It has finally happened ("Lord Jesus, It's a Fire!!!"), I have finally been in a place where I could take it seriously. A man coming forward to "win" me over. Lol. I am open to new experiences and to the simple joys of life, so I figured what the hell, why not? I'm finding myself and he's cute. Plus, maybe it'll be different this time (you know you think that, but when it happens, you just don't know where to begin).
At first we texted and exchanged thoughts via typed language. Informal, casual, non-committal. Very engaging, yet built around the convenience of our schedules, and personal life demands. I noticed that our exchanges were polite and thoughtful. Slightly simplistic and they seemed slightly calculated. Down to his facebook posts and responses (of course in retrospect, I am realizing this). I couldn't get enough of him and his thoughts and perspectives, we laughed all the time. His mind was ripe and open, like mine. His story was different. He also was an artist, but admittedly choice about when/how he was flaky. Lol. He caught me off guard with questions like "How was your day" and about things that I care about. He showed mature and mentoring concern for my experiences. He took time out of his life for me. And I learned how to be more respectful of my time. The whole arrangement, for lack of a better word, was "perfect." He became my friend, teacher, mentor, and crush. Before we even spoke on the phone. It was a wonder what a phone conversation would be like.
Thus, we finally moved into talking on the phone, in which the world changed. I was nervous when he was supposed to call me, and he did. We laughed the entire conversation sharing intimate details about ourselves and who we are as people. We talked about our families and our close individuals. We became friends. He set a foundation of himself for me, and created space for himself in my thoughts, just by being who he was. It was so automatic, so instinctual, it was like finding two pieces of a puzzle that just fit. You look at one and then the other, and you put'em together and there they go. They merge into one solid piece that you can build off from into that larger, more defined, detailed picture. It was one of the most redefining moments of my life. I didn't realize it then, but I was being healed. Parts of my soul was being mended into a quiet more confident presence, while my ability to speak out and firm was being manipulated into a more eloquent and peaceful space of maturity. How did this happen from talking to a man that I barely knew?
Well, in truth, he thinks... a lot, very analytical, one to break down big pictures into smaller components and then break down each component (I love an intellectual). Our exchanges were the build off of each other. My ability to optimize everything into some humorous atrocity that I can giggle at was met by his quick wit and incredible gift of sizing up a situation. Kismet. The flow of his thoughts into my words into my life built new bridges, filled in old decaying gaps. It was like the universe found me a doctor to help in my healing and he just had to be who he was. I loved how tranquility and strength had merged with preparation and gentility, allowing for me to see the best of him. It was moving. When it all came to an end when neither of us could make a trip to visit the other. We had to accept defeat. As we couldn't meet each other or beat each other in the game. We were in two different places geographically and we couldn't get to each other. Did I do it again?? Did I once again get my hopes up about a man that was undeserving of my planning, my hopes, my desires??? Did I jump the gun, only to find myself back on the path of "Soul Searchin'" through the trials and tribulations of desires and preconceived expectations? Only this time it seemed different. Too different.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Purpose
So.... learning from my dating experiences (as I should be), I have realized that I don't ask for much from men. A sense of self, the desire to build a community, and an understanding and appreciation that I am a woman about my business. So respect me as I respect him, especially if right now I am working my tail off to keep food in my home with my dog and earn an advanced degree. Considering that I could be on some other stuff, gaming men for money to get my hair and nails done. Instead, I meet no good gold diggers that want to talk to me, but in their mind they are adding up my dollars trying to figure how to get into my life so they can spend the little bit of money that I may have.
The new dilemma is the desire for me to do "more." What more can I do? I am making time for a man in my life as it is. In all honesty, I don't have time for myself, but maybe that is where I should start. Instead of making time for a man in my life, maybe I should make time for myself and the right man will join me in the time that I make for myself.
It's really hard to be a woman that wants to take the time for myself, but I guess that's the part that has the most relevance, it's not easy. We live in a world that demands so much of a person, but its not a person's money as much as a person's time that is demanded. Especially in this age, when there is such an emphasis on time, high speed internet, "killing time," Paid-time off, vacation time, holidays, family time, I can go on and on.
I have decided that I do want to get married, I do want to have children to share my extra expensive education with. I want to enjoy my life and engage people regarding all of the beauty that life has to offer, I want to share the joys of my life with someone when I have them. There seems to always be something. I guess I could take a weekend off and go out of town to appreciate that I do have Saturday and Sunday to appreciate the silence of life.
