. The stereotype exists as a starting point, just like an example is made to start off a series of solutions, not every stereotype is going to fit, but it can give an idea of things that can engage a person.
Better yet, eliminate the stereotype all together, and just use basic common courtesy to engage and relate to other people.
My fiance and I are engaged to be married. He tells me that I am beautiful, he holds me at night, he makes me laugh, it is a joy to love him. I am planning my wedding and enjoying it. He makes me feel so passionate about life that I can not put it into words. I can maybe describe moments, but to describe him, I can only say "thank you" to God for allowing me to know such experiences.
Love does not have a race, and building love with a person already has it's difficulties within the relationship organically. People's personal issues should not be able to weigh in on two people learning how to be happy together. I know that many people will immediately believe "that's not me", but I know that I have to take my experiences and things seriously the next time that I notice that I am not as engaging or as welcoming, and I am going to ask myself "what's really going on"?
For more click here: https://theswamp.media/america-needs-more-than-denial-right-now?_ga=2.48753446.1680579839.1502775058-722341519.1500470379
When I came back to Michigan, I knew what I wanted to happen. I knew everything that was going to happen. I knew that I was getting married, and who I was getting married to. I knew what day and time. I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I knew that everything was going to work out just fine. I knew that my worries were few and that I had security. I knew that I would do whatever I had to do to never have to worry like my mother did, to never have to know the same pains and the same hurts. I knew that I was not going to be defeated by the same hardships.
At least I thought I knew. What my intuition told me is that Michigan is not for me. My heart told me to get away, my life has now told me, I am better off elsewhere.
Yes. I was born here. I have found love here, and I had an artistic network here, I am building a professional network here and learning how to be a person here. However, that is really hard. It's hard to be a person among people that in their heart of hearts only want me to feel smaller.
My fiance and I are here and in this together, and together when we go out, people see us and immediately become uncomfortable. They may not even realize that they have a problem, but when they see us together, we can't ignore it.
In some places there are no issues, we get treated like everyone else and maybe even called "lovebirds", and that is amazing. We are meant to be together, which is a fairy tale in itself from a woman that comes from a history of domestic violence and abuse. We bring out the best in each other, even when we're at our worst. We remind each other of "what's best" and encourage each other through the horrific. We laugh through everything and enjoy being together.
On the other hand, we go into places and often times people get unwelcoming. Last Thanksgiving we spent with his family, we went out to eat and all of us spent the entire time together. When we finally got called to eat after waiting for over an hour, and being told the wait was "40 minutes", as we were all standing waiting to be seated, I was asked if I needed assistance by the waitstaff, as if I was not clearly with the family that I had been with for the entire time.
So often when it is just the two of us going out and spending time together, we find people uncomfortable with our presence. They seem taken aback that we're out among the masses. It was the worst when we went around the block from my job to a trendy sushi spot. It was a restaurant that specialized in japanese cuisine filled with white people, that had no idea what to do when a black woman walked in with a white man. The host was unnerved and not very welcoming. Needless to say neither of us will go back.
I wish I could say that these were isolated incidents, but they weren't. They were common everyday occurrences that stem from personal biases that have built the common norms of the current culture around us. People use words like "diversity", and then use stereotypes and generalizations to frame their everyday experiences with people that are different from them. Then when a person does not fit the generalized stereotypes, they get overtly uncomfortable and disengaging. I can say this because as a black woman with an advanced degree and higher education, I can be as open and engaging as anyone else and I still have to deal with prejudices and biases from others. I understand that prejudice is part of life, but so is change and growth. The stereotype exists as a starting point, just like an example is made to start off a series of solutions, not every stereotype is going to fit, but it can give an idea of things that can engage a person.
Better yet, eliminate the stereotype all together, and just use basic common courtesy to engage and relate to other people.
My fiance and I are engaged to be married. He tells me that I am beautiful, he holds me at night, he makes me laugh, it is a joy to love him. I am planning my wedding and enjoying it. He makes me feel so passionate about life that I can not put it into words. I can maybe describe moments, but to describe him, I can only say "thank you" to God for allowing me to know such experiences.
Love does not have a race, and building love with a person already has it's difficulties within the relationship organically. People's personal issues should not be able to weigh in on two people learning how to be happy together. I know that many people will immediately believe "that's not me", but I know that I have to take my experiences and things seriously the next time that I notice that I am not as engaging or as welcoming, and I am going to ask myself "what's really going on"?
For more click here: https://theswamp.media/america-needs-more-than-denial-right-now?_ga=2.48753446.1680579839.1502775058-722341519.1500470379
Thursday, April 2, 2015
From the Strength Within
Photo by Silvine Photography
I know I have been missing. I have been having a great time enjoying... being in love. I will start from the beginning, because I would love to read about it again and again.
