Sexual element and elimination:

Last night it dawned on me... that my ex was not only a bad investment of my love, but he was also a horrible lover. 

As a woman, it is a man's place to understand his soul mate and to help her understand herself, especially in an area as intimate as the bedroom.  My ex not only did not help me understand myself in many ways, but he made me embarrassed of what I have to offer as a lover. 

Growing up as a child, intimate time alone was discouraged by the man I call "sperm donor" walking in closed doors, and accusing often when nothing was happening, which created a taboo of self exploration.  When I finally gave myself permission to engage in sexual exploration with men it was a time of true vulnerability for me, because emotions have not been allowed to connect to sex at all in my experiences. 

Because for years my body has been a place of pain, abuse, and constant degradation for me, I have been treating myself as such.  As a lover, I have taken time to understand the men that I have engaged with and learned them and what they like, but for myself, what I need has never been there.

When I discuss the need for an orgasm in my "Free-gasm" piece, I am discussing a part of me that I have been discouraged by many men from knowing.  I am explaining in simple terms the lover that I have yet to achieve because I have yet to have reached my own peak of sexual being.  Yes, I have gotten close once or twice, and that was unforgettable and spiritually expanding, but it's thinking about how much I took and didn't give that makes me feel as though I am limited when remembering those experiences.  It's taking the time to understand that in those situations, those men had to think outside of their own personal interest and think of MINE. 

My ex began to attack my sexual prowess not too far in.  He began to make me feel like a sexual inconvenience, as though, I was wrong for wanting it, and wrong for wanting to enjoy it to the fullest that I could.  Oral sex allowed me to release in way that I have never released before, I would quiver and jerk, squeak, scream, and quake at orgasm, while simultaneously exploding into a liquid orgasmic convulsing mess. 

Due to this amazing response, he stopped supplying oral sex to me.  He told me that when I came "it was messy."  This made me feel ashamed.  Ashamed to be a woman, ashamed as a lover, and ashamed that I had such a unique response to something so enjoyable.  So I stopped cumming to appease him.  I would orgasm, but nothing that I couldn't do by myself, and worse, holding in that much sexual energy really only meant that it was almost like not having sex at all. 

I have been slowly dying sexually, so much so, that now when I cum, even alone I feel embarrassed.  I only notice the negative of it.  Not that I was able to release all my muscles and sway into a spiritual alignment with the universe while meeting my body's ability to disperse and come together all at the same time, but instead I notice that it's wet and I get cold.  I have no reverence for my body's ability to lubricate and re-lubricate over and over again for hours, or my ability to continue throughout stages of sexual orgasm. 

I have a powerful and amazing  ability to connect with everything during sex, to see astros and cosmos, to taste life and being.  I have grounds that I become one with and planets that I reach while orbiting a star.  And all I can focus on is being quiet and eliminating the mess.

I need to be free of my sexual restraints and embrace my fire's sexual element.