I guess it's just that once I start going hard, it's easy to forget that there are joys to life that I do miss. I become so busy trying to survive that I forget that if I let things go for a day or two they will still be there in a day or two. Nothing takes care of itself. I want to take a mini vacation so badly I can taste it.
Oh! The beauty of getting out of this area for a day or two and tasting air from somewhere else. Having a fresh and beautiful perspective on what the world has to offer. I am talking myself into going somewhere else as I type. Maybe spending time with someone that would embrace the visit.
Anyway, I have to remember that life gets hard at times, but survival mode is counter productive, in the end because survival is not just about meeting the barest of minimums, its about being able to embrace life though the barest of minimums are a squander away.
Screw it, I am going to do more than just survive life, I am going to live!!
The new dilemma is the desire for me to do "more." What more can I do? I am making time for a man in my life as it is. In all honesty, I don't have time for myself, but maybe that is where I should start. Instead of making time for a man in my life, maybe I should make time for myself and the right man will join me in the time that I make for myself.
It's really hard to be a woman that wants to take the time for myself, but I guess that's the part that has the most relevance, it's not easy. We live in a world that demands so much of a person, but its not a person's money as much as a person's time that is demanded. Especially in this age, when there is such an emphasis on time, high speed internet, "killing time," Paid-time off, vacation time, holidays, family time, I can go on and on.
I have decided that I do want to get married, I do want to have children to share my extra expensive education with. I want to enjoy my life and engage people regarding all of the beauty that life has to offer, I want to share the joys of my life with someone when I have them. There seems to always be something. I guess I could take a weekend off and go out of town to appreciate that I do have Saturday and Sunday to appreciate the silence of life.
I guess it's just that once I start going hard, it's easy to forget that there are joys to life that I do miss. I become so busy trying to survive that I forget that if I let things go for a day or two they will still be there in a day or two. Nothing takes care of itself. I want to take a mini vacation so badly I can taste it.
Oh! The beauty of getting out of this area for a day or two and tasting air from somewhere else. Having a fresh and beautiful perspective on what the world has to offer. I am talking myself into going somewhere else as I type. Maybe spending time with someone that would embrace the visit.
Anyway, I have to remember that life gets hard at times, but survival mode is counter productive, in the end because survival is not just about meeting the barest of minimums, its about being able to embrace life though the barest of minimums are a squander away.
Screw it, I am going to do more than just survive life, I am going to live!!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
The Vicious Cycle (Vanity)
In
between beat rhythms
Over
artistic expression
of chords and instruments
of chords and instruments
He
speaks lyrical rhymes breaking down his heart
Moments
in time seek stability through his words
While
he speaks of a question of sanity
Because
to dream is human, yet to follow such a path of most resistance leaves one
questioning one’s own mental state
Despair
through arrogance reveals a lack where vulnerability still stands
And
yet to be vulnerable for a whole world to see your nakedness
Is
it so difficult to open up to just one other human being? Or just this one?
Effort
or a moment to understand that pain is a tool for growth
Yes,
we were hurt before as long as we are willing to be more, we cannot be hurt the
same way twice
Instead
I listen to music in hopes of a fantasy life
Excusing
that though I am blinded by my opponent’s big voices and large presence my
battle is won, and my war will be lost to someone who will fight for and with
me.
Though
it may not be with him, we will share
Such
heart
Such
art
And
close each other off to our vanity
To
be honest, giving my all over and over has not been worth a man’s acceptance,
only leading to resentment, because he comes to me lacking, and in need.
What
I help to build, I have to leave, because once I build Rome it’s the
requirements of my castle that brings him to his knees.
I
deserve a thrown that can carry my weight and as long as that is contingent on
my contribution I am a woman worth 5 tons in gold and just being in my social
standing can multiply a man’s net worth by the thousands alone.