In February of 2014 I was looking for work, as a model, I was looking to expand my experience and build my body of work to include speaking, performance, and whatever other visual work that I could do.
I was recruited by a photographer, a young man who seemed nice. He could talk my ear off. He told me about how he was recently married and how he became closer to God and was looking to spread his message through rap music. Due to my belief in "poetry as prayer" I completely related to what he had shared with me and thought it was cool. He had recruited me as a model for a video that he wanted to release and he needed a female lead and dancer. I took the opportunity and followed it. So included in the details that he gave me, he said he was still looking for a place to shoot the video, but he wasn't sure where.
A few weeks went by and we finally got things arranged, but he told me that we would be at his "boy's" house. I was slightly annoyed, it was Superbowl Sunday and I was a single lady, I could have totally been drinking at a sports bar and picking up some single men, but I decided to work instead.
I got the necessary information and decided "whatever, dating has been such an excruciating ordeal (See: "WoMan's Search for meaning series)", so taking some time to grow as an entertainer would be smart.
I arrived at this house, despite the obstacles, and when I got there, it was a unique setup. There was that charming photographer, that talked me into working with him on Superbowl Sunday, and yet another Single Sunday afternoon.
He introduced me to his boy and then they showed me the house. I did notice that his boy is more of the strong silent type.Throughout the night asked a question or two, but he didn't say much. A battle rapper, with few words. Observant. He was very hospitable. He was also the assistant and we spent the whole time working together, talking and so on. When we were done, he also shared his dinner. He was polite. Before I left, he gave me his number and we exchanged information.
I hit him up once, and the exchange was short and precise. I was sure that the night we met was it.
Later, I hit him up again, I let him know I was going to be in the area and invited him to hang. He didn't remember me, he asked me how I got his number (I know, it's not getting any better, but stay with me. It gets so much better).
So, after an ordeal, we finally met at a spot that we both knew fairly well. As we were getting seated we walked by a group of people at the table next to ours, and they were like,
"Hey."
Now I didn't know who these people were. I was actually quite curious as to why he was entertaining them, because the conversation had continued. The man at the other table, actually got up and came to our table and was like, "Who is this"?
Meanwhile, I was looking at him like... Is everything alright? I was unsure why this older man was at our table. I suddenly began to panic, like did this dude skip out on work? Was this a co-worker that was confused and calling him out?! Oh Lord! Did this dude just teeter the line and get caught?!? We all know how perfect that would be. I can feel my eyes change as I try to keep it together. I begin thinking if there could be any moment that could perfectly sum up how bad my judgment had become, this may be it! I begin praying, please don't this be the one!? Right Here! Being seen with the dude that called off work on some b.s and got caught! Which not only did he get caught, but got called out by his co-worker while out with me having dinner!? Really!? Really!? Yup! It was happening right in front of my face, the story to tell for the rest of my life. "The Date" that went so bad, it ended before we could even order our drinks!
I could only look at him praying that this worst case scenario was not happening. That I was not on that roll.
Meanwhile, he was frozen. He was fighting to arrange his thoughts. Then he was like, "this is strange". I was amused at his reaction, but not quite sure what all was going on, still hoping that he would be able to put my fear at ease. He finally sighed and said,
"This is my dad. This is my family."
I couldn't have been more relieved... and amused. I have never moved so fast to meet new people in my life. So grateful that these were strangers that I would like to see again, possibly one day, and not be dodging hoping that they don't remember me in that incident with "dad's former co-worker". After I was introduced to everyone and he did explain his day which was strange, but nothing I couldn't handle, we sat down and had a meal.
As I have gotten to know him, he has grown to get to know me. He is a sweet man that is considerate of others and mindful of how he treats those he is close to. He has made my life change. As I have been learning to go with the flow, he has provided a place for the flow of life that I can catch. He has helped me learn to manage my life and supported me through my own growth and changes in my life. He has been my friend and my lover. He has taken every chance to meet every challenge and given me a new motivation to find and understand my own challenges. Now that I have a man that is willing to meet me and go beyond, I have the space to dig within myself and grow better and stronger for him. Not use my energy on him, but become better for us. He gives me space to become better and in turn he meets me. We have done this for a while and I am enamored with him.
I was experiencing the challenges before so that I could grow for him. Dealing with all of the previous drama and imbalance to become a better woman for a better man. I had to give myself permission to know a better man, and then accept him.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
(Wo)Man's Search for Meaning: Woman I have found!
I chased him. I decided to "Seize the day" and find who I was. I opened myself to life and love, and let go! It was exciting, I accepted who I was and dated openly. I allowed myself to understand who I was supposed to be in a relationship. I decided to "free my being." When I did, I permitted myself to be the woman that I was supposed to be, not the one that I though that everyone wanted me to be, but who I was born to be.
