Bull shit

I am so miserable and angry... Why???  Is there a reason?  Does this anger have purpose?  Am I just cranky, or hormonal, or just irate???

I am back at my place of childhood.  Recognizing that "You can't go home again" is a reality that I am now fully aware of.  There are many parts of being a woman that are great, growing to understand your strength, your independence, the truth behind who you are.  I am so blessed to be a woman.  Now, only to be back in a place that I have not had to be in in over 8 years.  However, it's much much worse now.  Since the beginning of this year, I have been understanding and re-establishing my adulthood, because my 5+ year relationship ending made me have to rethink where I stand as a complete person. 

I have recognized that I have many times and in many ways been unacknowledged as a person among those that speak the words "I love you" to me.  It began during my engagement, when I realized that "I love you" was used as a form of manipulation to get me to bow gracefully and acquiese at his demands.  While he enjoyed his full weekends and days off, I was working multiple jobs and going to school full time, while going 7 days a week and not having time off. 

I was expected to plan the wedding that I didn't want.  I didn't want the timeslot, or the amount of people, I didn't want the overly large wedding party or the overly large reception.  I, however, was expected to plan it all, and make sure that what he wanted was included.  Hello!?! It was ALL WHAT HE WANTED!!!  He wanted the 14 person wedding party, he wanted the large wedding with at 150 people, he wanted the minimal of 200 mouths to feed during the reception.  He wanted the "Crystal Ballroom" and the reception hall no one would ever forget.  I loved it and if it was what he wanted, I would make sure he got it, but what did I want?

I wanted a dainty hippie wedding, at night, under the stars and moon.  With candle light ushering us out into our reception hall. I wanted just our close loved ones standing around and wishing us well wishes of love and support in a "love circle" and then us reading words of love and reverence to eachother as we held hands in front of the water and gazed into eachother's eyes under the night stars.  I wanted to go to a reception hall that then would have the "pomp and circumstance" with his alcoholic dysfunctional relatives drinking and carrying on as the alcohol was distributed and I got to run around and take pictures with people "so happy to be there"  but.... when he began to use my devotion against me, I left his ass!  That shit is unacceptable.

There is no reason why a person's hair should fall out after being braided for less than a month. 

When 2010 ended I vowed to myself the next serious relationship will be authentic and it will not be abusive.

I decided to change, to be a person that would not let that happen to me ever again.  To not EVER allow my children (if I ever have them) to know the cycle of abuse.  They will have a HEALTHY BEAUTIFUL upbringing that will nourish, acknowledge, support, and encourage them.

I am angry because I have decided to do this for my children since I was 10.  My children would not know a man like my dad, because he died and I am NOT resurrecting that ghost.  Whatever issues of my mother that I have carried with me need to DIE, because those are not worth years of trauma, pain, or constant self doubt.  It all needs to go.

So why in the Hell am I back in this place of old memories and dysfunctional male/female romantic relationships? 

I can clearly see that crazy upon crazy does not balance crazy when it attracts crazy! In fact, crazy only creates crazy and then crazy is an environment of unstable craziness!!! I am so fucking sick and fucking tired of fucking CRAZY!!!  Maurices crazy ass had the nerve to call me crazy and then continue talking to me, like I wanted to have a conversation.  "Bitch, that's why I blocked you!" Crazy don't live here no mo! So I'mma need these crazy muah fuckas to find some new shit to do, because I don't get like that, and as far as my crazy ass kin.... She gon know.  I can't do this no moe!!!  This is some bullshit that churns my stomach and I will not be vomiting, stressed, depressed, and miserable because she wants to keep her crazy! Her and her crazy can hold each other at night when I am not here, but while I am here, I will be acknowledged and it will be understood, that crazy is a mutha fuckin minimum!!!!

Ole bullshit ass bull SHIT!!