It’s
not about what I can do for him, because for him I will bear sons that will
lead and create, make paths that have never been made and bring a reputation to
his name that it has not seen since before his great greats were slaves
Because
for him, I will bear daughters that will bring beauty and grace into this place
that will make Beyonce look unkept and Condoleezza look undereducated
Because
for him my gifts are worth his investment and I hear it in his expression
Though
I work to not allow my heart to speak as I listen
I
can’t manipulate nor regain control
I
fight to hold my control freak in her place
I
am powerless against his spoken word
my
kryptonite is truth in his art and though he verbalizes his vanity, I only hear
his humanity
Soul
speaks as our souls meet, dance on heartfelt creativity
I
can’t deny that my heart cries out for
New
times new fears
new
moments new skies
And my Hand ties
So
then Hope dies
As
time flies no more lies
His
truth resonates against the walls of my spirit
He
tells his soul and with my whole being I hear it
I
feel his story, touched and glad for him share
My
emotion is strong without control I couldn’t bare
I
can see his heart on his sleeve that he wears
Speak
my feelings to his ear and let him know, I wouldn’t dare
Especially
cus I’m afraid that in the end he wouldn’t care
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
His Love
Love has conquered my spirit. Bright skies have stolen my place of solace.
My emotional roller coaster goes up and down. Turns upside-down, while my heart spins round and round. Breaks the ground that I stood upon so solemnly.
My peace has been shaken, replaced with an air of confidence so powerful that I myself have to step back. For it is not "I' or the power of 1 that I know I contain, but the power of two. He and I that have shaken up reality so powerfully that I can only see.. He... and me.
Life has changed. Meanings have changed. Planning has been re-focused. What was thought to never have been, has been. The peace in my spirit that I was told by the lies of deceit that I could not find... I have found.
I was "fine" alone... only now that is poison for development for my own.
I don't need a man, but I need to know that tenderness in spirit to complement my growth.
His hands are not a weakness in my armor, but the armor itself.
God knew His strength when He developed my weakness.
He knows.
I know.
Truth is His love of me opens him up for the vulnerability that he could withstand with God alone...
But God said it Himself "It is not good for man to be alone"
As I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I walk alive, knowing that my life is only the beginning of the strength that has been born within me.
The created can not defeat nor destroy the creator, nor can the good be an evil.
Love may offer life unknown and definitely unexpected, but God is.
God is, God was, and God will be.
End time, love does not cease.
Copyright Phirefree 2012
My emotional roller coaster goes up and down. Turns upside-down, while my heart spins round and round. Breaks the ground that I stood upon so solemnly.
My peace has been shaken, replaced with an air of confidence so powerful that I myself have to step back. For it is not "I' or the power of 1 that I know I contain, but the power of two. He and I that have shaken up reality so powerfully that I can only see.. He... and me.
Life has changed. Meanings have changed. Planning has been re-focused. What was thought to never have been, has been. The peace in my spirit that I was told by the lies of deceit that I could not find... I have found.
I was "fine" alone... only now that is poison for development for my own.
I don't need a man, but I need to know that tenderness in spirit to complement my growth.
His hands are not a weakness in my armor, but the armor itself.
God knew His strength when He developed my weakness.
He knows.
I know.
Truth is His love of me opens him up for the vulnerability that he could withstand with God alone...
But God said it Himself "It is not good for man to be alone"
As I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I walk alive, knowing that my life is only the beginning of the strength that has been born within me.
The created can not defeat nor destroy the creator, nor can the good be an evil.
Love may offer life unknown and definitely unexpected, but God is.
God is, God was, and God will be.
End time, love does not cease.
Copyright Phirefree 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
A Letter to my Lover
Dear Lover,
Love in you has given to me, fed me and nurtured me. Growing my best within us.
From the moment we met you had me. When your eyes met my gaze I walked into your arms. Where you hold me for eternity and beyond.
Swept away in the freedom of your truth. How your mannerisms are louder than your tone.
How you transfer your energy with a touch of your finger. Move a mountain with a faint whisper.
Brightness in your eyes, inflection behind your words, boldness in your spirit. Strength in your character and life in your faith.
My heart beats to your spirits drum, fed and stabilized through your adaptability.
Only complemented.
That I matter. Mutual understanding that together we conquer our adversities. No longer fighting alone. Perhaps no longer fighting.
Peace is a world and love is our universe. Being each other's. You are mine.
Love in you has given to me, fed me and nurtured me. Growing my best within us.
From the moment we met you had me. When your eyes met my gaze I walked into your arms. Where you hold me for eternity and beyond.
Swept away in the freedom of your truth. How your mannerisms are louder than your tone.