When I set myself free of the expectations placed on me, I realized that pathway set before me was like walking in a lake, it looked like water, and at any point the solid ground below me looked as though it could fall through. I felt as though, I was walking on glass and the ground was going to shatter under my footsteps, but I decided to move forward and create a new pathway, a solid walkway.
He invited me long distance to meet his mother, I was going to be that way anyway, so staying to meet the mother of the man I had "fallen" so hard for was not a big deal. While in the distance, I had ran into a snow storm and due to my vehicle's history of not handling well in the snow, I was apprehensive and attempted to make contact with him, which failed. I waited around until I didn't have a choice, the snow storm had gotten so bad that I was not able to make travels back home safely. So, I had to find something to do. I did not hear from him until "bootycall" hours. In which he told me that he had not tried to contact me and told me a lie that I had figured out was just one in a series of lies. At this point I had a decision to make, because he wanted to know where I was and pretty much just wanted me in his bed.
I had a choice to make, did I want to continue to chase this fantasy of a reality that had been "inconveniently postponed for a night" or did I need to reach an understanding that this night was the reality. That he had no intention of introducing me to his mother, and that I had fell pawn to a game of deception that boys play to "win". At this point I had to recognize that this was my reality. I had to look at myself and recognize that this man had not committed to me, instead he dangled a carrot of a future relationship and I was the horse knowing that I wanted that $*#!ing carrot. When he recognized that I liked what I was getting and he saw what I was willing to give him, he turned on me like a rogue agent. He set me up to crush me and he knew what he was doing. I had to accept that he was not the man "I fell in love with", he wasn't even a man. He was a boy that had decided to play a game with the wrong lady. He wanted me to fall hard and lose my sense of self in his lies and deception. He wanted me to crawl to him in a state of helplessness, while accepting his complete disregard, his lack of value for the sacrifices I was willing to make for him. I knew that I had owed myself much more than that. He was nothing more than a stooge, because he was the butt of this joke and he fed me the punchline.
He contacted me right after I had checked into my hotel room for the night and wanted to know where I was. I told him; "It's clear that I mean nothing to you" and that he would never treat his mother like that. I then set down my bags and went to sing karaoke. No sense in having a bad night.
While I was waiting to be contacted and was stuck in a horrible snow storm I realized three things:
When I set myself free of the expectations placed on me, I realized that pathway set before me was like walking in a lake, it looked like water, and at any point the solid ground below me looked as though it could fall through. I felt as though, I was walking on glass and the ground was going to shatter under my footsteps, but I decided to move forward and create a new pathway, a solid walkway.
He invited me long distance to meet his mother, I was going to be that way anyway, so staying to meet the mother of the man I had "fallen" so hard for was not a big deal. While in the distance, I had ran into a snow storm and due to my vehicle's history of not handling well in the snow, I was apprehensive and attempted to make contact with him, which failed. I waited around until I didn't have a choice, the snow storm had gotten so bad that I was not able to make travels back home safely. So, I had to find something to do. I did not hear from him until "bootycall" hours. In which he told me that he had not tried to contact me and told me a lie that I had figured out was just one in a series of lies. At this point I had a decision to make, because he wanted to know where I was and pretty much just wanted me in his bed.
I had a choice to make, did I want to continue to chase this fantasy of a reality that had been "inconveniently postponed for a night" or did I need to reach an understanding that this night was the reality. That he had no intention of introducing me to his mother, and that I had fell pawn to a game of deception that boys play to "win". At this point I had to recognize that this was my reality. I had to look at myself and recognize that this man had not committed to me, instead he dangled a carrot of a future relationship and I was the horse knowing that I wanted that $*#!ing carrot. When he recognized that I liked what I was getting and he saw what I was willing to give him, he turned on me like a rogue agent. He set me up to crush me and he knew what he was doing. I had to accept that he was not the man "I fell in love with", he wasn't even a man. He was a boy that had decided to play a game with the wrong lady. He wanted me to fall hard and lose my sense of self in his lies and deception. He wanted me to crawl to him in a state of helplessness, while accepting his complete disregard, his lack of value for the sacrifices I was willing to make for him. I knew that I had owed myself much more than that. He was nothing more than a stooge, because he was the butt of this joke and he fed me the punchline.
While I was waiting to be contacted and was stuck in a horrible snow storm I realized three things:
- No man that wanted to be a man to me would even chance me putting myself in that situation. A man that loves me wants to protect me and take care of me. He's not going to play petty mind games and take advantage of what I have to offer, he's going to make sure that I'm always being safe, even when it's annoying to me.
