People often assume me to be naive, but what they don't know is that I quietly observe them. My sweetness is my decision. Instead of being bitter, mean, rude, self-pitying, self-righteous, or just plain judgemental. I have chosen to be nice and understanding. Openminded and honest is the best way I have learned to cope with the trials and tribulations of my life.
Coming out into a world where I was made to feel worthless and helpless I am beginning to innerstand that those that made me feel that way were projecting their issues on me. I have value and I have worth.
Most recently, I met a man that took a liking to me, but it was due to his own ego. He liked my sweet sensibility and he was probably more turned on by what seemed to be my soft childlike naivety, than my interest in growing and gaining as a person. After he began to realize that I can get and understand different concepts, he began to distance himself from me. What a man...
In my understanding as a woman, I had become so attached, and was so desperate for a man's affection, that for me he was a door that opened parts of me and allowed me to explore parts of myself that I had to shut off when my dad died. He was my muse, he allowed me to open like a book and then begin to turn my old, worn down, seasoned pages into a story, that had emotions and life. He was fresh air, like new skin after a chemical peel. He was my youth, my new outlook, he was a new voice that I was able to speak freely and freshly. I loved him.
Until I realized, that though for me he was the wormhole into my own dimension, for him, I was some lowly "trick" to use as he pleased.
My desperation as a woman is what fooled me into believing that to him maybe I was a friend, nothing serious, but familiar and trustworthy. NO! For him, I was something he could brag to his friends about and talk about what I could be (to them) when he decided he was done with me. See, for him I was a meal. What I didn't know is that he told his friends, when he had had enough, they could have "their share".
At this point to me, this no good lying ass manipulative (because he told me he was looking for a soulmate), conscienceless, two bit, asshole is the equivalent of the shit that has crusted over and become white on dog doo (Yes, he is the crusty white dog shit).
Thus, I know my worth. Any man that can see the gift of who I am and only wants to destroy it deserves the hell he gets for trying to add more pain and devastation to my story. I also now understand that there is nothing wrong with taking time for myself and telling men that may be interested, "no".
I don't have to feel like a man taking interest in me is him "doing me a favor", or I am soooo lucky because "A man sees a companion in me". I now know that a man is fortunate if I can see a companion in him, because too many times they are not fit to hold my hand.
A muse, is nice, but my new understanding and sense of worth/ wealth is soooo much better, so thanks dude, you can officially suck it!
Your thoughts are so well put together. I wish I had that ability. Keep up the good work Ms. Free. F Him.
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