How you transfer your energy with a touch of your finger. Move a mountain with a faint whisper.
Brightness in your eyes, inflection behind your words, boldness in your spirit. Strength in your character and life in your faith.
My heart beats to your spirits drum, fed and stabilized through your adaptability.
Only complemented.
That I matter. Mutual understanding that together we conquer our adversities. No longer fighting alone. Perhaps no longer fighting.
Peace is a world and love is our universe. Being each other's. You are mine.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Unleashed in the Dark
Kissing soft beautiful skin, cherry kissed underneath subtle soft peach hue. Gentle touches soothe silent aches within my soul.
Eyes a haven of almond,
soft
open
safe
sophisticated moans escape round gentle lips of support
Hands embrace slowly, lightly scanning fingertips all over. Warm touch and tepid kisses.
My mind calculates actions my body ignores
Stop
I kiss lightly
...I have to Stop
I lick gracefully
My lips are not going any further than this
My tongue to taste boldness
Okay... here
Lips touch moans fill my ears. Unleashed in the dark, my soul cries to touch. My hands caress while my lips search for musical tones singing to my soul. Lost in night air, passion is motivation, prowling silently through moans of pleasure. Sensual screams heard through my body's given tongue.
I touch, I lick, I kiss
Night's light I can see everything. My hands; claws, my action; intent. Moans; cries of growing excitement. No longer about me, but us. Beings purr as growls escape out into open space. Evolution meets intuition as spiritual collides with natural instincts.
Okay.... no sex
Intrinsic process releases spirits. Mental a back seat to physical, vocal senses become secondary to audio. Independence is not a factor only building upon loves foundation. Earth opens to embrace sun; I open to receive teases of dominance. Eases minds diligence, pleases with prominence.
Growls, howls, and cries release into the darkness
Feasting as closeness disappears into combination
I lied.
Closer and closer, slower and harder, intensity grows more and more. Prowess powerfully overt. Freedom loose thru passionate air. Gone in a rage of 'motional emotion I am unleashed in the dark.
Free minds and unlimited love
Unbound by unnatural expectations
Only natural acceptance of spirit and all en-composing reality.
Glowing in pitch blackness.
Check out more poetry:
(Copy +paste into browser)
https://poets.media/gentle-love
Image by Kevin the Verbose © 2014
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Forever Yours
There is
no other you peace you found in my heart is yours. Truth offers a still. My silence is peace creating open, true life
where you can’t find.
When Earth could contain u in
i and maintain balance our kingdom would ascend.
Now is not ours, we held a moment; A peace, speckle, freely floating amongst chaos. Dancing on air, watching life spin out of control.
Now is not ours, we held a moment; A peace, speckle, freely floating amongst chaos. Dancing on air, watching life spin out of control.
Always grateful for being able. Held in your arms lost in safe open
warmth.
Little girl
truly protected, found Searching for so many years to find someone to offer me comfort. Healing a broken soul.
Not to love me, but mend what was broken and suffering.
Raise
consciousness, where my giant slept.
Returned
to my natural state love, protection, and value
brought strength to my soul.
Your warmth safe memory, smile a place of joy. Brown in your eyes, depth of your stare, gentle touch, your breath of on my skin, you sweep me into a realm of sweet solid embrace.
Your warmth safe memory, smile a place of joy. Brown in your eyes, depth of your stare, gentle touch, your breath of on my skin, you sweep me into a realm of sweet solid embrace.
nights I cry out for you
I remember strength of loving you is not in forever
but transformation you created in a moment.
I was
built and molded through your mind and love.
Taken out of my corner and embraced the
world around me.
You are a
place of safe, unquestionable love. Exposure new and unknown to my heart, you gave me a
gift that I will carry with me forever.
© Phire Free 2012
© Phire Free 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
The Gem Stone
In a new mindset, I decided that I will embrace life to my fullest, and borrow from life to see what is out there. It is a new world when a human being can help you see the error in your ways, and grow past the ignorance that ignorance bred within. I have had to deal with laziness, entitlement, arrogance, stupidity, insanity, irresponsibility, inconsistency, crudeness, and much much more. In the end it all took place to create a new place of understanding within myself.
Through the dating circus I have found that when I need to I can set boundaries and declare my own limits. I now understand that though many may not be able to show me that I am worth more than their bullshit, I am worth not only my choice of lifestyle, but the commitment and the commitment to commitment that comes with me.