- I was the one that traveled such a long distance and allowed for it to get to that point. I am also the one that had to put a solid end to it. His disregard for my safety and well being was a clear indicator of what I was chasing. I was chasing a falsehood, that euphoria was my Moby Dick; a pathway that had become increasingly destructive and I was not going to chase the very creature of my demise. That deception of what I thought "love" was. I decided then, that I was done.
- I had to accept the gut wrenching truth that though he was a new space of freedom for me, I was nothing to him. He wasn't growing nor evolving. He was playing. I didn't even realize that his unhappiness was where he was frozen and he wasn't moving anywhere. We were stuck in his own mental game of freeze tag and my taps weren't unfreezing him. He only continued to remain frozen. To him we weren't teammates, I was "it" and the directive was to dodge me, not work with me. I knew that I didn't want that, I wanted a man that understood that even though the world may make him cold, my touch will always be warm enough to keep him moving, I want a man able to move forward. .
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Life's Companionship
I've lost myself
though I've found myself
lost in brown skin
brown eyes
joyful laughter
life's realities
I've lost myself
while I've found myself
touched through the anguish of
being taken for granted by so many
yet truly appreciated by so few
made triumphant again and again by life's debtors
Giving value and understanding to being used
I've lost myself
to your growth and understanding
lost myself to the options that you choose
and though I know that now loss leaves confusion
I know that deception has been refused
I know that because I found myself
You can find what you are seeking
Because I've found myself, you're love is truth
I own what's sought through life that I am speaking
Foundation is in knowledge and wisdom learned from lacking in my youth.
In feeling that you've lost yourself
You've only been rebuilt to offer new
Love yourself loving others
Give to life to find what's true
Lose yourself in life's joyful wonders
For there are many, we often experience so few
Lose yourself, see life's precious colors
You'll be surprised at those who find themselves in you.
© Phire Free 2013
(Wo)man's search for meaning: The Love within
Time passed, and the next thing I knew, I was exposed to him more and more. And it complemented me, I went from heartache to new aspirations, so I embraced it. And then new aspirations were inspiration, so I followed it. And we were talking again. He allowed for it, and then I unloaded. I had to, it was pining at me. The emotion and the distraught, and he was intrigued. So, we decided he could come and visit me. And My world changed again. He arrived and it was kismet, again. We spent the evening the way he wanted to. We walked around and hung out. We made each other laugh. We talked and joked and shared intimate details about ourselves. When he kissed me. Just being around him made my mind, body, and soul "get lost" in a whirlwind of serene, open, electrifying energy. When his lips touched mine I was floating. My entire body lifted off of the ground and time stopped. It was just us and my internal sweet little girl. There was nothing else and nothing else mattered. It was like we were now in a place where space and time collided, coming together in an imploding explosion that left the two of us together to build whatever world we wanted. The universe was ours to mold as we saw fit.
He came again and the second time was better than the first, I knew this time that he was taking me seriously. At least, I thought I knew. In fact had started taking myself seriously. I had put it into perspective, the wit, the conversation. It was right. It was what I had been looking for. It was what I had needed. He embodied the Serenity, tranquility, open-mindedness, wit, and compassionate understanding that took me where I wanted to go. He fed me. He was intrigued, not because I was so "weird", but because I was familiar. He didn't wander down a path following my train of thought and get lost. I finally found a man that could follow the complexity of my mind, and expand or reverse thought. Our relationship spoiled me. We could talk like I wanted to, when it came to a few things he could and would go over my head. I would lose myself in his ability to break things down to such a deep and thoughtful level, in fact, I was turned on by it. He kept me prepared for the pounce.
I found myself fully engaged, flexible and ready to bend my way of thinking into new and untouched angles. Always up for a new way to see the old from his perspective lens. Just bouncing my thoughts off of his gave me energy and desire to twist together new outcomes. His insight into his own process of growth through the years created a space for me to appreciate what interpretations he had to offer. I grew hungry for more nights of deep and meaningful translations of what life had become. He fed me in a way that no one ever had before. It was my relationship with him that made me realize that I had been starved for too long. Looking for, longing for, and loving the unique vantage point that he had brought to my being.
