He messaged me. There was nothing that I wanted to talk about said, so I steered the conversation. He continued to contact me, but not give me what I want. So gave him an honest assessment, in writing: You are talker and you are repetitive so you talk a lot of shit, you probably talk circles around most. You have an interest in politics so you probably lie convincingly, and you are not looking for anything serious, so you are just strolling like an alley cat or a " rolling stone".
I realized that I was not getting what I wanted and instead of being the gentle ego stroking soul, I was honest and upfront. His reaction made me feel bad, but that was because I was putting more into it than what was there. Yes, I hurt his ego, and yes, I was brutal in my honesty, but THAT is what he gave me to work with. That was him, not me. I need to stop taking on the feelings of others, and just take what I say as how I mean it. I have been acquiescing for the comfort of men my whole life. I never liked the man that donated the sperm for my birth, and yes he was there for 15 years of my life, but he was beating my mother, and beating me and my siblings. His abuse was mental, emotional, and verbal. As a baby, I never like him, and as a little girl, I didn't like him, either. When I became old enough to begin to value our relationship I learned quickly to reconsider my feelings about things and then, his feelings became more important than mine, which became males were more important than me.
I have been living this form of life for many years, and I am now tired of the what it means for me. I am now at the point that I have a right to live. I have a right to enjoy things... like sex, and dating, and conversation without feeling like I need to compensate for something. For what??? As a woman of distinction it is absolutely my right to walk away from a date, being done with a man, because 9 times out of 10, I taught him something. Or I offered a new perspective for him to see life differently. Thus, it was a valuable exchange.
However, this entire ordeal is not only on the man I call "sperm donor" this is also on the woman I call "maternal body". If she explained to me that my value was simply in my existence, and that I would not have submit so easily to the underhandedness of any man, I would not have put such value in pond scum (men and women). I would not be eliminating "friends" after years of abuse right now. If this woman would have acknowledged her bias toward her son over both of her daughters then I would have been able to counter balance my intrinsic need for love with my extrinsic lack of value.
However, this was not done, so now I am spending my time of self discovery also discovering who has value in my life and who needs to leave. I am also taking inventory of "blood" and seeing who is on the chopping block because I need to cleanse. My spirit has been polluted with the darkness of takers for too long.
To rid my life of these individuals I have completed steps one and two:
1) I have acknowledged and certified who they are. These are the people that think of themselves and say they are thinking of you. These are the people that say they are "happy for you", or may not say it, but through certain comments let it be known that they are unhappy with self and you remind them of that. These are the people who are first to make sure that are you being picked up, so they know for sure that you are/were down.
2) I begun weening them out and replacing them with healthier and more stable individuals. I have found people that can empathize with me, and understand that even when they matter, I matter. I have found people that will give what they have to make sure that I am okay. I have found love in a form of selflessness.
The next steps is to complete my process in life and while I'm at it move away from the negative, angry, and unhealthy energy. It can not do anything but slow me down.
3) Progress... keep moving forward and upward. Not allowing weight to pull or slow me down.
Sometimes you just have to realize... when and how to get away from those that don't mean any good.
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