There are not many men that can invest in a commitment to commitment (let alone understand it). In my experience in the world of loving to be loved and coming up short over and over again I have found that these have only added to my value and taken nothing away from me. As a person worth investment I am worth the time and fore thought of dating. I am worth the time of planning an outing or doing what I would like to do. So what brought me to this understanding??
I recently have found that the weight of my most recent experiences have brought me to a gem. I have found that I have had to learn that I have been put through the fire to be purified and made my most valuable. It is amazing how having beautiful people in my life has changed my perspective on the value of my life. How embracing others has allowed me to unfold into who I am and can truly be. It is the love of a supportive best friend, the support of a loving friend, the stability of a engaged and giving friend, the backing of a friend that keeps safe and stable distances. The gift of friendship in the form of excitement or sometimes silence. All of this in different people, or one person makes a difference and is valuable and beautiful. These people tore out the venomous dangers of my self defeating thinking and offered space for me to grow into a place of confident peace. With the love and support of others I have become stronger and better.
This is important because I have found a place where I am safe in a relationship. It was our friendship that nurtured me, and then we bloomed into a safe place secure for both of us.
He is rare and very hard to come by. Difficult to find when searching high and low and easy to lose because he is so quiet and mild mannered. He has a tendency to nurture and a need to care. These are strengths and weaknesses, blessings and curses because as a woman I misread his man.
I had a tendency to under appreciate my own beings (myself in reflection of them) and to only see them as something that I may break instead of someone that I should and can cherish. Those individuals that the universe gave me to as well as them to me. I only saw them as pure and crystal that I may damage, break, or shatter as opposed to someone beautiful of high value that others look at in awe. Losing themselves in the elegant depth of the genuine value and beauty that only God Himself could create. I have had these creatures fly impulsively into my life sense high school and I continuously gravitated to the less valuables that were around them. Only now to have been led indirectly into a dream that I had convinced myself could not exist. For the last month I have experienced what it is like to have a man's investment without destructive criticism. I have been embraced with one hand without the other slapping me in the face. I have been given a pain free investment, and I am so used to the gamble that I am expecting another hit.
It has been so rewarding to watch the maturity of what a man should be embrace my woman and validate my worth. So, cheers to knowing what appreciation feels like, Faith heals.
Through the dating circus I have found that when I need to I can set boundaries and declare my own limits. I now understand that though many may not be able to show me that I am worth more than their bullshit, I am worth not only my choice of lifestyle, but the commitment and the commitment to commitment that comes with me.
There are not many men that can invest in a commitment to commitment (let alone understand it). In my experience in the world of loving to be loved and coming up short over and over again I have found that these have only added to my value and taken nothing away from me. As a person worth investment I am worth the time and fore thought of dating. I am worth the time of planning an outing or doing what I would like to do. So what brought me to this understanding??
I recently have found that the weight of my most recent experiences have brought me to a gem. I have found that I have had to learn that I have been put through the fire to be purified and made my most valuable. It is amazing how having beautiful people in my life has changed my perspective on the value of my life. How embracing others has allowed me to unfold into who I am and can truly be. It is the love of a supportive best friend, the support of a loving friend, the stability of a engaged and giving friend, the backing of a friend that keeps safe and stable distances. The gift of friendship in the form of excitement or sometimes silence. All of this in different people, or one person makes a difference and is valuable and beautiful. These people tore out the venomous dangers of my self defeating thinking and offered space for me to grow into a place of confident peace. With the love and support of others I have become stronger and better.
This is important because I have found a place where I am safe in a relationship. It was our friendship that nurtured me, and then we bloomed into a safe place secure for both of us.
He is rare and very hard to come by. Difficult to find when searching high and low and easy to lose because he is so quiet and mild mannered. He has a tendency to nurture and a need to care. These are strengths and weaknesses, blessings and curses because as a woman I misread his man.