He was dynamic and capable. He was reflective, not only of how he felt he was great, but what he felt he could do better. Finally!!! Finally someone who wouldn't allow a persona of arrogance to block the beauty of growing passed mistakes. I had finally seen a man that had learned to embrace the process of growing from mistakes. Small or large, the opportunity for growth is exactly that. He was perfectly imperfect. The appropriate combination of everything, arrogant enough to be confident in himself, yet aware enough to know his own imperfections and appreciate who he "was". The best part was that when he looked at me he saw me as who I was. "Bossy". The best compliment that I had gotten. A man that saw me as a woman that he wanted to give to equally. A man prepared for the joyride of a sister "that's getting her's." A man, that in the depth of his soul could plant a seed so fruitful, he nourished the tree back to full health and set in motion the re-planting. I gave him fruit, he not only ate, but he gave back, he gave water, but more importantly, he shined light. He began the process of photosynthesis, he gave me light, and I gave him oxygen, and whatever resources he could use. It was an exchange of nature, his light for my air. His nourishment for mine. Equally yolked, so I thought. There were parts he was much better at than I, and there were parts that I had the lead in.
So imagine my surprise when he did it again. This time it wasn't just disappointing. It had hurt.
When he left, we had a fight. It was the most intriguing exchange of frustration I had ever been a part of. I called him out, and he gave it back to me. We went back and forth and we both were agitated. I think I knew at that moment that I was all in... actually I am sure I knew the night before. Him on the other hand, I still don't know what his hold up was or is. He had an issue with everything. Anyway, I fell in love with him. And then he broke it off with me, two days before I was supposed to go visit him. Once again my heart shattered. So, I chose to do me. In which... he... didn't go anywhere.
I lost myself chasing this illusion of what I needed.
He came again and the second time was better than the first, I knew this time that he was taking me seriously. At least, I thought I knew. In fact had started taking myself seriously. I had put it into perspective, the wit, the conversation. It was right. It was what I had been looking for. It was what I had needed. He embodied the Serenity, tranquility, open-mindedness, wit, and compassionate understanding that took me where I wanted to go. He fed me. He was intrigued, not because I was so "weird", but because I was familiar. He didn't wander down a path following my train of thought and get lost. I finally found a man that could follow the complexity of my mind, and expand or reverse thought. Our relationship spoiled me. We could talk like I wanted to, when it came to a few things he could and would go over my head. I would lose myself in his ability to break things down to such a deep and thoughtful level, in fact, I was turned on by it. He kept me prepared for the pounce.
I found myself fully engaged, flexible and ready to bend my way of thinking into new and untouched angles. Always up for a new way to see the old from his perspective lens. Just bouncing my thoughts off of his gave me energy and desire to twist together new outcomes. His insight into his own process of growth through the years created a space for me to appreciate what interpretations he had to offer. I grew hungry for more nights of deep and meaningful translations of what life had become. He fed me in a way that no one ever had before. It was my relationship with him that made me realize that I had been starved for too long. Looking for, longing for, and loving the unique vantage point that he had brought to my being.
He was dynamic and capable. He was reflective, not only of how he felt he was great, but what he felt he could do better. Finally!!! Finally someone who wouldn't allow a persona of arrogance to block the beauty of growing passed mistakes. I had finally seen a man that had learned to embrace the process of growing from mistakes. Small or large, the opportunity for growth is exactly that. He was perfectly imperfect. The appropriate combination of everything, arrogant enough to be confident in himself, yet aware enough to know his own imperfections and appreciate who he "was". The best part was that when he looked at me he saw me as who I was. "Bossy". The best compliment that I had gotten. A man that saw me as a woman that he wanted to give to equally. A man prepared for the joyride of a sister "that's getting her's." A man, that in the depth of his soul could plant a seed so fruitful, he nourished the tree back to full health and set in motion the re-planting. I gave him fruit, he not only ate, but he gave back, he gave water, but more importantly, he shined light. He began the process of photosynthesis, he gave me light, and I gave him oxygen, and whatever resources he could use. It was an exchange of nature, his light for my air. His nourishment for mine. Equally yolked, so I thought. There were parts he was much better at than I, and there were parts that I had the lead in.
So imagine my surprise when he did it again. This time it wasn't just disappointing. It had hurt.
When he left, we had a fight. It was the most intriguing exchange of frustration I had ever been a part of. I called him out, and he gave it back to me. We went back and forth and we both were agitated. I think I knew at that moment that I was all in... actually I am sure I knew the night before. Him on the other hand, I still don't know what his hold up was or is. He had an issue with everything. Anyway, I fell in love with him. And then he broke it off with me, two days before I was supposed to go visit him. Once again my heart shattered. So, I chose to do me. In which... he... didn't go anywhere.
I lost myself chasing this illusion of what I needed.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
(Wo)Man's search for meaning: My Relationship within
It has finally happened ("Lord Jesus, It's a Fire!!!"), I have finally been in a place where I could take it seriously. A man coming forward to "win" me over. Lol. I am open to new experiences and to the simple joys of life, so I figured what the hell, why not? I'm finding myself and he's cute. Plus, maybe it'll be different this time (you know you think that, but when it happens, you just don't know where to begin).