I had a tendency to under appreciate my own beings (myself in reflection of them) and to only see them as something that I may break instead of someone that I should and can cherish. Those individuals that the universe gave me to as well as them to me. I only saw them as pure and crystal that I may damage, break, or shatter as opposed to someone beautiful of high value that others look at in awe. Losing themselves in the elegant depth of the genuine value and beauty that only God Himself could create. I have had these creatures fly impulsively into my life sense high school and I continuously gravitated to the less valuables that were around them. Only now to have been led indirectly into a dream that I had convinced myself could not exist. For the last month I have experienced what it is like to have a man's investment without destructive criticism. I have been embraced with one hand without the other slapping me in the face. I have been given a pain free investment, and I am so used to the gamble that I am expecting another hit.
It has been so rewarding to watch the maturity of what a man should be embrace my woman and validate my worth. So, cheers to knowing what appreciation feels like, Faith heals.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Shoutout to All Women
Recently, I have found a freedom that has re-lit so much of my spirit. My being spoke to me and I was freed. Not because I thought he was forever, the possibility was pretty, but not real. My freedom is forever, but the key was once again a temporary for a very complicated lock.
When he and I began it was outside of my own understanding, and I received a new place where time is not time as I understood it. We would lose hours just being together, then life became something different. He was a motivation for newer better heights, not because of his "innovations" but because of my own.
I was motivated to move in my life as I have not been motivated in a LONG time. I hunted and gathered for work and opportunities. I wrote and edited. Looking into what's possible, what can come, what can go. I was once again pushed to another level of my being.
I like the men I like because they motivate me, to look deeper, focus harder, find more. See more. Understand infinitely, til no more understanding can be found. I love that I can dig so deeply within myself, that I am willing to give for it. However, what I have found is that the ambition is so one sided, I want to grow together and they want to put their feet up (on my couch), eat (my food), and then do what they want to do.
NEWSFLASH:: I don't work like that. Growth is a choice, but what is life if you are not growing. Everyday we have cells in our body that regenerate themselves completely. We have parts of the brain that constantly seek stimulation. I have grown accustomed to being stimulated mentally and what that does for my being. I also expect growth to be an aspiration just like anything else. What man can be content looking at the same corner of life for the rest of his life?? Life was meant to be conquered and journeyed. Shared while experiencing everything. The way we allow life to be dictated to us now is unbelievable. We are supposed strive and fight together, for our own piece and peace, until we decide that we are strong and accomplished enough and we would like to stop and enjoy together.
I have grown more and more discontent with men not even willing to appropriately reel me in and sure as hell not keep me. However, I keep learning and growing. I have grown into American men... we all know the same shit, different days.
Most recently I was challenged with something new, not too different, but a little new. He was a MESS. However, he made me look at life differently and I looked at our relationship differently, though, truthfully. He made me feel delicate like a silk pillowcase, he moved me like the force of gravity to a tidal wave. I lost old dead skin and regenerated new and refreshing energy. He made my heart sing sweet sorrowful hellos knowing that goodbye was inevitable.
I had nights of heated endless passion filled with earth-quaking, back bending, vocally acrobatic rhythms and sensuality. On the flip side, I was only supposed to be helping him out temporarily, but somehow I became the source of stability. He had ideas, but no plans. He was excited, but not motivated. He wanted me, but he didn't want me. He wasn't willing to put in the effort of keeping me and he had some other woman paying for his time. He supplied sex and my intimate care, but that was it. While I gave him tools that he wasn't quite ready to use yet, he gave me energy that I knew how to move and conduct. Changing it into my own production. I have done this and continue to do it. I end up, saddened by how little my counter parts know how to get from my elements.
As woman, I have to search for my match. Not what I can match, but what fits me. Whose willing to take me there, and whose willing to go that extra mile. Not for what I can get, but to be used for what I really am, and for what I can do. So I guess, its about knowing myself and what I have to offer. Lol, I haven't heard that before. S/o to all woman.
When he and I began it was outside of my own understanding, and I received a new place where time is not time as I understood it. We would lose hours just being together, then life became something different. He was a motivation for newer better heights, not because of his "innovations" but because of my own.
I was motivated to move in my life as I have not been motivated in a LONG time. I hunted and gathered for work and opportunities. I wrote and edited. Looking into what's possible, what can come, what can go. I was once again pushed to another level of my being.
I like the men I like because they motivate me, to look deeper, focus harder, find more. See more. Understand infinitely, til no more understanding can be found. I love that I can dig so deeply within myself, that I am willing to give for it. However, what I have found is that the ambition is so one sided, I want to grow together and they want to put their feet up (on my couch), eat (my food), and then do what they want to do.