At first we texted and exchanged thoughts via typed language. Informal, casual, non-committal. Very engaging, yet built around the convenience of our schedules, and personal life demands. I noticed that our exchanges were polite and thoughtful. Slightly simplistic and they seemed slightly calculated. Down to his facebook posts and responses (of course in retrospect, I am realizing this). I couldn't get enough of him and his thoughts and perspectives, we laughed all the time. His mind was ripe and open, like mine. His story was different. He also was an artist, but admittedly choice about when/how he was flaky. Lol. He caught me off guard with questions like "How was your day" and about things that I care about. He showed mature and mentoring concern for my experiences. He took time out of his life for me. And I learned how to be more respectful of my time. The whole arrangement, for lack of a better word, was "perfect." He became my friend, teacher, mentor, and crush. Before we even spoke on the phone. It was a wonder what a phone conversation would be like.
Thus, we finally moved into talking on the phone, in which the world changed. I was nervous when he was supposed to call me, and he did. We laughed the entire conversation sharing intimate details about ourselves and who we are as people. We talked about our families and our close individuals. We became friends. He set a foundation of himself for me, and created space for himself in my thoughts, just by being who he was. It was so automatic, so instinctual, it was like finding two pieces of a puzzle that just fit. You look at one and then the other, and you put'em together and there they go. They merge into one solid piece that you can build off from into that larger, more defined, detailed picture. It was one of the most redefining moments of my life. I didn't realize it then, but I was being healed. Parts of my soul was being mended into a quiet more confident presence, while my ability to speak out and firm was being manipulated into a more eloquent and peaceful space of maturity. How did this happen from talking to a man that I barely knew?
Well, in truth, he thinks... a lot, very analytical, one to break down big pictures into smaller components and then break down each component (I love an intellectual). Our exchanges were the build off of each other. My ability to optimize everything into some humorous atrocity that I can giggle at was met by his quick wit and incredible gift of sizing up a situation. Kismet. The flow of his thoughts into my words into my life built new bridges, filled in old decaying gaps. It was like the universe found me a doctor to help in my healing and he just had to be who he was. I loved how tranquility and strength had merged with preparation and gentility, allowing for me to see the best of him. It was moving. When it all came to an end when neither of us could make a trip to visit the other. We had to accept defeat. As we couldn't meet each other or beat each other in the game. We were in two different places geographically and we couldn't get to each other. Did I do it again?? Did I once again get my hopes up about a man that was undeserving of my planning, my hopes, my desires??? Did I jump the gun, only to find myself back on the path of "Soul Searchin'" through the trials and tribulations of desires and preconceived expectations? Only this time it seemed different. Too different.
At first we texted and exchanged thoughts via typed language. Informal, casual, non-committal. Very engaging, yet built around the convenience of our schedules, and personal life demands. I noticed that our exchanges were polite and thoughtful. Slightly simplistic and they seemed slightly calculated. Down to his facebook posts and responses (of course in retrospect, I am realizing this). I couldn't get enough of him and his thoughts and perspectives, we laughed all the time. His mind was ripe and open, like mine. His story was different. He also was an artist, but admittedly choice about when/how he was flaky. Lol. He caught me off guard with questions like "How was your day" and about things that I care about. He showed mature and mentoring concern for my experiences. He took time out of his life for me. And I learned how to be more respectful of my time. The whole arrangement, for lack of a better word, was "perfect." He became my friend, teacher, mentor, and crush. Before we even spoke on the phone. It was a wonder what a phone conversation would be like.
Thus, we finally moved into talking on the phone, in which the world changed. I was nervous when he was supposed to call me, and he did. We laughed the entire conversation sharing intimate details about ourselves and who we are as people. We talked about our families and our close individuals. We became friends. He set a foundation of himself for me, and created space for himself in my thoughts, just by being who he was. It was so automatic, so instinctual, it was like finding two pieces of a puzzle that just fit. You look at one and then the other, and you put'em together and there they go. They merge into one solid piece that you can build off from into that larger, more defined, detailed picture. It was one of the most redefining moments of my life. I didn't realize it then, but I was being healed. Parts of my soul was being mended into a quiet more confident presence, while my ability to speak out and firm was being manipulated into a more eloquent and peaceful space of maturity. How did this happen from talking to a man that I barely knew?
Well, in truth, he thinks... a lot, very analytical, one to break down big pictures into smaller components and then break down each component (I love an intellectual). Our exchanges were the build off of each other. My ability to optimize everything into some humorous atrocity that I can giggle at was met by his quick wit and incredible gift of sizing up a situation. Kismet. The flow of his thoughts into my words into my life built new bridges, filled in old decaying gaps. It was like the universe found me a doctor to help in my healing and he just had to be who he was. I loved how tranquility and strength had merged with preparation and gentility, allowing for me to see the best of him. It was moving. When it all came to an end when neither of us could make a trip to visit the other. We had to accept defeat. As we couldn't meet each other or beat each other in the game. We were in two different places geographically and we couldn't get to each other. Did I do it again?? Did I once again get my hopes up about a man that was undeserving of my planning, my hopes, my desires??? Did I jump the gun, only to find myself back on the path of "Soul Searchin'" through the trials and tribulations of desires and preconceived expectations? Only this time it seemed different. Too different.
Purpose
So.... learning from my dating experiences (as I should be), I have realized that I don't ask for much from men. A sense of self, the desire to build a community, and an understanding and appreciation that I am a woman about my business. So respect me as I respect him, especially if right now I am working my tail off to keep food in my home with my dog and earn an advanced degree. Considering that I could be on some other stuff, gaming men for money to get my hair and nails done. Instead, I meet no good gold diggers that want to talk to me, but in their mind they are adding up my dollars trying to figure how to get into my life so they can spend the little bit of money that I may have.
The new dilemma is the desire for me to do "more." What more can I do? I am making time for a man in my life as it is. In all honesty, I don't have time for myself, but maybe that is where I should start. Instead of making time for a man in my life, maybe I should make time for myself and the right man will join me in the time that I make for myself.
It's really hard to be a woman that wants to take the time for myself, but I guess that's the part that has the most relevance, it's not easy. We live in a world that demands so much of a person, but its not a person's money as much as a person's time that is demanded. Especially in this age, when there is such an emphasis on time, high speed internet, "killing time," Paid-time off, vacation time, holidays, family time, I can go on and on.
I have decided that I do want to get married, I do want to have children to share my extra expensive education with. I want to enjoy my life and engage people regarding all of the beauty that life has to offer, I want to share the joys of my life with someone when I have them. There seems to always be something. I guess I could take a weekend off and go out of town to appreciate that I do have Saturday and Sunday to appreciate the silence of life.
I guess it's just that once I start going hard, it's easy to forget that there are joys to life that I do miss. I become so busy trying to survive that I forget that if I let things go for a day or two they will still be there in a day or two. Nothing takes care of itself. I want to take a mini vacation so badly I can taste it.
Oh! The beauty of getting out of this area for a day or two and tasting air from somewhere else. Having a fresh and beautiful perspective on what the world has to offer. I am talking myself into going somewhere else as I type. Maybe spending time with someone that would embrace the visit.
Anyway, I have to remember that life gets hard at times, but survival mode is counter productive, in the end because survival is not just about meeting the barest of minimums, its about being able to embrace life though the barest of minimums are a squander away.
Screw it, I am going to do more than just survive life, I am going to live!!
The new dilemma is the desire for me to do "more." What more can I do? I am making time for a man in my life as it is. In all honesty, I don't have time for myself, but maybe that is where I should start. Instead of making time for a man in my life, maybe I should make time for myself and the right man will join me in the time that I make for myself.
It's really hard to be a woman that wants to take the time for myself, but I guess that's the part that has the most relevance, it's not easy. We live in a world that demands so much of a person, but its not a person's money as much as a person's time that is demanded. Especially in this age, when there is such an emphasis on time, high speed internet, "killing time," Paid-time off, vacation time, holidays, family time, I can go on and on.
I have decided that I do want to get married, I do want to have children to share my extra expensive education with. I want to enjoy my life and engage people regarding all of the beauty that life has to offer, I want to share the joys of my life with someone when I have them. There seems to always be something. I guess I could take a weekend off and go out of town to appreciate that I do have Saturday and Sunday to appreciate the silence of life.
I guess it's just that once I start going hard, it's easy to forget that there are joys to life that I do miss. I become so busy trying to survive that I forget that if I let things go for a day or two they will still be there in a day or two. Nothing takes care of itself. I want to take a mini vacation so badly I can taste it.
Oh! The beauty of getting out of this area for a day or two and tasting air from somewhere else. Having a fresh and beautiful perspective on what the world has to offer. I am talking myself into going somewhere else as I type. Maybe spending time with someone that would embrace the visit.
Anyway, I have to remember that life gets hard at times, but survival mode is counter productive, in the end because survival is not just about meeting the barest of minimums, its about being able to embrace life though the barest of minimums are a squander away.
Screw it, I am going to do more than just survive life, I am going to live!!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
The Vicious Cycle (Vanity)
In
between beat rhythms
Over
artistic expression
of chords and instruments
of chords and instruments
He
speaks lyrical rhymes breaking down his heart
Moments
in time seek stability through his words
While
he speaks of a question of sanity
Because
to dream is human, yet to follow such a path of most resistance leaves one
questioning one’s own mental state
Despair
through arrogance reveals a lack where vulnerability still stands
And
yet to be vulnerable for a whole world to see your nakedness
Is
it so difficult to open up to just one other human being? Or just this one?