NEWSFLASH:: I don't work like that. Growth is a choice, but what is life if you are not growing. Everyday we have cells in our body that regenerate themselves completely. We have parts of the brain that constantly seek stimulation. I have grown accustomed to being stimulated mentally and what that does for my being. I also expect growth to be an aspiration just like anything else. What man can be content looking at the same corner of life for the rest of his life?? Life was meant to be conquered and journeyed. Shared while experiencing everything. The way we allow life to be dictated to us now is unbelievable. We are supposed strive and fight together, for our own piece and peace, until we decide that we are strong and accomplished enough and we would like to stop and enjoy together.
I have grown more and more discontent with men not even willing to appropriately reel me in and sure as hell not keep me. However, I keep learning and growing. I have grown into American men... we all know the same shit, different days.
Most recently I was challenged with something new, not too different, but a little new. He was a MESS. However, he made me look at life differently and I looked at our relationship differently, though, truthfully. He made me feel delicate like a silk pillowcase, he moved me like the force of gravity to a tidal wave. I lost old dead skin and regenerated new and refreshing energy. He made my heart sing sweet sorrowful hellos knowing that goodbye was inevitable.
I had nights of heated endless passion filled with earth-quaking, back bending, vocally acrobatic rhythms and sensuality. On the flip side, I was only supposed to be helping him out temporarily, but somehow I became the source of stability. He had ideas, but no plans. He was excited, but not motivated. He wanted me, but he didn't want me. He wasn't willing to put in the effort of keeping me and he had some other woman paying for his time. He supplied sex and my intimate care, but that was it. While I gave him tools that he wasn't quite ready to use yet, he gave me energy that I knew how to move and conduct. Changing it into my own production. I have done this and continue to do it. I end up, saddened by how little my counter parts know how to get from my elements.
As woman, I have to search for my match. Not what I can match, but what fits me. Whose willing to take me there, and whose willing to go that extra mile. Not for what I can get, but to be used for what I really am, and for what I can do. So I guess, its about knowing myself and what I have to offer. Lol, I haven't heard that before. S/o to all woman.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I am no Hero... I am H.E.R
A world of tears, that guide love and understanding. Movement is inspired by emotional connections when emotions are manipulated to a point of disconnection.
No longer acceptable to be human, love is now a fusion of natural emotion and unnatural logic. Truth is a matter of perspective, though illusions of lies are considered comforting and required.
Don't love me if lying is the only way to tell me your truth. My tomorrow is not your's to determine, it is mine, to decide what I would like and what I want. It is my love that I chose to give, and if the person you are as you are is not deserving of my love, then accept the truth and move on.
My time and space is my dimension to choose directive, not yours. I choose you to share directive with me not to direct me. As I would not direct you, though truth be told we both know that I could.
I would not want to be told how to live a life that has been given me as mine, I offer the same respect. When my actions read that you are who you are, but you can not be trusted, then I will let you be you
Alone.
Loneliness is a truth that we learn not to question, but to accept and understand as the knowledge that it speaks. Understanding comes from experiencing the unknown, but loneliness and embrace of time alone places development into self that speaks a necessary truth.
Down the line he may look again and understand that she was no hero, but she was honest, enlightened, and respectable. She was H.E.R.
© 2012 Phirefree
No longer acceptable to be human, love is now a fusion of natural emotion and unnatural logic. Truth is a matter of perspective, though illusions of lies are considered comforting and required.
Don't love me if lying is the only way to tell me your truth. My tomorrow is not your's to determine, it is mine, to decide what I would like and what I want. It is my love that I chose to give, and if the person you are as you are is not deserving of my love, then accept the truth and move on.
My time and space is my dimension to choose directive, not yours. I choose you to share directive with me not to direct me. As I would not direct you, though truth be told we both know that I could.
I would not want to be told how to live a life that has been given me as mine, I offer the same respect. When my actions read that you are who you are, but you can not be trusted, then I will let you be you
Alone.
Loneliness is a truth that we learn not to question, but to accept and understand as the knowledge that it speaks. Understanding comes from experiencing the unknown, but loneliness and embrace of time alone places development into self that speaks a necessary truth.
Down the line he may look again and understand that she was no hero, but she was honest, enlightened, and respectable. She was H.E.R.
© 2012 Phirefree
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