Effort
or a moment to understand that pain is a tool for growth
Yes,
we were hurt before as long as we are willing to be more, we cannot be hurt the
same way twice
Instead
I listen to music in hopes of a fantasy life
Excusing
that though I am blinded by my opponent’s big voices and large presence my
battle is won, and my war will be lost to someone who will fight for and with
me.
Though
it may not be with him, we will share
Such
heart
Such
art
And
close each other off to our vanity
To
be honest, giving my all over and over has not been worth a man’s acceptance,
only leading to resentment, because he comes to me lacking, and in need.
What
I help to build, I have to leave, because once I build Rome it’s the
requirements of my castle that brings him to his knees.
I
deserve a thrown that can carry my weight and as long as that is contingent on
my contribution I am a woman worth 5 tons in gold and just being in my social
standing can multiply a man’s net worth by the thousands alone.
It’s
not about what I can do for him, because for him I will bear sons that will
lead and create, make paths that have never been made and bring a reputation to
his name that it has not seen since before his great greats were slaves
Because
for him, I will bear daughters that will bring beauty and grace into this place
that will make Beyonce look unkept and Condoleezza look undereducated
Because
for him my gifts are worth his investment and I hear it in his expression
Though
I work to not allow my heart to speak as I listen
I
can’t manipulate nor regain control
I
fight to hold my control freak in her place
I
am powerless against his spoken word
my
kryptonite is truth in his art and though he verbalizes his vanity, I only hear
his humanity
Soul
speaks as our souls meet, dance on heartfelt creativity
I
can’t deny that my heart cries out for
New
times new fears
new
moments new skies
And my Hand ties
So
then Hope dies
As
time flies no more lies
His
truth resonates against the walls of my spirit
He
tells his soul and with my whole being I hear it
I
feel his story, touched and glad for him share
My
emotion is strong without control I couldn’t bare
I
can see his heart on his sleeve that he wears
Speak
my feelings to his ear and let him know, I wouldn’t dare
Especially
cus I’m afraid that in the end he wouldn’t care
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
His Love
Love has conquered my spirit. Bright skies have stolen my place of solace.
My emotional roller coaster goes up and down. Turns upside-down, while my heart spins round and round. Breaks the ground that I stood upon so solemnly.
My peace has been shaken, replaced with an air of confidence so powerful that I myself have to step back. For it is not "I' or the power of 1 that I know I contain, but the power of two. He and I that have shaken up reality so powerfully that I can only see.. He... and me.
Life has changed. Meanings have changed. Planning has been re-focused. What was thought to never have been, has been. The peace in my spirit that I was told by the lies of deceit that I could not find... I have found.
I was "fine" alone... only now that is poison for development for my own.
I don't need a man, but I need to know that tenderness in spirit to complement my growth.
His hands are not a weakness in my armor, but the armor itself.
God knew His strength when He developed my weakness.
He knows.
I know.
Truth is His love of me opens him up for the vulnerability that he could withstand with God alone...
But God said it Himself "It is not good for man to be alone"
As I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I walk alive, knowing that my life is only the beginning of the strength that has been born within me.
The created can not defeat nor destroy the creator, nor can the good be an evil.
Love may offer life unknown and definitely unexpected, but God is.
God is, God was, and God will be.
End time, love does not cease.
Copyright Phirefree 2012
My emotional roller coaster goes up and down. Turns upside-down, while my heart spins round and round. Breaks the ground that I stood upon so solemnly.
My peace has been shaken, replaced with an air of confidence so powerful that I myself have to step back. For it is not "I' or the power of 1 that I know I contain, but the power of two. He and I that have shaken up reality so powerfully that I can only see.. He... and me.
Life has changed. Meanings have changed. Planning has been re-focused. What was thought to never have been, has been. The peace in my spirit that I was told by the lies of deceit that I could not find... I have found.
I was "fine" alone... only now that is poison for development for my own.
I don't need a man, but I need to know that tenderness in spirit to complement my growth.
His hands are not a weakness in my armor, but the armor itself.
God knew His strength when He developed my weakness.
He knows.
I know.
Truth is His love of me opens him up for the vulnerability that he could withstand with God alone...
But God said it Himself "It is not good for man to be alone"
As I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I walk alive, knowing that my life is only the beginning of the strength that has been born within me.
The created can not defeat nor destroy the creator, nor can the good be an evil.
Love may offer life unknown and definitely unexpected, but God is.
God is, God was, and God will be.
End time, love does not cease.
Copyright Phirefree 2012
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